Maple Tree Monologues

Vacancy Main Street

2012-01-09T17:39:00.003-05:00

today's AP headline from the Concord Monitor

Yesterday's post below:

The corner of main street in Concord NH had one campaigner on one of four corners today. RON PAUL....
Why are the candidates and CSPAN, CNN, MSNBC,WMUR, and the supporters for Mitt Romney, Santorum and Huntsman expected to be in Nashua? They are mistakenly assuming that the ' Silicon Valley' of southern NH has undecided voters on their main streets. These cities/towns residents work in Massachusetts and pay a refundable income tax there. They left NH on Interstate 93 or Rt 3 by 6:30 this morning. They put their seat belts on as they drove over the border to a paying job. They are not frequenting diners and bakeries on a Monday morning.
The streets looked apocolyptic at 11:30 this morning void of a single Obama sign.....
The NH House of Legislature has mandated a session tomorrow when numerous Legislators are due at the polls.

This according to a current state Legislator whotold me that this has never happened in the history of this state on the day of the presidential primary.

And the Democrats must be held up somewhere in El Nino with all of the snow.
They are NOT occupying Main Street in Concord NH.

Jobs baby jobs ? adp/tar.gov?

2012-01-05T18:30:00.000-05:00

I chuckle sometimes when I hear that a report stating that there were 300,000 less initial or new unemployment claims filed last week will preface a better headline in the near future based on statistical data gathered by adp.
First of all, at least in NH, days prior to to the first presidential primary, unemployment claims FILED #'s are NOT an accurate indication of job growth.
As of September 1 2011 New Hampshire Unemployment Department of Employment Security ment required all claims ot be filed online. A paper mill closes in a mill town and the entire unemployment office is closed. I have to meet a part time unemployment counselor at another local milltown's library where she is neither online nor provided an intranet password. Imagine a man or woman who worked in a factory since 1978 being told to file a claim online. Then enter a record of a thorough job search if you hope to receive any benefit payments. Not only do most people in these circumstances not have pc's OR Macinstosh ipads, they cannot afford a cell phone. If you are past the age of child bearing you also do not qualify or fall into the comcast lunch federal subsidy program flyers at your local unemployment office with big red number ten's. Ten dollars a month for internet access. Now imagine a person who does not go online. YEs, they do exist, and in higher proportions the more north you go, in towns where there is intensive campaigning today viewable on national television. They wait in line to reset a password ro log on to file said claim. Have you ever tried to fill out fields that take far too long or disappear when you do click next? A palstic red flag is then moved up in their cubicle. And the person that helped you earlier was just laid off from their very own part time position at unemployment. The number of claims being reported as new dropped because this is one example of a myriad of ways that filing a new claim is often delayed. Factor in two Federal holidays. Are we really going to boast this headline when the adp numbers are often generated by direct links on multiple companies 'careers' pages? All of the statistical data is 'optional' yet you will not successfully submit any application without completing the Gender, Ethnicity and Veteran's Status ending with disability. You MUST enter a full social security number, and the dates you completed any education, even if you obtained a GED in 1975 and worked in a factory since. Way to get around the age discrimination, finally, agree to a credit report, click submit, and the https//: now says ADP/GOV!!!!
Here you 'may' disclose how long you have been unemployed, if you or any member of your household is on TANF or receiving food stamps or heating assistance and for how long....
This is all before a human being reads a resume that you DO NOT know how to create.
ANd they are then told about all of the HELP at their local office..... Books and lists of resumes and cover letters... I peeked in the front covers.... ALL over 10 YEARS old. This is what we have here for resources in the very state which casts the FIRST BALLOTS.

LIST: get a JOB love, your dog

2011-12-26T17:46:00.008-05:00

She says she needs some alone time...........

Christmas Eve I left my dog at home for the first time in a YEAR... and, I took a two hour bath...... elsewhere obviously as I have no shower still..
I was overly tired from worrying about my friend in Lenox Hospital, after this bath. I was in no rush to get home. I cannot be hostage to my phone anylonger. It was worse when I had a cell phone too....Now I have no peace at home..
I needed a six hour reprieve from this what I hope is my dear friend's final bottom....She was removed twice from her child's school, now from her son entirely leaving her elderly mother to be the primary caregiver. I have been on 911 phone duty for the last five years and am sick of it. My friend has beeng one for so long, her mother and I developed a bond years ago in the city though I met them both in Western MA, we always went to Straight 12 at 12th St Sat nights and to the Strand afterwards, when she was less frail. She is now responsible for getting her 7 year old grandson to his school on the upper west side from low on Second Avenue ALONE as of the day before Christmas Eve. And I have empathized and tried to help for 10 years..... Her daughter and I were 'best' friends after my relapse when SHE had 10 years and I had nips and stench.... Her mom has been keeping the CPS in NYC at bay for far too long....She lied to her brothers and confided the truth only in me for the last 5 years about her daughter's condition thinking this would help her Grandson.... COME ON!!! She needs to be in meetings. OR if in the turmoil and anger with the disease get to alanon to start. I cannot listen to the darkness anymore, she is sounding suicidal herself yet it is up to her daughter not HER worrying or trotting balance bars and diet soda to yet another 'stabilization center' at Lenox Hopsital detox. She has understandably questioned the existence of a higher power but has used me as a confidant while enabling her daughter and not being honest with the folks at this supposedly wonderful in the eighties Smithers program her daughter has been at. Once the portable urine adn the flask is exposed, a cab driver calls the NYPD b/c she is unresponsive to her 7 year old son, and I am desensitized to this now, it has just been a heartwrenching never ending relapse and I AM praying and meditating for understanding and acceptance that she may not get better... I am struggling with this kind of non parent survival guilt. My chronic inebriation seems so distant a memory sometimes and yet it is never forgoteen, the truth of the real kind of disgusting drunk that I am if I ingest it.... And to today I still feel this kind of 'I am a sneak' feeling about cops...... I mean driving by one with 15 YEARS of sobreity my palms still sweat a little ....
Christmas eve I got home at near midnight, and there is a business card on my door?
The Boscawen cops.... says " Your door was wide open- dog was out. Please call" I was horrified not only is my goodamned door still broken but my dog looks neglected, and it is now NINE DEGREES INSIDE my apartment.... I am NOT exaggerating or kidding... It is now back to 55 in here for the love of GOD....Ginger my 11 year old German Shepherd dog,played it to the nines;-) We have not been physically separated since I lost my job. She is so sick of me she is like licking her paw like a dog would look at their wrist watch
" PLEASE get a gd j o b so I need ALONE TIME!"

Clearly she was reaching OUT leaving this door open, knowing she is NOT supposed to open the door, on the coldest night of the year while we have not actual heating system... Sympathy seeking dog with a recovering mother playing up the cops.... FINE go work for them bitch...voeu don't hav to live here if it's sooooo bad that you were left at home for 6 hours once in the past YEAH... that's riiiieeeght

2011-12-20T00:25:00.002-05:00

Political recap of The Insider??

2011-12-14T18:22:00.002-05:00

CSPAN just scared the $%it out of me... sudden end of Mozart and re-introduction of 'General Speeches' at the frequency of the excessively loud commercials which we will hear at the same decibels until approx Dec 2012 ty FCC for the prompt implementation...
Al Franken is lecturing me about smoking and climate change sounding like Stuart Smalley...

This is not available in stores..........

2011-12-13T16:35:00.000-05:00

"To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness."

-Bertrand Russell

THINGS are more evidently missing this time of year......

What I cannot buy for every seven year old in my life is not important when I can BE present for them without substituting PRESENTS for PRESENCE.

If I have restored my HP balance with meditation and prayer then I believe this. When I am off the 'beam' I feel like an enormous let down.

Meetings meetings meetings and surrendering my will is the deal for me lately.

I am powerless over active addiction but I am not willing to not star in the taking my will back show today.

I moved my heater into Dad's kitchen because I know he is sleeping off his lunch. I think that I would be happy if my shower worked but then the water pump is on and off again so it is an oh well not a what if... ( for Sharbari ;-0)

Gratitude meeting

2011-12-02T22:00:00.001-05:00

Tonight I am UNgrateful because I make my list but I am going to bed hungry. This after watching my bf chair the meeting and the topic of gratitude makes me ill. I am grateful for sooooooo many people in my life in and out of AA and yet I get to start my claim over because the 'benfit' year ended. Did I mention thye screwed this up 4 times already and my disabled father depends on this money for his insulin and heart medications to boot? I am HUNGRY ANGRY LONELY AND TIRED yet the guy sports a new PLOW on his new truck... I can accept all of this but not when I spent last night cleaning up an enormous amount of blood and more and most importantly loving and caring for his sick daughter and the kids that are my heart. After taking time away I jumped right in like the strong Becky just thrives in turmoil chaos and active alcoholism when kids are around I just leap into my old behaviors of care taking and fixing and trying so hard to protect them from seeing the truth and feeling anxiety at school all day. But it was too late the 3 year old girl snuck in behind me and the boy knew at least this time it was not self inflicted. His Mommy had a natural problem and came home alive in a cute hospital gown with too many bracelets. I hate that I love them all so much because I am so tired from dealing with my dying dog and my Dad's blood sugar and getting over my resentments I drop off in the glass recycling bin ....I know I did not cause any of it, and that I can't cure it. my sister is on an up now which creates a double decker trolley ride for me this week. I know my higher power has something in store for me that includes a job or at least friendships that are reciprocal. IN fact I mustered up all of the recovery in me yesterday to go see my friend despite the drama trauma because I needed her to help me wind the bobbin . I needed her to laugh with and to reminisce with, and to admire. She literally sings in the choir, loved a jazz musician I know, and was married to Hungarian carpenter prior) and has maintained a family and marraige full of chaos withOUT a 12 step program. She never really understood my diseases and it is nice at 40 that I no longer identify as a bipolar ptsd add ocd diagnostic mess in recovery but lacking confidence. I am so relieved to be off of an ssri and after 5 years off booze and my booster NO mood stabilizers... who woulda guessed??? And tonight on tv Diane Sawyer interviewed foster kids on psychotropic drugs... soooo sad....
Back to ME...I am okay today and although emotionally sensitive and crabby when I am hungry I LIKE myself. My friend makes amazing technically challenging quilts and she truly loves doing it. I am NOT joining the club because I am NOT having any new hobbies until I make a mitten hat and sock that actually fit on a human head, and until I can actually draw. My friend Barbara sent me the most loving note this week too that made me feel soooooo WORTHY of happiness. Both women dated my Dad and both women are musical B taught the harpischord at Juliard and when she plays piano you are humbled. SO I guess tonight I am grateful for the mother love I really do have in my life despite not having a mother's love, finding it, and losing it to cnacer and scitzophrenia... Stuart Smalley/Rebecca H tried to save her family and lost. ANd tries today to set an example and the disease still takes our sisters, daughters, and their children's innocence RIGHT when I refound mine.

ॐ ♥

2011-11-25T21:13:00.001-05:00

ॐ ♥

I was JUST kicking M Y A S S for yelling when I EVEN asked in my chat this afternoon with my higher power for a reprieve and did the whole G please save me from my anger and was all aGLOW until I heard his VOICE on the other of the phone and the attempt to do his usual 'turn around' ( manipulate me into being the biotch when he did not show up) and I LOST IT.
FULL ON.
HOLLERING AND the resentments that were still smoldering when I thought I had let it gooooooooooooo.
No big deal he got called to speak last minute and called me from a few towns away on break at oh 8:47 pm on Tgiving what pissed me OFF was the confirmation of his arrival AFTERwards which was UNnecessary when he went to his home and retired. Not the issue it is the people pleasing phone call he made when I was a) content and full and b) figured I would NOT see him anyway already! I was NOT mad as this man that I love got me a HEAT source and if it was not for him I would not have been WARM AND full anyway! I would have been full and in my electric blanket per usual....But nooooo I lost it.

I DID call and ( promptly?) within 2 hours apologized for yelling and for the things that I said....

But why didn't he just say soory when I called him back this afternoon anyway??? WHY did I over react? Because I am self centered and afraid today. And I despite these qualities deserve an adult partner who can say what they mean and mean what they say. Period.

What am I thankful for?

2011-11-24T20:35:00.000-05:00

Alternating current.

Although power was restored here my Dad and I cooked on the wood cook stove anyway. ( A&B Lumber for wood brick fuel tyvm) I spent about a week with steel wool and stove polish this summer motivated by this tradition and sentiment. I, Dad and the bird made it to the table which makes for a peaceful holiday. Richardson's Farm on Water St's maple sugar vanilla ice cream, insulin for Dad after this with their mincemeat pie. Doggie hospice was averted, Chelsea perked back up at nearly 17 years of age in time for scraps too. I am grateful for a heat source at last in my apt .... Eden pure WARMTH!!
A reprieve from computer generated 'phone' calls for 18 more hours... My friends that accept my limitations with circumstantial challenges, terms and conditions free love, a day of hope for all of my friends with families that, if only for today no one fights or pukes in the minivan, leaves a sibling ( or S.O) in another state, gets a mirgraine, and/or a restraining order.
I am thankful for DVR and the episode of Bored to Death that shows Ray having a breakthrough after his infantalising friend gives him a copy of.... BACK PAIN the mind body connection !!!! I laughed so hard. :-) ;-) I thank my friend for remembering me and giving me their extra Pro Airat the dog walk.

If Tesla could see the burden of trees after a New England storm and Asplundi working with utility trucks he would roll in his grave right?

Meanwhile I can broadcast my entire existence via a wireless modem for approx. six hours during a power outage.

Now for employment...

Stay where it's WARM

2011-11-13T14:01:00.011-05:00

What a FUN morning! Jill Tim Olivia Jacob Rain and Ginger of course. Much more fun than arguing with a disrespectful man. Most fun prior to today was cooking chicken tikki masala (ish) on the wood cook stove and making chili to help B and his kids move. Also, am knitting on DOUBLE pointed needles with scraps of Seacoast Handpainted yarn. SO far one side of the triangle is coming out in garter stich when it is supposed to be stockinette. I cannot determine where I got tangled up. But as with the rest of my life more will be revealed. Without a camera it is really challeneging to show the progress made in the apartment. But I am online and attempting to use the web cam picture function, this too is inverted... Went to Webster Place and came home with a Rain and that did further strengthen my resolve to cease engaging in any behavior past or present that brought pain into my heart..

White paint

2011-09-26T19:46:00.000-04:00

The soot is off of the walls at long last. The ceiling hole is fixed and the water damage is at bay along with the mold. I scraped cedar because some dipshit painted it. Halfway thorugh I relaized I had to pray to the yard sale gods for a titanium scraper. I found 2! The front is almost complete. I have refurbished tow peices of real wood furniture. Curbside/tresure house to replace a more bulky phone table. Being that I no longer HAVE a phone I need a bedside peice for my ice cream and ashtray... I mean my book... I LOVE Benjamin Moore green primer. I HATE being 5 foot 2. Irepainted my Dad's kitchen with an oops AURA called Puppy Paws, it LOOKED near white and is near BEIGE> Oh well he does not care or even notice. The wood cook stove also was nearly finished and I found another half used tube of Rutland Stove Polish at the flea market a m,ill town flea type of store. I removed a thick and not veryu wide board from the Dad side and sanded it. SO far stell wool, the finest, and kwik Stripper SUCK. The 5F5 is better but I had hoped it would be saved for the little toddler desk I also found free. So far THAT is proving to be a bitch. Like a first grader stabbed their penciol in the wood every day for 40 years. I tried gooing it up with MinWax Cherry stain, Danish oil, etc but I am going to have to wait until I have more than 1.95 in my account and get some wax. Filler. Whatever it is... The simple task of building a second shelf has proven to be merciless. I SUCK at this but I DO have a vision. If I was NOT uinemployed and my phone was on I might bew able to sahre a pic but alas, just picture it.. I have a very small 'window' of opportunity where I see a cushion seat a window and built ins around. this is for the darkest area of my tiny apt... I found a perfect window at a garage sale and hopefully it is a0 still there and b) still 10o bucks. Now for the shower, heating system, and stove problem. I have pruned Juniper bushes, merciless bittersweet and slicing pricker bushes growing every which way to the point where my hands are BOTH blistered and I am sweating profusiously cursing ALL of the bugs that stick to me despite many layers and CHIGG away and 100 % DEET oil. I am a toxic mess... and now filing for the extension to the unemployment.. I have four bald tires, one of which deflates nightly. My computer haqs a virus and my "man" upon being confronted on his assholeness said, at a MEETING if he was not sober he would put a BULLET in my HEAD and bury me out back. HMM of the UU church I grew up in??? I left. My brother in law who is no longer even married to my sister helped me fix the barn door. He also gutted out the rotting toilet and floor for my father last winter. He is coming back soon to maybe help me address the burst copper pipes in the cement foundation... As well ( crossing my fingers) as some 4 NEW roof leaks that threatened my Cherry Danish oil stained night stand and my in progress shelves. So.. That is me, up a tree and full of inspiration and lyme disease. Also I sanded down the carpenter's cherry cabinets made oh 30 years ago and layered danish oil on them and quelle difference! It kind of smells though... But looks MUCH better, Again my Dad's kitchen. I still have no propane system or stove or shower but whatever. I am considering pulling a teenage move and calling the phone company and ordering a phone adn inet for my apt. Since his name is like a woman's. No I am jsut joking... But this library is closing and I msut get home to my last supper. For REAL no more food... Paid bills and now a week or more delay for the extension. Dad came over and helkped himself to bread though tonight. And I do'nt ever ever mind I just mwish one person would say or come over and say WOW good JOB this place looks habitable again. Thank you daughter for giving a shit .... Actually bro in law did and my nbeighbor did who inflates my tire adn he GREW up in the place so THAT meant everything to me. Picture approx 3 acres of pruning piles and not ONE man in my life can drag a twig to a brush pile. NOt the one that USED to be my 'partner' not the one that gets two stories of barn storage free till eternity, not anyone? Seriously! I re-evaluated the maid and nanny services I provided for ALL of my friends and fellow 12 steppers over the last say 7 years and am truly amazed that before I was halfway through not one person gave a crap if I had food or gas or turned 15 yrs and 40... I am devoted to enriching my spiritual life but this is not at the beck and call of my codependcy any more. And NO one likes it. So tough shit. I am home alone but not ever alone. I am writing LETTERS and searching for addresses as my cell phone stored all of the post facebook friends contact details... I think about the dearest of women friends I have and thank God for them but I wish they KNEW I cared adn did not think I didn't when I am unable to CALL.

Flash flooding at campground

2011-08-22T11:47:00.015-04:00

The most powerful strom dumped at least 4 inches of rain last night and the water level rose to a near flooding point. aFTER THE ( 5 IN TOTAL AS MORE COMPANY ARRIVED AT THE NEIGHBORING SITE)left yesterday , just as I was exhaling to start my vacation 5 days later.... the rain came. There wer not any trees down in the campground but after once being in amonsoon in Tucson in the Santa Catalina's in August I was so frightened I hardly slept. The same night when I saw Koko Taylor perform....
Now that was back in the early 90's and I am barely 40!
There was a 4 inch deep flood running last under the campsite and we had weighed down our tent with granite and climbed into Josh's pop up which we made a ramp up for. It sounded like the crest of the river would take us if we fell asleep. I am still freaked out. NOONE was anywhere near us ... everyone else left. Well not these two stone masons or me nor my handicapped dog. In fact Ginger took off to hide way up at the entrance in their rec room under the broken old Playboy pin ball machine with a young looking Hugh Heffner that looks like something from a Pawn Stars episode. I WISH I had a camera...
I am so thankful that Josh was here after all of the complaining I had done about hosting him, his kid, his friend, an dhis friend's 3 add boys and then our own.Watching a slight 3 year pld boy scurry up enormous granite rocks with NO concern for pitch or height darting back and forth to a campfire and running in the dark with flaming fire pokers ( times 5 boys) is harrowing AND fun. People are here on site though still and tents are upside down drying out once you walk towards the restrooms and middel of the grounds. The RV's or 5th wheels are unchanged and parked in the same direction as yesterday. I need coffee. I am hoping my stuff is dry now so I can write in my journal, knit like a granny and FINALLY get my serenity ON.

THe ONE hour that was spent doing how this little trip was sold to me as however was AMAZING. HAving to leave to do the rest of this was not....

WE managed to show up for His friend to support his newest band and forthcoming cd release Mr. Nick and the Dirty Tricks. They opened the White Mountain Boogie N Blues Festival 2011 and the Popa Chuby came on and I grabbed Dan's Camera and got about five pictures in before he joy killed THAT and sputtered about me breaking it.

ALL of Nick's pictures ARE CRAP, blurred and just shit. But I am NOT saying a word because I don't know ANYTHING. A common statement in our relationship...

Camp Trudge

2011-08-19T14:02:00.002-04:00

am living at a Campground for the week. It saved Dana money in travel for his work. They have Wi-Fi but it took me two days to find an outlet near the signal. Dana is working up here so I get to focus on my job search at last. I intended on working on it all day yesterday. His worker was pc'd and late and came to the site to tell me the bs and ask me to babysit for him so he could work..... I could NOT say NO although the sole reason for me sleeping in a tent was to utilize the wifi and take a break from caretaking and escape all of the BS, I agreed. I then waited for 5 hours and they never returned. Dana finished the day's chimney work in 96 degree weather and also was told 'I'll be back". Today we did not expect to hear or see this guy back this week or ever. WE know this is about the hangover and being in jail till 5 am not about the kid. If it was he would have not left him with his mum to go on a bender and brawl spree. I lost a day and I was not happy as I did not venture away from the TENT either not wanting to miss the drop off. I adjusted myself without serenity yesterday and planned to dedicate TODAY to my responsibilities without interruption. Forget about enjoying it up her. Just as I was getting the worker arrives. This is about 30 minutes after Dana left for their job site. This, also with announcements of co- camping and would I mind taking the boy today..... I clearly stated that I had critical work to do today but that I would and that only because Dana is working half a day as we were supposed to half 2 hours in this week where we were alone, prior to his gkids coming too. I am tired of day-caring. I am tired of not seeing my OWN nephew and niece and them not being included in Dana's 'family' SICK SICK SICK as it IS and has been, all this starting off at 6:30 am..And me crying, REAL emotional PAIN missing MY family in a mildewed smelly tent. ( Now have P E R I O D to boot. - ICK) feeling unvalued and my individual separate needs not being remotely considered and this being dressed up as a work week not a family for Dana week. . I am not a side show kind a girl nor a nanny anymore. I have had it with his daughter's disease and her f-ing up his worker's head ( less the third time)and me agreeing to this week in a TENT b/c I have no cell phone or inet. Instead I am presented as day care? WHERE is MY nephew in all this?? How easily could HE be here too? I will tell you. He is being cared for during summer vaca by a family friend in the same TOWN I live in yet my car was not fixed not my computer until NOW JUST in time to be here for DANA's life and to rescue HIS family. FUCKING selfish. The FOOLISH man forks over rent money for his adult daughter he stopped enabling years ago who cried no child support after having another one when she was UNstable. SLit wrists AGAIN 2 weeks ago MAY follow up in THERAPY but for sure is NOT a drunk! Her electric was off but she buys 500 $ purses.... and truly WANT her to havce VERY THING she needs to feel happy. THINGS money what have you... I cannot believe any one gets away with telling a court they are UNemployed when 2 hours prior and 2 hours after a hearing they ARE working for tghe SAME landscaper without an actual interruption. She DESERVES to have MOENY for their duaghter. What is with men who say well I bought her an aoutfit last weekend and thing that qualifies as support? I thought these were non negotiable balck and white areas. NOt grey areas where people's jealousy can still wreak havoc in the life of the x? Perhaps because he has been requesting 50 50 custody since long before she attempted to run him over, accidentally. And they also have endless trails of domestic orders between them and STILL not SUPPORT order in STONE? It also seems these domestic violence cases weigh little in support orders. I DO understand why, but it is NOTHING but FRAUD for this one. The grandparents are fotting the bills, providing the roofs, food and clothing on farmer's wages and the 'adult' parents are getting wasted and fighting all night. P U K E
My Dad was too far gone in his own disease to ever take either grnachild over night nevermind twice a week and weekends. How Ungrateful she can be, and how it breaks his heart when she says I HATE YOU to him for 6 months straight. Once the kids are born you can say anything and do anything to your parent or you take the kids away? That is my only real resentment, not seeing the grandson for a MONTH after being confronted with some real facts about herslef and her imminent need for cousneling after the last suicide attempt. Turns out this was not 'real' ( I disagree) it was escape to the psych ward after being busted cheating and lying by men. It is so sad. he has never ONCE paid a sitter in her LIFE! And I, sober, through NO choice of my own, cannot afford a phone and never ONCE did he offer to contribute one penny so I could actually call or receive communications for a JOB. The only reason my car is inspected is b/c my father and I are SHARING IT. I do my father's LAUNDRY and clean his home. I guess I enable HIM to be OLD and live in SOME peace after we tortued him with our mental illness and chaos for YEARS. There is my healing, my amends in action one day at a time, learning to live in a cooperative spirit there and to my great shock, at 12 years of recovery for me, the booze and the p o t is no longer in his house. After , ONLY ( 'real alcoholic' the health scare and 14 day stay on the cardiac unit) did this let up. I LOVe my Dad I cannot imaging throwing kitty litter, dirty in his face no matter how drunk I was. And then OOPS BOTH parents forgetting the car seat at the day care center every single time. he drives 2 hours down for that.... She chose to purchase a brand new suv in rental assisted living... I hate that I never know when we will see both kids and her family is now split up and my heart feels so fucking fragmented between my blood and lack of them presently HEE, and his... I HATE kids being shuffled around like burdensome blockages to the next drunken text war or bar fight or new man.
I hate my life I hate that I thought it more responsible NOT to have my own kids when I could not provide for them and to me child support is NOT a guarantee no matter how dead the beat is on the sperm donor. NOTHING IS MINE right now and I need MY little George and Alexandra too... My role as an aunt I took more seriously than these fuck ups do parenting. Who does not arrange child care prior to the work week EVER?I need to stop complaining and be grateful from sobriety as I am NOT subjecting blameless kids to my insanity I think that lack of money is such a SHAMEFUL like a landfill of hurt when people lose it after holding it responsible for their self esteem and hide behind it to continue using with justification. I am GOING to pursue every opportunity I can while maintaining my dignity and sobriety to get earning the money that I need MYSELF, when I WILL call my OWN shots again.. day ONE period in a CAMPGROUND and I already HATE bugs, who when DEAD appear to be after me still. My perfect attitude presenting for coffee and this boy, sitting on the picnic bench at 6 :30 a is a stranger to me but turned out to be a really a good kid, we went exploring and found a den. He said it was a bear den. I said it was a tree root. Last night Dana and I found a meeting in Campton last pm that was a breath of fresh air. I am confused why I cannot find a better man to love, why there is not a better sober man around, yet he would let me rot in a street before he ever paid a bill of mine after 7 years??? He LIKES that I cannot fix the plumbing where I live, that my disabled Dad depends on my 'slender' income to LIVE, which makes me helpless to improve my environment, or get a heating system or cook for myself for that matter. Now OFF LEASH AT LAST I am confined to a cement rec room for vacation for internet access... Because 'DANA' does not need it or value it he does not care that I am forced to chain myself to the fucking computer he broke 4 months ago and failed to FIX , promptly enough so that my job searches would b sufficient for unemployment benefits. Such a coincidence he did not offer up even 50 bucks to help me purchase the windshield replacement my car needed after I did get the computer back so I COULD get to the library... This is NOT a helpful guy this is a selfish man. Here I sit sued as a nanny NO call never mind ONCALL, IN BETWEEN GKID STINTS WE ARE GOING TO THE BLUES FEST which I am really excited about. This will be for 2 hours thoguh, of a WEEK. The ratio is WAY off. His friend is opening the festival and HAS FREE TICKET AT THE DOOR FOR HIM , NATURALLY. together and be KIDS... happy joyous and free from the digital obligations and parental stressors they all hear far too much about,. I am still grateful for all of it sick and all, and do not fret I won't DRINK ovewr not having a phone to call for a job nevermind MY SPONSOR. At least they DO have showers here that do not take quarters. The brook is shallow but crisp and clear like the Kangkamangus.
I wanted to reply to Dave but can not log in to wrd press right now

There is NO other joy I experience that is more restorative then when I am either in nature with my dog, or when I might have been useful/available ,and REALLY, truly, present for others. When I am able to be in a day that unfolds not according to my vision, but still be giving, in a loving way, with accountability for myself . I have always been tuned in to the under dog, sensitive to their plight. Words, actions, I or another person subject myself or inflict onto others that are unacceptable, hateful, or racist are spirit killers. I am struggling with feelings of anger and shame lately. I cannot OM my way OUT of frustration when I need to take action or responsibility and there are limiting factors beyond my control impeding my progress. I just fly off into near rage ugly mean yelling fits.

How do you like my blog NOW?

2011-08-09T19:26:00.000-04:00

Why would I indulge you when to do so leaves me with questions that I cannot afford today? Starting with have you NO conscience and ending with why is it that you are the only person that IS available when I need a ride? Why is it that I am happy to NOT re-enact that abandonment turmoil with you and after listening to your enlightened perception of happiness and recovery that you really have NOT grown a bit?

What is the lesson this time? ( Raising my hand... pick me I know I know!)
Rebecca??

It is.....
YOU don't GET a piece of ME!
EVER, if I am helpless financially and need a ride because I cannot afford a new windshield to get to a library to look for a job to get a check to get my phone back on and to get groceries and smokes, OR if I am living off the interest of a large sum of money wiseley invested. I am NOT here to be any man's viagra, midlifecrisis prozac, and NO you CAN NOT look at that nude picture of my sister I tried to skip and jerk off to it later.

You remain the con artist of love and I have been UNWAVERING in how I present myself to you since our relationship ended ( you foudn out what it woudl COST to pay the piper in mediation and get out I mean without a GOODBYE?) And you say ' I was in pain TOO?" REALLY???? Because I see you with an intact marraige and your custom built home with your thriving business, and me in a troubled relationship with a man who does not HIDE his flaws, just now past any reasonable age to have children, unmarried, jobless, isolated in a collapsed mold encrusted apartment with broken pipes and a rotted entryway door sans inet and phone trying to REPAIR THESE issues that are a result of the amend that YOU SWORE you would make one day in a bedroom confession long ago...YES I actually remember that one. THe leak that rotted my ceiling, flooded the ceiling, doorways, insulation and broke the heating system leaving me without a shower or stove all these years later long after the affair was over... We can pick on his obvious flaws but you know what? He would have recalled that LEAK if he left it there intentionally from his four star accomodations liek yourself and DONE SOMETHING about it. HE would have said hey WIFE? THis is business that apt I built 10 years ago wqith the harlot was destroyed by an error I made when active and failed to repair when I had 4 years to do so but I was too busy screwing to get to it... I am going to be HONEST and go fix it and the predating whore will not be home. THat is what HE would DO. BUT, instead you find opportunity to provide a ride to the library and tell me that WITHOUT A HUG AND KISS YOU CANNOT HAVE A FRIENDSHIP? REALLY FATHER TIME? You thought I would a) be into it? b) USE YOU BACK?? or c) bE SO despeRATE that I would forget the wreckage, pain and chaos that i liked it enough to sneak TODAY?? 2011??? REALLY? I guess you can drive home victimized and I will call DANA the angry immature jealous insecure little man that does not make me happy most of the time ..WHY? Because he MIGHT give me a ride home after the men's meeting where YOU SHOULD BE..
You know I stay with him? You have a man workign his program, a loving DAD and Grampa that does not use those roles as justification to LIE AND CHEAT! He is NO HERO but after 8 years I know this much of him...I also know that he is not above the passive bullying tactics which you pulled today. In fact, the last evening I saw him I was subjected to similar treatment. We watched Ice Road Truckers, for two hours and he fell asleep. Then he awoke to Dr DREW and packed his truck with his lunch and masonry tools for the job an hour away and drove 30 minutes back to his house in a HUFF because he had not been gratified YET EITHER. He said, "DON"T CALL ME FOR A RIDE this week either" THankfully, I cannot afford to call him and fuck him UP!!!
That's my MAN! My boyfriend of 8 years, with 17 years of sobreity...

is there an UNADDICTED match service .com? NO 12 steppers.com? Oh then I would not be attarctive either... SO I will continue to try to work on getting my phone and car together and NOT allow any of you to make me feel 'less than' or superior in your erected arrogance behind your crisply built FORD and TOYOTA trucks and or colonials. I will WALK to my appt tomorrow if I have to.

' You KNOW I WILL! ''
WHY?

BECAUSE: I have had ENOUGH conditional love and friendship for a lifetime...

RUDE Little FUCKERS!! All of ya!
Except for George. My bro in law. And my Dad. Otherwise? Sleep with one eye open. My adice for the day: Should you have a male friend that can converse with you for more than say fifteen minutes without sexualizing you KEEP HIM! And take him shoe shopping.
Also, you may believe him when he compliments you.

In recovery we say that the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing
(people, places or thing, ie behaviors)and expecting different results?

WE can , I can, remain stuck with only my decisions and soberly made choices to blame. So the other slogan "This too shall pass" I believe and trust that when I am spiritually fit, and when I am not?

I will continue on MY path.
On MY TERMS. ON MY conditions. On my UNPAID policies..
I will DO the footwork and let go of the results.
And I WILL:
(thank you therapist # 1... 1994 Northampton MA)
burn those ' old negative tapes' that tell me I am SUCH a LOSER right now, and get an ipod that chants OM when my dog can't in anymore.

"Mo ghradh thu, a rud agat"

2011-08-05T11:53:00.002-04:00

"Trudging the road to happy destiny" ?

What an uninspired typically paradoxical, religous undertoning verbal-benzo for the addicted masses..
A 'new freedon and a new happiness' is not about TRUDGING... WALKing the WALK is not about the down trodden cramming 250 tons of sewage into a backpack and hoofing it to the meeting sputtering slogans to placate our sometimes negative and challenging circumstances in life.

"We are NOT a glum lot!"

REALLY? PROXIMITY is my word of the day. This 'city' boasts the only state prison, no vacancied halfway houses, the ' top rated' state hospital proud of the de-institutionalized residents, and each are within walking distance to 90 % of the meetings. The sky is the limit no doubt!

WHen I am close to ending it, I ask my higher to remove my desire for a dink, a drink or a twinkie. TWO out of three persist due to biological constraints.

And if you have to walk, just rememember if noone told you today that they love you, it's beacuse they STILL CAN'T, and never will. Make new friends or enjoy the solitude. EVEN though people litter along the road you might be walking on, you can choose to inhale the spirit of the universe... as you breathe, inhale... exhale.... all the way to the store for smokes if you can afford them. It is not trudging if you choose to call it exercise and placebo your way to a serotonin boost. ;-)
I have NEVER liked that word 'trudge', and I never will.

I am just PISSED that Borders is closing here, and I may be walking to and from a noontime meeting.. At least I got my computer back from bitch boy so I amy resume my job search and climb out of this financial and environmental shit hole I am in.

Silk and wool scraps and luminesce watercolor background

2011-08-03T14:50:00.003-04:00

Sil and wool scraps and luminesce watercolor background, a photo by Becca6296 on Flickr.

Silk and wool scraps and luminesce watercolor background
I'm unable to drive as I need a new windshield for car inspection...
This is so much fun and on it's way to a friend in Virginia in the mail now. My computer has at last been repaired, though without the cell phone I am back to asking my father to give me a ride to the town library to log on and do my job search. As you can see I am working diligently at it. It beats looking at my moping dog who does not understand WHY I am not driving us to the river...
Thank god for this unfortuante newcomer's choice in friends and the 13th step or I may not have met this amazing woman. She is trying with complete authenticity and shook it off after being exposed. THis friend ( of mine ashamedly) announced in so many words at a local treatment center that he had ' fallen from grace' . He shared from the podium this after having her in tow from GO, day 1 from her hospital release, and basically he got texted from his girlfriend and decided to go back and dump HER in the name of practicing the priniciples in all our affirs... CAn you hear me puking all over the keys? I refuse to discuss it anymore, it is the past and a tough lesson for under 60 days sober but it IS one more woman in the halls that can say she is NO VICTIM. I warned her that he did love somoene else despite their apparent break up. HOWEVER, we, myself included, WILL do what ever the hell we want to anyway, lip service the steps while we act out in our defects or active addictions, until we love oursleves enough to GET HONEST, grow or GO, and heal and deal. I could not have met a more sincere, considerate, willing, and kind woman regarding their recovery. than all of my long term sobreity "FAMILY" ... It has been illuminating to see the absence of reciprocity in my chosen friendships after the last 5 years... I ALWAYS ALWAYS saw the good in people... I refused to acknowledge that when my debit card was empty so was my calendar, unless babysitting was needed. No more. I am often lonely without the car and phone ( computer etc) isolation is not happening because sober women are there for me I can get to mtgs.... but my relationships today are based in an affinity that is void of motives and anything but love. Need is need. I am not ashamed of it nor proud when I am NOT living in fears based in it. It is ok because I am ok INSIDE. I am at times happy my circumstances are as such so I may observe where I invested my self and carefully consider such investments in the future ODAAT based takers I have honored here ( NH F's>O>B) NOT referring to any one in NY or MA and you know it!)

Severe Peeling and Many Old Layers

2011-06-18T12:55:00.001-04:00

Severe Peeling and Many Old Layers

This is a real B - t c h
Cedar scraping with a cheap tool..... I heard that cedar should not be painted on an exterior surface.. Does anyone out there know?

I am off the digital social grid and suffering for it.

15 years of sobriety and an apartment space with mold mildew soot and structural damages I am unable to repair. So what does a good drunk like me do?

Fix the outside!

And work at changing the things that I can....

And then Unemployment decides ot hold this weeks pay... And asks me why I cannot log on... I missed an email...
I said why can I not have the option for an email delivery with a CC to my home box?

I reminded the MANAGEr I was the one who drove thorugh three blizzards to shovel out said MAILbox last winter waiting on tenderhooks for the back pay which never arried nearly getting gnagreene in my fingers shoveling out with a rusted old garden shovel...

ANd BTW when not receing a paycheck I am still paying rent and I stopped myslef at the fact the ' BF' broke my computer a 2200 XPS in his rage over their NONpayment.. Hence I am doing to NO SKILLS NO TOOLS NO MONEY REPAIR RENOVTION JOKE of a life BIOTCH! YOU live on that and alone with no dependents ie qualifications for 'help'...and then, you pay a cell phone ( modem too) and computer bill, feed and fuel yourself with cofee and nictine to boot.

SO yeah I am 124 lbs which helped with the 40th birthday. I DO have the best rear in AA, no kids, no marital history and little baggage.... Just a fierce will...

OH yeah accomplishments:

28 dump runs in a Corolla

CLEAN OUT ( attached 2 story BARN, end to end including 20 years of CRAP left here by whoEVER) The legacy of our family found in layers of books signed first editions .... photogrpahs, etc in mold... I am a SAP so this was emotionally exhaustive... Then my end... found my first meeting list and ledallions, bills from Cape Cod to Manhattan all utilities and nothing interesting..

Remnants of relationships to remind me I did compelte an accurate self appraisal with sponsor(s) and still had am notorious for BAD TASTE IN MEN:-)

Restored old Elmira Woodcookstove for Father's Day
and more Library closing this second@

I HAVE accomplished in addition to the milestone of 15 years

Unions Rally Against Collective Bargaining Amendment - Manchester News Story - WMUR Manchester

2011-04-01T23:17:00.000-04:00

Unions Rally Against Collective Bargaining Amendment - Manchester News Story - WMUR Manchester

2011-03-14T02:43:00.000-04:00

'take what you want and leave the rest'

SO he tossed my lapytop out on the steps when yet again my unemployment failed to arrive....

3 months ..........

and now I have FINALLY connected to the ol HP PAviliom M 70...
And am inept at setting the display with the NVDIA panel so my eyes will not cross........

I babysat this weekend and am too tired to even type I look like I am in line at a clinic nodding off over the desk..

the 'guys' are playing Hold Em so I got to unpack from a hectic weekend and let's just say I have not slept more than 2 hours..

CHOKING incident with a TANGERINE ..... beat myself up ALL NIGHT LONG for not having CPR and Heimlich training..... HAD to watch her sleep and ensure she was breathing from 10 pm until 6 :30 am ( thank you SPRING AHEAD....)

I CRIED after myt brither in law ( x) and nephew got on the bus back to NY...

I yelled at Victoria for saying she did not care and that noone willcare about anything I DO have done and will do when they are BIG unless I have money..( Translation / newsflash I do not care about The future I am attempting to keep them LIVING inthe NOW and appreciate the special little love shiners while they DO love me) and I did not ever ask her to LOVe THEM as I do her daughter and grnadson but that these people are my life and I cannot caretake her emotionally and talk her off the ledge 15 times a day when she regrettablynad understandlably PANICS when her calls are unanswered and my friend is either sick of her yes! and or using OH WELL It is NOT horrific it is LIFE and we CAN at least find some reason to continue ON and thinking of others.

I still wish someone would put on my fb wall that I ROCK for the myriad of things I do albeit 'askew' and all...

and well my NEPHEW DID at last he said he loves me he is 8....

RIGHT UP THERE in a BOLD headline YES!!!

AND Victoria tells me corals son Dylan so enjoyed the card I made him and the CHeetha from ANimal Planet I sent in the US Mail that he took them with him in his baby stroller to get a bagel..

YEAH this was happening about when here in NH, the mum my 'bf''s daughter returned hungover and I was blown off for gas money after watching her 2 and my one nephew for over 24 hours and she had the BALLS to ask me to go back upstairs for her MONEY bag... she was too 'hungover' and needed ot go out for breakfast.
UGH.... I promise and have acted on it already that I pay it forward and Kelley and Lisle if you ever read this, I do.....

I have and continue to... One difference is I borrow once. and share forever when I have everyone has...
when I do not I do NOT with the active folk in my life today. zzz

Blameless children.............. noone of us liked the force feeding of humble pie blah blah blahbidy BLAH...
I love em ALL drunk or sober but their kids MORe becauyse at least they love back...

Blogger saves Lunatics Ass

2011-02-04T09:41:00.001-05:00

I am copying my comment on the blog and thank Eli for divinely intervening in my impulse to help myself to money I found in the house that I need.. and for ever stealing a Starbucks CD.

Thank you for writing this post because I REALLY NEEDED to read it this morning.
My SO has locked his office, I am sans job, and I found the poker stash.... WOW what a freakin trip down trigger lane this is..
I am going to NOT locate they key..... justify and tear apart bank bags of change and bills as I need gas and cigarettes.
He, was humming his catchy passive aggressive ditty in the shower thihe is not musical OR poetic consisting of some insults in the key of B major as in bitchin b/c he needs to be relieved of the bondage of semen) Seriously?? We are HERE? At MR AA's 17 year Anniversary?
We still do not know how to say 'I feel ( depraved, resentful, etc etc) or worse I want to go upstairs, do you? Is this difficult? Instead I witness tantrum and remain on laptop in front of fireplace and let him stomp himself to bed) And I not only do not care, indulge or go to the argument I wish I had a lesson other than this one today. I wish I could be at home in my apt with heat and running water...and the smoke soot was GONE and my environment was mine to control.

See how this could be a perfect set up for me to go in there and raid those money bags? I mean ten bucks for gas and butts... He would NEVER notice ...
Why it is not in a safe and why I am not privy to the facts is another blog post...
The first day I am out of money in the 6 years I have known him....

and I found a nice guy that does not share.. Entitlement, his FLUID level , my need to be cherished and adored, money (fear doubt insecurity) ........... can anyone tell me what this has to do with one day at a time not using and loving one anther through it all with a HP?

NO ONE likes me today!

2011-01-28T22:00:00.009-05:00

My best friend in recovery said I am not nice and not to call her or text her anymore.

This happens on occassion when a sponsee has died and my own heart is broken I am not buying anymore BS about secret physical PAIN and suffering...

My sinuses are clogged and I am in slow motion....

It is snowing..again... and tomorrow another foot is expected.

I turned on the am tv only because I was driving to babysit and curious if the roads would be impassible like last Tuesday am when I was supposed to watch Haleigh..
A GMA story sensationalizing addicted/alcoholic mothers who premeditatively murder their offspring. A blackened face from Alanon was interviewed to confirm that the father had reached out for support. And, as a footnote the commenting forensic P doc indicates there MAY be underlying mental health 'issues'. What a journalistic disgrace!

Then on with the day.... start the car, 4 degrees out and a crappy cup of coffee. HTe kind that just does not get you moving...

Observe my sullen looking canine who cannot get over the fact that there are now 2 kittens at the apt, she can not not come with me to watch the toddler. The kittens are challenged enough with her dunking them in the potty and permanently warping their tails...

Though discouraged by seemingly insurmountable circumstances I am certain that this love of a toddler or any kids in my life are blessings I am grateful for that make me appreciate my sobriety. Though, it is one of those days that I would trade it or give it any mother that just cannot face the uncomfortable ness of detoxing and changing...
I was trying to impart a sense of confidence by using positive, encouraging words. This praise would help her really really be done with pooping IN her pants...

Also, big girls are responsible for their actions in the rest of their environment. I announced "There will be no more sneaking off to the corner behind the bed to POOP in our PANTS."

I regret to maintain that there will be NO MORE kitten bending, twisting, tail pulling, or hurling at the wall either...
As predicted, I was yelling before I knew it..I had raised my voice. ( GUILT. Shame... inflicted trauma...) I plowed through that bravely and applied,a (albeit brief) time out. Hey, I have watched Nanny Jo Jo! I explained why, and confirmed that she understood exactly why she was in a time out for the duration of 2 minutes.

I mentioned a life skill called thinking thorugh to the consequences. See, the kitten would soon be in for vaccinations and meow meow tattle on her to the Vet... Where the KPS would intervene if the vertebrae were permanently warped.(jk)

" NOfor *&^ sak get some BALLS! , I thought to myself.

And after about what seemed like an eternity she had this FACE.....
A face that was shocked and little glassy moist eyes just looking at me....the betrayal!

She then said, " I no love you Becca" "Mommaaaa... no Becca......... go to work!" If she had been using the word 'like', it would have been understandable.

It's bad when my friends are pissed at me but when that little precious FACE turned..
Do you know the FACE I speak about? It was ALL LOVE since April 1st 20008...

I am going to shovel now and post a picture of my first mitten that actually looks like a mitten.....

I found a pattern that made sense and gave up winging it...
I am knitting with a discontinued multicolor Noro Silk/wool.

View in large

2011-01-26T23:33:00.001-05:00

View in large
Originally uploaded by Becca6296

cold

2011-01-26T11:30:00.000-05:00

It's COLD ....

It is so cold that.............
the squirrel in the feeder was staring at me helplessly TREMBLING all over body chattering and I felt so bad that I almost did not let Ginger out to chase the red rat off of the feeders....

plus..it is not even funny

Pinky Swear?

2011-01-23T21:17:00.072-05:00

Being an approval and validation wh**r* myself I always feel surprised and so comforted when women come up after to say things like that was real and thanks for your complete and raw honesty it was so moving, etc etc. I feel all light and burdenfree, back in my happy accepteance of all the things in my life and the courage to change the people that I can... jk...

I started feeling the familiar neurotically charged nerve twitch in my head that starts when I am unable to get my sister on the phone and posts on her 'wall' indicate major changes chaos and more.... Then the turmoil, the kind that you cannot recall that glory of the happy mtg and room overflowing with people who care about you, and you love them back, the air is not 14 degrees below zero, and your dog is not dying, your Dad and your apt are not decaying like the final scene in last pm's Hoarder's episode, the kind that you droll over the cell phone staring into lost time when her kids were actually still apart of your life.
Not just mere casualties in her succession of false starts/(abusive men) and all an outright refusal to be alone for more than an hour?

I got to hear his VOICE on the phone today.. the rescuer of the week?

NO, she could not just complete her after care, go to therapy and or get an apt alone so what if had to be subsidized for awhile... Now I am thinking about mySELF ..., because now my nephew is even further away....and every kid in my heart in my life's mums are relapsing perpetually unwilling to love themselves and or be alone, some are financially strapped some are capable of being alone but none will do it. NO
we must imprison our spirits by choosing these animals. This one broker her glasses, cheats whatever loafs and mooched for a year though I am unaure what is the truth. She did get arrested for a fake oxy script.

I know her , her voice, her pattern, her heart, she is my sister. I know this is another escape from another poor choice because i have been there. I just did no have kids. I get attached to other ppl's kids and then want to be there for them and when I cannot I feel so goddamn sickened by the boyfriend being the new priority.
My poor little nephew will have to start yet another school after making friends this year...ugh.
Otherwise she is good working full time and who knows. I just heard what this idiot said and how this sick fuck made my lil guy cry.... last week he told him that he ( and my sister) somehow killed his dog? Apprently this was taken from the The Idiot's Guide to psychological Torture... The dog was not dead and at his brother's.

SO yeah I ( we?) babysat yesterday and learned about pinky swearing. As we fell asleep for a nap she peed on the potty prior and is almost , 80% potty trained. That is just insane because I changed her first diaper in the hospital. I thought it was a BAND AID. She was so small I was so terrified to hold her. Now I drag her around in a sled. This is the GIFT for me today. Unfortunately everything else sucks.

e I would.... now I cannot remember!! Oh well better get used to it kid..

Every child I love or have love or will love will be seeing me in straight jacket imminently.

I am not able to succinctly describe a sensitive issue to any one that has remnants left of a brain in my life.

I was hollered at for using his precious point and shhoot chep camera to take this nice chickadee, a male, a couple of morning's ago.

I am alone,( in my head) not alone like in my APT breathing in kerosene soaking in SOOT alone with my own remote and coffee pot. Just cannot take the toxic fumes and will be over to check on Dad and my again WOG in the am...
I am sorting it out in Dana's warm house hoping he does not open his mouth while I am trying to think....
I am in my chair, quietly processing all of this ....he is farting, discreetly......I need money and propane.

I may soon rant about it uncensored.

I pinky swear.

Boston Man Turns Drug-Addled Life Into Movie - Boston News Story - WCVB Boston

2011-01-22T15:05:00.000-05:00

Boston Man Turns Drug-Addled Life Into Movie - Boston News Story - WCVB Boston

My friend and former employer owns a restaurant in the North End produced and acts in this...

Please support this film if you are able to see it !

King of NY Hacks..... What say you?

2011-01-14T13:59:00.000-05:00

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/01/13/all-tomorrows-taxis/?hp

King of NY Hacks..... What say you? I hear there are only certain times of day there are 'yellow spots' all over the streets and for the most part you can wait for up to 20 minutes for a cab these days?

2011-01-14T12:28:00.001-05:00

2011-01-14T09:42:00.001-05:00

Courage to Change

2011-01-12T10:32:00.002-05:00

I am unable to accomplish anything at all whatsoever. I am telling
on myself to you.
I do not like my bf. Attempts at conversation induce disgust with his tone, attitude, vocabulary and demeanor. Perhaps because I hate myself when I feel powerless which is very different from acceptance of ( to my innermost self) being powerless. When I look around I want to stay in the woods, with a camera, or my needles and some sparkly luxuriant yarn at Borders. I do not want to watch my heart dying, my sobriety dog, my original higher power. This is just horrendous. Not only is IT happening but I waited for 3 hours in my apt chilled to the bone. WHY? Dad was out, at LUNCH! HMMMMM She lives with him next door and i am locked out and cannot get to her. THEN I look in my car to get my 3rd Kerosene carrier this year at 16.00 a pop, and it is NOT there. I cannot wait and warm up. BF took it OUT of MY car and did NOT put it back last night.
Observe the ice in the driveway and picture it tomorrow, with 19 inches of BLIZZARD on top. IE I cannot drive BACK to BF's house and back here prior to storm starting. DAD, gets home and promptly denies the dog's unable to walk well, why? He had a couple drinks, OK.. this STILL is tolerable compared to .....
HOWever.... This dog is my heart and he tells me that she is not eating? I HOLLERED and said," DAD????? She is NOT going to suffer. YOU are responsible for determining her capacity to ingest fluids food excrete them and do it with out falling up OR DOWN the front steps. My other 10 yr old dog in all of my photos is FINE, well, alive and not dying anyway we went to the dog park after this to cheer up.

WHY?with no ability to draw from my strength. I have done nothing tp find a job. WHAT am I DOING? I cannot listen to EITHER of these men deman money from me anymore it makes me ill. I am so disgusted with all of the EXTERNALS from the economy to the backlash, the
Loser don't think in the indulgent manner that I'm just being mean to myself. Because I truly cannot DO anything well enough to be creative and make some money. myself bc it is the truth. My life IS GREY GARDENS crossed with in treatment, minus Gabrielle Byrne and the WRONG KENNEDY IN MIDDLE NAME. Yes I was as mental as EDIE my Dad has become as helpless as her mother and I am too f-ed up to let him rot to death there. ANd, because my BF is Mr AA and yet berates condemns and often I am quite sure I am not staying here for the long term because of it. BUT he thinks he can speak in unacceptable ways to me b/c I have become accustomed to being warm and taking hot showers.
FOr fuck's sake I am so screwed. I cannot enable Dad by allowing him to be the victim of his age and SSI PArt B taxes etc to the pointhte home has rooted so badly the COmmunity Action program rescinded thier offer to help get him hot water on his side, support the structure plug the roof leaks and fix all of the water damage. Then I was told the MOLD woiuld be fixed and MY heat would be functional again.
But NO.
Is this Dad's fault? NOT entirely. Enter the Sister. Who spent the last of his savings starting this in law apt project and abandoned it halfway through. I, paid Dad a total of 12 K so far living here, never mind the labor and landscape maintenance for WHAT? To lose my job and be cared for ONLY as far as when he gets his money which I am still PAYING when I am not working and NOT gotten ONE unemployment check YET? When I gave him a very genreous holiday and he says WHERE ARE THE SNEAKERS??? AGH!
I love this man? The ACOA attachment disorder...
Manifested in a smaller bitchier version of him in my BF's personality.
WHY? I believe that NO man will not end up being this way. I have yet to choose a single one, no, the only time I was ever in love REALLY? Was in a FALSE artificial dishonest context of LIES
To live and have choice about what I have to listen to from a BF. It was the lesser of two...
NOW I like the beautiful home BUT I am not feeling all that happy around HIM.
BLEED now bitch!! It is so disgusting that I am so ungrateful.
The ONLY thing that I am sure of is that the process of thinking feeling and thoroughly surrendering has the effect on my brain which mimics a change that creates PEACE. This within. I have found this in a myriad of ways and sometimes NONE of them work. I can accept that it rains, or go where it's warm, or know that as soon as I just bleed and eat some dark chocolate I will again feel the 'sunlight of the spirit'.
So I went to Al ANON for the first time in YEARS last night. I just listened. I have all the books and the tee shirts. The blueprint for progress was a great addition to my process but not until I read Letting Go daily for 3 years and everything else in that range. I am going back I hope to hear some more recovery in the rooms this was my reason for leaving prior and focusing on my primary program.
I am going to wait to contribute re: my 'educational variety ' deep and effective experiences elude me

HERE We don't GROW Again

2010-12-21T13:54:00.006-05:00

Santa List ( ie GOD box WTF?)

For her ....
OH yeah another paradox family cannot help family, but tell an Italian that one with an Irish middle name)

Try to explain just precisely how I recovered in AA , and the book and sponsors being 'godless' in a way that inspires hope and a realistic idea of just how much work it is to be as UNcomfortable as only We know the depths of, and be OK without an imaginary friend that magically releases us from all fear doubt and insecurity ...
Footwork is what follows the first item on my list....for my bf's grown daughter with 2 kids that I love.

Her we don't grow again in the maze of my life.. Dead sponsees and 'balemeless children' I grieve over... The MOTHERS should SOBEr not the AUNT, the mother should be in therpay and meetings, not the FRIEND, the sponsor alone baffled .. WHY am I feeling this ? Am I EMESHED? OR am I sober and feleling and LOVING and living with ' the constant thought of others' and trying to be helpful?
Helpful is not do for, and I have what appears to be a healthy interdependence developing with this man after 5 years. I am writing because he left for a day. I can exhale and say wow. I have not lived with anyone else for 8 YEARS I am 37!
WHY AM I HERE?
I can only lead and not RUN thorough to the dead ends and collapse depleted...THE artificial realtionships in AA groups are sickening me lately. I know I know... I AM.
Trying a different meeting again until I reframe my perception and attitude.

ok...

Sparing the drama post, you know the drill, Domestic violence, blew OVER and I was watching the kids and I ( ME! ) did not even notice the smell of alcohol. THis a month after the other incident....
She , ?where right now? Getting 2 kittens.... I am " the ONLY p[erson who says anything positive to her when she is excited about anything new" (or changes she is making)

Praying to the GOD that I do not believe in worked for my alcohol/drug problem. Today I need fresh AIR so I can breathe... and talk with my sponsor incessantly... so I can see when and if I am messing UP. (Dare yee betray that which saved your life? Bethrothed...or be stricken DRUNK?)
OK ENOUGH that is blurring the lines in recovery wihtin the 2nd step... [GOD ( is LOVE) to me and all around me.
IN this LOVING presence or as I try to change how it is I love or my capacity to do so, am I

Enabling, approval seeking, fixing, peacemaking, avoiding ( me)etc sigh well here goes after this month of complete chaos.... aND UPHEAVAL all based in alcoholism as multigenerational and colocated for SURE on the DSM....

My Santa List....

Bottom

no jail time

2 1/2 year old girl here with her Mom and at her Dad's on Christmas

A qualified therapist with a NO BS style schooled and experienced with the the addicted family dynamics and ACOA that can sell the benefits of a 12 step program to an adult child.....

for BOTH of the parents

and Colby the 6 year old to not be yelled before her hearing when she gets before the judge to beg for her daughter back... that being tomorrow am is going to be fun....

I get to the early meeting tonight.... and unemployment comes before July.

That I can be happy I get the whole house alone where I am WARM and not being asked for money from my Dad or bf.

Fuckers..I cashed my retirement and exhausted myself spending .... THIS I did AFTER paying my cell , cable and rent bills past due AND a month ahead. Then I could shop for children ahppily. BUT What I THOUGHT was 240 owed turned into the ghost of a home built on a foundation of insanity with an upsiude down heat system resulting in the decline of all things Rebecca.... After the RE_org... part 1 was a back heat bill whrere they banged me for 600 bucks and then I resentfully went to the dollar store... I have no heat still.
And you know I actually do a LOT for other people and it was pinted out to me that noone helps me out. Is this WHY I am so generous when I do have? I want people to know how much I care, miss, feel, and think about them when they are such special kids. And yet I am unable to fix some problems and I surrendered them to my HP. AND am paying rent anf NOT staying there. at least it is not Papa's got a brand new bag anymore on my paycheck!
I cannot buy heat. I will not buy heat. The pipes froze 3 times already with propane the heat goes UP not IN. I lost the OT see past blogs and had a pay plan for my last bill. I heated with a portable Kerosene tank last year. Adult acne anyone?Psychosis via inhalation of fumes made me question if I needed a 24 hour chip last year. I refuse to inhgale kerosene fumes and or moild and anycombination of it anymore.
Period I will put up with the BS until spring. ( BS means BF demanding any money I have after DAD landlord gets his.... ) WTF sigh.
Not much I can do whilst unemployed.
How can i be HELPFUL? Let me list the ways ... How have I been helpful? I am trying though it is unorganized and unscheduled I am prepared to make holiday cookies, have a knit party, sing with kids, run with scissors (jk) and the like. Just as soon as I am somewhere that someONE can handle a little flour or sugar on the table and floor....AND their family is in tact to have such activities with. AND put off doing this with my own niece and nephew and hope we get to spend time with the other kids in my heart/life.

It is ok...I could not afford to order and heat and I refuse to get another 800 bill to heat a 2 room apt for 5-6 weeks max where i am still cold and the squirrels are sweating above the wet moldy insulation.

I am going to go walk with Ginger in the woods and thank my higher power fro my sobriety and that I was able to get meaningful gifts for all of the kids in my heart and some glad ware for my bf. I am in a relationship with a man who externally appears very masculine and sexy. he is a mason. He is responsible with his ( HIS ) money and sober for 15 yrs..

On paper I am a faghag. Tupperware and vacuuming and BITCHING! After 5 years of our collective BS and processing, learning, or unlearning, repeat, etc I am happy that someone loves me defects and all. Even if they still cannot comprehend what the whole critical parent thing is about....

Too old for Santa.... too young to get a job

2010-12-14T00:04:00.003-05:00

Too old for Santa but too young to get a job

A facebook status update 'merchandise post ' and a thumbnail link is communicating with your family?

Are fb friends in the under 20 age group exchanging gifts?Hmmm... If I had 168,993,002 'friends'..with jobs it could be industrious to set up pay pal links with their' Polo ' items thumbnailed status updates for SANTA. Seriously at least provide links to retailers......HitMacy'sUp or something...

.I got it now.

u ....

Firefighter molests woman at AA meeting - NYPOST.com

2010-12-10T20:48:00.000-05:00

Firefighter molests woman at AA meeting - NYPOST.com

I see Dennis Leary incorporating this gem into a scene in his FX series Rescue Me....

Got a match?

2010-11-26T13:08:00.000-05:00

Got a match?
Does anyone else show gratitiude by thoroughly cleaning for a parent? You know when you are alone in their kitchen and you decide to do an exhaustive cleaning after keeping your mouth shut about the filth you cooked in?
I had to repeatedly use boiling water to clean the top of the old Jenn Air grease collector when the digital clock error-ed out...F 7,....BEEP BEEP beeeeep . E 4 after every trying every possible combination of cook time and bake time and clena, broil, etc this sound quickly becomes intolerable. Mind you this beep was fixed after years I have now broken it again, and for good this time... Could not unplug it with the wood cook stove putting out heat... I stuff the stove because I am chilled to the bone 24 hours a day. And, I have bronchitis. I do not care that we are no longer cooking... I am cleaning and I make it warm for ME... Every year I do this and every year he gets aggravated after his post gluttony nap.
Off to the 250 yr old dirt cellar to hold the flashlight for him so we could find the fuse. It worked! Ok no stove sorry Dad... He was actually NOT screaming and stomping? Old age is aging tempering him. I then I heard something odd. To my horror saw a spring cascading down the foundation like a zen waterfall... But this from a copper pipe. The kind you see up north where people fill their water bottles with spring water on the side of the road. DAD??? Where is the water going? It is not flooded?I said, "What the hell is this? He said, " Oh that???It has been going on for DAYS."
He asked me to get the BIG wrench and I did. I held the flashlight and he moaned 'OW my baaack Owwwww my hands" I grabbed the wrench said HOLD this and got cranking....
WOW.
Old cartoons were so accurate...one leak, crank the wrench, two leaks , try next level up pipe, a FAN shaped leak... copper pipe tsunami 3 am on my head, this worked for me I guess as I was drenched in lestoil anyway.

I also shone the light UP straight this time and observed me in the tsunami with the wrench connected to all of the ELECTRICAL wires for my apt and his home...
Does anyone have any lighter fluid?

OW MY back!
OW MY head!

Unemployed in Boscawen

2010-11-22T18:19:00.001-05:00

I will not let my anxiety transform me into an unemployed binge eating depressive maniac.
I will trust that I will survive, not freeze or starve to death, and my knitted washcloths are exactly what everyone wants for Christmas and Hannukah. I will surrender my ocd add et all I really hope I do not relapse and pull out my now long brows and lashes... ....

I will not tell my Dad until I have an approved claim from unemployment.
In the meantime I will be grateful for my sobriety, my dog, a car that runs. I need brakes and still owe the mechanic for inspection, but hey it could be worse. I could have a child to provide for.
I am confident that I absolutely worked to the best of my ability and got a royal corporate screwing, coinciding with our positions being outsourced to another continent during overnight hours. Among other facts I will refrain from ranting about until I know that I will be able to collect unemployment.

Earthquake Shakes Homes In New Hampshire - New Hampshire News Story - WMUR Manchester

2010-09-26T23:36:00.000-04:00

Earthquake Shakes Homes In New Hampshire - New Hampshire News Story - WMUR Manchester

f.up to this am's post

Now it all makes sense! The epicenter was HERE as in on this road in MY backyard.... Not just in NH I am shocked!

What the F was THAT?

2010-09-26T11:05:00.000-04:00

The sound was like an explosion that was followed by a collision of some kind so forceful that you something terrible had happened. The tremor was felt from below my outstretched body, but because the television was still on. Dad? Dad iis dead. Why? Not because I am prone to exaggeration, but because we do not have natural gas, water or other PUC lines here or within a 10 mile vicinity, also no highways or thru traffic. ( I do not have dsl if that helps to create a rural image)

Like a brave first responder I tip toed NUDE trembling to the door and opened it far enough to see the moon above,and keep my built to rescue German Shepherd IN behind my legs, equally freaked out.

I saw the left hanging barn door still propped sideways hanging by a nail.

I was shaking my friends.... I pictured all of the water damage on the roof and the crumbling ceilings my father enjoys adjacently...... Would my unsuspecting Dad, previously sleeping like big bird on the couch to the Discovery channel, under a heap? I am not being dramatic, it happened to the breezeway and the kitchen when I was about 9 yrs old. I walked through the pitch black tripping over

my 'hoard' ," DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD" ? Silence.... But, I could see into 2 rooms, a good sign...

"Did you hear that????" I shouted I at the top of my lungs.

"I sure DID" I heard his voice, and not with an intimidated affect either. I was relieved in a way that I cannot impart in a note. I said that it must have been an earthquake. He called The 911 line was a fast busy for the next hour. * NY and LA friends: this means more than 2 people in the county dialed simultaneously. I went back home and left the light on and cleared a better path to the bathroom for him, but I did not fall asleep quickly.I thought about the thousands of people affected by the real , NOT imagined natural disasters on other continents, and if we will be able to help in any small way, before they are dropped off of the news entirely.

YOU could have written that!

2010-09-18T18:13:00.000-04:00

But you DIDN"T....

Absolutely any topic that inspires me to write, is always JUST published ...

each and every time....

My experiences end up seeming so superficial, like I had a cup of coffee with insert thought /subject/story/ rant and I will remain mentally and expressively constipated until I die.

I could break it down in to a a chapter I had of EACH BOOK.

Sound appealing?

OR I feel 100 percent present and inspired about a topic, and cannot get my thoughts down on paper because I am driving.

Always, when I am driving..... WHY!????

Especially if I happen to catch the moth on npr.....

REALLY pisses me off.

I cannot believe I am staring at my loveseat up against the wall with all of the this clutter STILL mid paint job in my apartment. I am stuck with a capital S. I cannot move my couch to the barn alone and I am not going to ask bitchboy again. The last time he was here instead of simply helping me get them to the barn , I heard, " You NEVER should have gotten this crap" Ok.. these belonged to my sponsee ( google spell checker does not like this word) that DIED. What an insensitive little shit as if I belong on HOARDERS. The nerve, I am on the wrong side of 35 and have my entire life's possessions in this 2 room including 'kitchen' apartment.

I am sick , and after having a reprieve for about 5 months I am sure it was the mold and it is back.

My head hurts like a cocaine xtc hangover with mixed sulfite's.

for King of NY Hacks (if you have not read it already)

2010-08-15T13:45:00.000-04:00

http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2010/08/15/opinion/20100815opart_taxi.html

2010-08-12T08:53:00.000-04:00

I always knew it was time to wake up when the musty oder permeated through the walls of the old farmhouse, our bedroom was downwind.

Jazz musicians and improv, jazz musician and creativity, jazz musicians and genius, jazz musicians and booze, my father's equal if not greater comsumption than admitted by Louis Armstrong was a constant and necessary ingredient for any peace. When the supply was out the grizzly bear turned on the little humans....

I do not believe it to ( in my observation and subsequent pyscho-social development) to at deter from a real alcoholic's cravings and the eventual tale over of ETOH.

I am successfully brainwashed that GOOD jazz is not to be criticized, stop arguing now hopefully it will be legalized.

One cannot approve of or criminalize one substance by an artist success, or jazz itself would have disappeared with the introduction of heroin. what do you think?

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/addiction-in-society/201008/louis-armstrong-genius-and-drugs

And I am a believer in substituting as the gateway to relapse period. That is how MY brain works.

2010-07-30T08:49:00.000-04:00

NO TIME

my lengthy comment to King OF NY Hacks inspired by morning coffee with Dad over Rex Parker's Crossword where a clue made me thing to link them together, where I then read another post that reminded me of conversations with Victoria also in NY who keeps me current. She called the 311 yesterday about the cyclists issue as she is 'Granny' and petrified ( born that way) and worse now to cross a street with her grandson. See pictures I will link to in my goggle if i can get my act together ever.

To further complicate matters I upgraded my phone which ( and I was once an Implementation Project Mgr in telcom for business, linking networks via Worldcom internationally) Yes I cannot get my contacts into the HTC EVO.........................

BUT check out the gdamn camera!!! It is like a big tv in Best Buy in High DEF!

Happy again!

well getting there... no garden and everyone is sick of dog pictures niece and nephew are far too busy for me anymore and controlling boyfriend limits my self expression and your interest but ... ODAAT

OH the evo is making a sound he has called thrice and I still need o dress and get in car jeans day = no shower

Yeah I'll BLOW

2010-07-25T20:27:00.000-04:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/25/us/25drugged.html?ref=todayspaper

Returning from a camping trip hosted by the SO Vt/Claremont NH district I saw this headline and am stuck somewhere between a drink is a drug and a drug is a drug/
PEriod.

Then, childhood memories of leaving our hippie school for our twice weekly ski trips... Dad cherponing and driving adn steering with his knees as he rolled a Spliff...
It WAS different back then, and if you knew the good 'ol boys and had one too many they simply gave you a ride home.

NOW we, having moved to the sticks from NY were already blacklisted. AND stereotyped accordingly.
Rational absorption of these facts and my fond memories of steering us home often as a child are in a wee bit of conflict... and then there is my own sobriety, and that it does not protect me from a drunk on the roads either.
Legalizing marijuana in CA, does this mean they have a stamp on a driver's license?
I will have to look this up I cannot remember if they provide the impairment sticker on the THC pills already.
Opiates and booze, well, I certainly drive at the age of 16 under hallucinogens. AND etc I have NOT been addicted to opiates. I also have never read a headline where a driver was arrested for being on heroin or being dope SICK.

Have you if anyone is out there?

Somewhere in between, is the REAL fact that a very close friend in a relapse has been convicted of this DUI ( on RX medication) twice in 2 years and a DWI ( booze) her 2nd after serving time over 10 years ago.
( ANd IF she ever reads this she will HATE me so Shut the f UP)
The MADD SADD groups would hang her, and I am stuck somewhere between loving a friend who needs treatment, caring with compassion, and yet still feeling guilty fro thinking she should never drive again, at least until 3 years of clean urine.

letter to a friend

2010-07-04T11:02:00.000-04:00

preface we wer not talking for a long long time

we ran the streets in Cambridge as teens and prep school we had a fun time on xtc acid then as adults, lots of the x and then came the white album...He is an art director and I was in sales in telcom then after Sales at Tiffany's. We were together when my mom died in nyc and that same day I tossed his needles in the garbage, and he detoxed before I buried her. He was a BIG part of my development, both in active years and then my sober years always encouraging me to be more and we last shared a place on E 74rthst and I left b/c I missed my little niece and NH and he and I fought over the amount of mtgs I was going to as I remember it, I feared he was pre or in relapse and I was ruining my cahnces of staying sober. I threw everything in the honda crx and cruised back to NH. Then I ws mad bc he told all HS friends I was crazy. Whatever I love this guy like a brother, and wanted to save my note as a brief synopsis of where we are today.

I would be mad at you for making me live in LA too. Working in commercials is exhausting.
I cannot imagine what it is like. Going anywhere is not happenin'. I try not to feel like sorry for my pathetic lot in life. I am employed but it seems like I make enough to get to and from my cubicle job and not much else. And this is HUGE....I have stayed in one place for 8 years ALONE( !>?) me... so though I feel enslaved and bitch on my blog that I cannot DO anything ever fun, I hate being poor and struggling, I hate paying rent while doing all of the property maintenance here with this insanity. and HOW I wish I could get the f outta here and see PPL.. He and I are butting heads on this as he is provided GOOD expensive organic coffee, maid service, dump and recycling 50 acres of SHRUB LAWN and dog shit care, and all kinds of benefits on me.. Little things I share with Dad always have, began to add up when I had to pay to fix my own ceiling and attempt MOLD removal with NO CLUE..I have been ill in my sinus for sooo long and finally discovered WHY. I am glad I have no kids I am torturing just spoiled dogs. And my dad... next door.. I keep baking sweets yet that his insulin continues to keep him going.. ( jking of course) I love him and deal with the bs b/c he cannot play piano anymore with the Dupetryn's...apparently he cannot run the vacuum cleaner either. Are you in contact with your Dad at all? How is your Mom?
I love you Nick! I am sorry you found me crazy and or I subjected you to my unrest. I got my 14 yr chip and still need much of what the program provides but I cannot embrace any Christianity like concepts.

When you have time check out the link to my friend's documentary Oxymorons they shot it in Somerville it is really good.

What else to make you laugh... I took up gambling, it bet prostitution I smoke a pack a day stopped working out, but have a full head of brows and lashes for like 8 consecutive months. And I am THIN. ( ish)
Thank you to online gaming and farmville.
I did well last fall too playing Hold 'em poker on ultimate bet,online, but cannot seem to repeat the performance. I keep choking, but it does occupy my fingers and keep my ocd at bay:-) I took a six month hiatus and won 12 bucks yesterday from a buck woo hoo.
You know you are so very very special ( friend I wrote to) I hope you are able to write, if you ever have any down time if only for yourself. Remember this on those long hard days when you get home to dogs that cannot fathom how hard it is to provide for them with their damn panting whiny faces ;-0 It beats paying for a teenagers cell phone bill and clothing and having college money anxieties ALL DAY LONG :-) And in your case ALIMONY good riddance bitch!

F- that!

NYT article

2010-07-01T00:19:00.002-04:00

No Bright Lights Big City theme in said defense? The blackout defense for market manipulation, he could have said he was simply not part of that decision, repeat, ;-) (every little bit helps to deter the stereotype ). Any financial 'harms done' list for either fella or our' on shore' broker dealers if they were to be held accountable for short selling the US economy, all are solvable problems compared to the unprecedented disaster that was the Gulf. Thanks for posting this. I am sure now that New Jersey Housewives will feel much better now about any debt incurred under the influence . That put the biggest smile on my face. I am going to share this now with my friends that read.

The Friday had off I went to the noontime mtg where I had not been in a DOG's age.
Are you so totally amazed at the sci fi movie like suction that occurs when you get yanked back in a millisecond form the proverbial white light after being in a meeting with your PEOPLE and knowing again what pure ( clean, sobah what have you) RELIEF is? That screwed up thing that happens when you exhale again at last and you skip back from a f-in church basement saying I will never isolate again feel lke such SHIT.. )

Do you dream about me? Because ihave a recurring dream and wake up so bereft and devastated that you never came back for me and have coffee, become furious that I am still dreaming about you and how sickening it is to me that it is the only time I am ever happy. I have an imaginary life in REM only. It is carefree spontaneous joy I feel inspired loved happy and whole and madly in love there is no hostility no constant undercurrent of disgust and suffocation, just respect and adoration, and that bond that knows no confiinement in institutions contrtacts or PROPERTY or fear

no wonder I Can't fucking sleep I live in a dump and dream of a better life and cannot free myself because I am scared that this is as good as it gets and if I change everything I am just acting 'out' I am 100% programmed now by 12 steps of sober responsible thinking and not at all inclined to self destruct trust what anyone says and end up worse than I am now. If that is even possible as far as my environment domestically and finances and future.
Inside I am GOOD
Please send chocalte if you are really there GOD.

Weekend Reading | The Atlantic Wire

2010-06-19T11:35:00.000-04:00

Weekend Reading | The Atlantic Wire

tweets for twots

2010-06-19T10:28:00.001-04:00

Social media should be a subject not a medium. I NEED to read and hear professionally generated stories because I cannot sort the facts from opinions on my own, especially with ADD. If the line of demarcation is unclear or locked by the government in the territory that is in turmoil, no media outlet can avert the crisis unless people are listening. When the integrity of the source is in verifiable then who wants to read anyone's self indulgent COMMENT or subscribe to their micro twots?

Americans are abusing the freedom of speech. We have disgraced our first amendment by abusing our instantly gratifying SHARE options via email text blog post subscribe mini share tweeting for TWOTS.

T His may apply to the USA shortly as well.

Where the public utilities and FCC are narrowing there definitions of privacy, access, advertising based bandwidth packet switching we can only consider the source for the majority of hyperblasting on any subject and the motives of said 'tweeter' status spewer, etc. Not being a journalist I myself hear the most respected consultants on a variety of topics being challenged and twitified. imagine how frustrating it is to hear discussions on national news programs that stimulate your own sense of importance on a topic to have to question not due to normal media bias and etc reasoning but due to twits.

There are people that I respect admire and emulate who's posts I will click on with absolute confidence I will either learn something or appreciate the share.

I try to act with some self control when using social media because my thoughts and feelings on so many sensitive topics are not the business of the majority of my facebook friends.

I considering how ironic it is the my blog is most anonymous and ( I HOPE ) filtered now from viewing as a link elsewhere. I am far more comfortable expressing myself this way and recording what moves me on the web than with my ' friends'!

SOMETIMES I want to respond or share something and at this late hour still hesitate to do so. I am have such a superficial understanding of journalism but such a deep admiration for some of the work my 'friends' do that I pull my hand back from the ENTER key and focus on absorbing what was SHARED.

If I 'GET IT' I reshare, and then sigh hope for the recognition I feel they deserve to somehow be awarded to them even if it IS only in a 'nome de blogger' comment.

When I want YOU to check it out because I care about the person's group cause like etc. It HAS to mean somethign to me or someone who has touched me life.

I hope that my limited sharing will make a friend pause if they see something from me to make that exhaustive trek to another web page or TAB read hopefully a decent report or HEADLINE group or photo that moves them.

Not having had any time to respond to the HOW are you emails I apologize to the few people that might read this and that have asked, I hypocritically respond HERE that life is good today.

I am still vain, superficial, sober and impatient, and trying like HELL to find a way to convert my thoughts to text without typos and organize them, and still get the lawn mowed when I am not working.

This lack of sleep makes me reminiscent of mania, except no longer in my twenties, I lack the energy and good looks make an adventure out of the day.

2010-06-13T12:27:00.001-04:00

I hate canned food and shopping at the town dump. I am not cut out for poverty
BUT I scored at the treasure house found some good books. They are contradictory in subject and should prove educational for me.
Wisdom's Blossoms Tales of the Saints of India , Doug Glener and Sarat Komaragiri , Shamabala 2002
The Social Contract and Discourse on the Origin of INequality Jean- Jacques Rousseau
Fodor's Italian for Travelers ( cassette brand new in box) I do not want to forget All of my Italian not that I am going anywhere obviously.
And a Mill's Pride new in box kitchen layout grid, graph paper videos and such for further fantasizing.

I am sick of this sinus infection of being sick in June when I am supposed to be happy joyous and free no I am sick broke and ungrateful for it.

Furthermore stupid man's cat died and he has regressed in to a sick freak.
As predicted I paid for my car in cash and he registered it in his town in his name, presumably for insurance benefit... that would be via my fantasy world. He left a message yesterday in my father's ancient voice mail machine he would be reporting the car stolen if I went to Kathy's.
Yes the ONLY fun I may have had in a year he ruined. I absolutely hate him. I thought we had matured beyond this baby shit behavior. I told him if he reverted he would be dead to me. Now how's that for a plan. He arrives here with the gkids so I look like the cray asshole and I firmly stated my opinion and he left and the kids were subjected to more insanity. He sucks eggs

2010-06-09T07:39:00.001-04:00

I am such a DORK..... I finally went to the Antiquarian book fair after going to meet up with Joleen and the kids to watch them so she and her Dad could go get a couch, and Dana taking off I was in town and saw it... Every year I say I am going to go and never make it there. It was for book sellers and collector's of ephemera. I am not interested in the latter. A few items of interest I did see mostly from one very cool seller in Goffstown. She had an 1857 Boscawen Academy brochure. It was something I thought immediately that I would buy if I could have. It was only 10 bucks and had some children with last names that are well known to this areas history. It was located conveniently where two train lines intersected, and on the flood plain of the Merrimack River. Maybe nearby the Hannah Dustin memorial,, but I have never found any sign or foundation down there. Plus I got a kick out of the way the subjects were described in relevance to importance. This should be revisited today with the horrible scores our public schools achieve with the No Child Left Behind crap. Then a sanatorium pamphlet from 1901 England and this first paragraph said' Inebriation is a disease'. Interesting that prior to the temperance movement this in writing is here. I wondered which Dr truly should be given credit for this acknowledgment. It said 6 weeks was sufficient for restoration including walking paths a billiard table library and tea room. Sounds like heaven to me.

Tomorrow is my birthday I guarantee you I will not see a card from supposed boyfriend. I do not mind seeing so little of him to tell you the truth it was absolutely a relief he went to play poker after helping move that couch and so stimulating for me to be in a huge hockey rink full of books. I saw a Big Book supposed first edition but 1957 for 900 DOLLARS. WHaaaaat???? WOW. Seriously?

I t was not signed by Marty Mann or anyone else nothing but a book.

There were a lot of Tasha Tudor books I had not seen most were signed and posthumously not any more expensive. I found a book of ancient instruments and well not a book the binding was gone it was a stack of papers. There were some sackbutts and cornettos and harpsichords. This reminded me of some pictures that Barbara took on her trip to visit the oldest ones in Europe. If I remember that correctly. I would have purchased one of the pages but assumed it a bore without a whole book. Just what friends want, torn pages form an old book... sigh. One book 'the Flute' was ok and even gave mention to the recorder on 4 different pages in between the wooden flute where it is usually tucked in.

I wish on my birthday that my bank account was not 'you have 0.00 dollars available for spending ' until a whole week goes by.

I wish I had money to get the garden tilled. and plant some seeds.

I wish my head throat nose skin and all were not inflamed itchy infected and miserable form pollen.

I wish I had no gdamned pimples and lastly I wish I had my instrument still.

So ... wah I found it when planting seeds and the dog had found a boxwood alto record just a fantastic stick to bury in the garden, and the foot piece was in one corner after being tilled ... seriously!

I suck at my job lately because I can't breathe. I do not complain to people but I know another woman who is disgusted by the air filtration system having never once been cleaned there she had been working in it for 25 YEARS. She suffers like I do. Oh well. I cannot work any faster and I was always the highest prior on these productivity sheets. I am not made for doing digital factory line work. I need to be able to use my brain to remain engaged. I certainly do not surf the net or go to you tube at work and have worked on projects and been assigned to do so but then these numbers ... I had inquired as to how working at 104% was not adequate and the timings needed to be reviewed. I have tracking numbers I was good at it n sales when it matters. This, to me, having perfect quality scores consistently is useless. If we are not looking and make a mistake were marked off, I look to my detriment and bring up many things no one else ever noticed. I was told by management to keep doing this and now really no one gives a shit if vendors violate HIPPA laws by sloppy medical record keeping, ( btw a 60K fine)( no problem but I said hey aren't we billed per page?? If a patient's record(s) are stuck accidentally in between our applicants, we have no business reading it nevermind storing it why not address that? No one else considered if there is a server how much storage is used wastefully... I am the last to know the actual structure and set up of the scanning system.I know the outlook server fees are 130K a month so the medical storage must be nearing that. I am quite sure the writing is on the wall too as we have outsourced a small amount of work to India .. this is so obviously a trial and I expect we in house digital filers will be severed by year's end. the only way to stay is to PAY UP front ( yeah OK I can do that no problem) for LOMA course score a C or better and get reimbursed. I have no credit card now.

Fuck it My earnings have dropped by over 25% there, and I am grateful to have a job, I fear I am headed for a fryer line.

One example of many things wrong with insurance and life insurance needing to have all of this but the medical record keeping system in America is ---ed with a capital F.

Unhinged – The Trouble with Psychiatry

2010-06-05T23:47:00.001-04:00

A great show on nhpr
Book title above followed by – A Doctor’s Revelations about a Profession in Crisis
Dr. Daniel Carlet, M.D., Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at Tufts University School of Medicine, editor-in-chief of The Carlat Psychiatry Report
I listened in my car and later made this comment:

Agreed, for veteran patient or for professionals some aspects of the format may have seemed superficial. Please remember how many people have had no experience with a 'MMI". When suddenly afflicted or exposed to it in a friend, family member or coworker a listener hears the show and it is fascinating. Imagine navigating through an institution, or EAP, an HMO or lack thereof with a diagnosis that carries a stigma that isolates the one suffering. Google educated and overnight who WOULD risk death by not complying or questioning the necessity of any RX? and This is the starting point? It takes village, of competent pf's and a willing and open minded patient to navigate the system and then every available option of RX AND therapy until healing can begin and stability can be maintained. There lies the answer of the most accurate diagnosis and only then.Consider my cycle, and my life stress-ors I might meet 75% or more of numerous diagnostic criteria in an intake questioning. Involve ALL loved ones form GO, but check their motives and lifestyle.

pills drunk magnets from Zazzle.com

2010-06-04T17:27:00.001-04:00

pills drunk magnets from Zazzle.com

the picture of my magnet did not follow I apologize if this does not provide the entertainment I had hoped.

This came from Anna in my fbook feed I am restraining myself from adding a photo collage of family and friends to the magnet and ordering it

It is my AA anniversary

2010-06-02T08:55:00.002-04:00

Robert Browning

"But give them me—the mouth, the eyes, the brow—
Let them once more absorb me! One look now
Will lap me round for ever, not to pass
Out of its light, though darkness lie beyond.
Hold me but safe again within the bond
Of one immortal look! All woe that was,
Forgotten, and all terror that may be,
Defied,—no past is mine, no future! look at me!"

But not via a facebook post will my status be!

Next rant subject will include Anonymity and facebook 'fiends' of bill wilson HE IS ROLLING OIN HIS GRAVE IN VT!!!

Today I celebrate 14 years of sobriety.

It is beautiful out this morning I have one German Shepherd to the rgiht of me, one German Shepherd WOG wolf hybrid to the left of me, and I'm stuck in the middle with Dad. He is haviong coffee and I am trying to think behind my computer on a nightstand coffee table... I am so thankful and I do thank the Gos of my understanding, which is my misunderstanding for my life. The left dog is 14 now I got her shortly after the relapse and Dad was supposed to watch her for a weekend. I was going to interview then in aesthetics at a Repechage distributor in Newburyport MA. I was then still going to be a makeup artist... I remember poor Kathy and her patience and love throughout my 'outside issues'.... Today I am looking forward to seeing her next weekend her twins and eldest daughter. I have compassion today looking back for how I lived, and more for how I survived. Today I am not ever in fight flight survival behavior when making major life decisions. I am not always revealing how it really was because of shame. I lived and live with mental aberrations that I wait for this God to remove.
My opinion is I do not have to indoctrinate all of it to be authentically in recovery. I have a higher power and it is a creative process that involves my use of the spiritual appendix in our Big Book. I question my duplicity.

To simplify I believe in what I know, experience and then learn to trust. The alphabet and placement is not for me connected to any upbringing with or prior commitments to dogma or religion. It is simple love, unconditional love provided to me when the a saint would have run out of patience I was welcomed back to church basements in NYC, on the Cape, Boston, Northampton Ma, and beyond. Nowhere else on earth have I found where I always leave having heard something I needed, with total nurturing and validation for the ever present sinkhole awaiting me if I ingest said substance. A laugh at what is mental illness Axis I, times 3 or 4, and share something and be loved for it. Something happens in rooms with other drunks that assists us in not picking up the first drink drug or substitute.

Have you heard this one?

'God please help me stay away from a drink, a dink, and Twinkie for the next 24 hours'

YES I am now in my 15th year and full of character 'defects' and the like.
I have no found it necessary to :
pull my eyeleshes and eyebrows out ( longest reprieve in my life yet too... 4 months straight ty Farmville
get married
move in with a man
reproduce
move period
sabotage my entire life purposefully
emesh with sponsees
lie cheat steal

that being said

I am 14 and going to struggle still with making excuses for being slefish late for work and unavailable lately to the people that do need me....
progress not perfection is acceptable but setting my standards higher for mySELF is the goal.

I am still full of fear and lack of self worth. I will stop feeling like I missed the boat at work reading the financials of people who got educated, married and stayed that way.

Though in between you and me, I wondered why I never found that kind of man...
OH yeah because i have spent 15 years in 12 step meetings I have sobriety and nothing else was promised to me, I was desperate and near death and pursuit of more is indulgent and avoidance.

That is crap!. Yes I did not drink today.
Am I capable facing and cleaning up the recent wreckage of the AIG fallout and subsequent reduction in my income post credit? No, but I am not going to kill myself over it. Am I terrified YES.

Time to write a letter to the creditors...
I have 2 W 2's showing the abrupt change, minus 8 K bucks but still employed there... I have enough to get to and from work pay my phone and cable and that's it.
I DO want more and better but will I get to work on time to get there? At least today I am breathing yesterday the sinus issue was intensified by the smoke from Canada and the thickest layer of pollen you have ever seen .... I spent a holiday weekend half sicknot THAT is somethign I am sick and tired of being sick and tired over....

It is increasingly difficult to function like this....

my little joke

2010-05-31T19:28:00.000-04:00

What do you call a contract engaged people sign that are recovering alcoholics?

A pre NIP

heheheheh

MINE all MINE and proud of it...
Surely someone has thought of that one prior....
After any and all reasonable accommodations were provided to the relapsing spouse to get and remain well, the last one standing holds their possessions hard won in recovery until they if they are able to remain sober again.
Any pre-nip behaviors to be outlined for each and considered to be contributory to the dis-solution of the marriage.
Right out the front door you go, take the baggage with you, out the door and sober bereft one is not allowed any subsequent martyring enabling fixing helping and or whining at meetings. Nor would it be excuse for evasion of one's own program.
Can you think of anyone?

I can...
If only right????? SIGH
I am no sponsoring anyone right now and this is good as i am suddenly sans BALLS....
Since Lee died I am doubting everything I say because I am stuck between the tell it like it IS and the fuck me I am scared to lose my friend and I know I am powerless so keep listening and listening to the bullshit.....

I am so careful with my words as I naievely have never imagined a person with one foot IN and one arm out for soooo long. I cannot tell if it is like using a meeting once a week as a social club or what...

Brings me to the next existential recovery crisis of late. SO am I scared to come out as an atheist at mtgs? Am I scared to admit it out loud because it someone makes my recovery fraudulent? OR once it is spoken my higher power will realize I conned the 12 step system and I will drink? I had a dream I was drunk and hunting for drugs. This is all because My anniversary is June 2nd and it is as good a time as any to marinate in the contradictions within the big book and within myself.
There is all of this freedom in the description 'God of my own understanding'.
And yet so confining are the words ' God either SI or isn't what was our choice to be?

Can anyone else relate to this?

If you say the A you are scarlet with asshole all over, and if you do not and inside wonder how friends you admire in every single aspect of their being could take the bible literally...

ho ho ho and a

2010-04-21T07:55:00.001-04:00

Recently I noticed Dad becoming increasingly unpleasant to be around. It reminded me of before, and I attributed this to the diabetes. I sometimes bring him something to eat at night, and he also was hard to wake up on the couch. Chelsea the old wog was having accidents. She is having a harder time getting around, and I feared the worst. But, it turns out she was not getting let out. In fact he was leaving her in the truck for his lunches at CC Tomatoes. I asked him if he takes her out to pee at all before he retruns home and he said sometimes. I know he will not let her out alone if I am not home as she was a runner. She has miraculously survived being hit by the cars the fly down the road in the am here at 70 mph. I am the crazy lady who has been seen in nothing but a blanket at 5:30 in the am stoppping traffic as she saunters across the field and road and back to the driveway. She is nearly deaf and blind so I have to be the crossing guard. She is skilled at disappearing the second I am not watching and fill up my coffee. I let out both dogs when I get home now and Dad thanks me. But he also oin Easter was just horrible. FOOD is always delicious, and I had not cleaned his house yet. The last Weekend after I started I had an asthma attack which is rare for me. After wiping visible mold off off the walls, and nearly breakign my vacuum with one square foot of dog hair I had enough. I brought my mop bucket and other supplies over and he stomped , gave me an inquisition. I said FINE ok Vacuum and eat period. I will finish the rest another time. He does not believe that there is MOLD, or that it is toxic, or that I am affected by it. I am resigned to spray lysol on my ceilings. SO as I plug in the vacuum he says " HMMMm mmmm this Chiraz is just excellent!" I replied," WOW that lasted since Thanksgiv-" He SCREAMS" I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC! You say that in such an accusatory way Rebecca."I was unprepared as after 3 years I had finally aftter 35 years dropped my permanent guard and need for intense meditation before interacting with him as one needs to prepare for being terrorized. I said, " Actually Dad, I meant that as a compl-"Oh NOOO you DIDN"T!!!! " and we are back to the ogre of ole. I jsut vacuumed and was dterminedto make my point. WHY? Because I was not 'spiritually fit' I was not thinking about not going othe argument because I needed to prove there was NO argument here. I explained DAD, I did not call you and ALC+O -HAAAUUULLL-IC I observed oen bottle of wine lasted for months. For a man who had a gallon of vodka goin daily for 50+ years and self medicated with ( OOPS! there I GO!) pot 24-7 I thnk it IS most certianly I compliment that one bottle of wine lasted months. PERIOD. " OH would you just SHUT UUUPPPPP" and thent he lamb was ready.
This is mild in compariosn the when he would be drunk and pound on my doors and windows demanding money for rent when I was a wekk behind I mean I could say DAD I get paid next Friday adn be subjected to horrendous behavior. This just had nothappened for so long.Since the hospital he had not brought booze in I spent a week cleaning that house of horror, before and after work and sitting there with him. This was overlooked and NEVER discussed when I brought him home. He simply had changed and instead of discussing the 'disease concept' we had enjoyed the last 3 years here together. Thank you Hitchens and Dawkins for making him laugh wiht reading material on my shelves. I mean almost, not quite in a cooperative and harmonious manner. Only once was he sad one am abouthis hands and his incapacity. I said thanks to your good Dr your mind is intact ( I am generous to a fault) Dad, and you can HEAR, so crank up your music and appreciate it wihtout dismissing your musicianship altogether as if it never existed. And I got him going on the NY Times crossword which I am terrible at, now he brings them to the restaurant where one of my oldest friends helps him out owning the place with her husband. I am thankful when anyone is nice to him, but only if it is sincere. The spirit in him slowly was making a comeback. But lately he has become paranoid and mean again. Well Sunday while I was organizing all the crap in the breesway he keeps hundreds of paper bags from the grocery store, I saw it. Under the other glass recyclying material.

A pint? WTF? Of Captain Morgan RUM. He never drank that. O M G
And I took a long, deep inhalation. He never HID it before. WOW that lasted ... joke... I will not comment it is none of my business. And thisi what we DO. I know.
The debate of late is whether swelling in his LEGS is related to diabetes, and pizza eating. The first time I have been AFRAID was last Saturday night. His leg was HUGE and all the way up to his thigh. I suggested TEDS, way back, and dsue to medicare and part a.b c D Q confusion they will cost 89 bucks so of ocurse we cannot get them. I found a link thorugh my benefits to drugstore dot com and I could when I get paid, order them for 24.99. Now he does not want them. Too much $. sigh
I rememeber fighting with Alzheimer's residents to get these damn hose on. But they are helpful for edema His Dr asked if I had any hose, that they would do just fine. I am freaked out, trying not to look it, pulling the knee stich apart as hard as I could on my best TJMAXX work hose. I got it up the leg! And it promptly rolled down to this ankle.
He just said ( now across from me that he aced last weeks crossword. HOW? WIll SHortz' definition of CLUE is far from mine.
What is south of South America and 'SUR'? = Now I head over the the first blog that I ever followed. This is where the hlep will be for the Tuesday April 13th crossword puzzle, ( Science Times andthe Crossword are a bargain in the same paper), but Rex Parker is a god.
NEW PAGE NOW And before Dad figures out I am talking about him .

mo fo's all of em

2010-04-07T12:53:00.002-04:00

Need better profile
Seeking editing help in comments? Anyone?

I am a sober chic of Brooklyn origin, now on the wrong side of 35. Officially out to pasture sans high speed inet I practice avoidance online when not at work. This is constant from Oct to May, this year sans vehicle I took up a debaucheries ( HOLD ‘EM). I still have a lot to say but blame my numerous diagnosis for my utter inability to express my thoughts, feelings, OR OPINION BASED ON MY VERY superficial infacts coherently on subjects I need ot voice an opinion on.

Please forgive the typos, do not give up, you may extract something that will results in a laugh. I write in manic spurts that co-occur only when I am a)not in the cubicle and b)not disassociating due to the presence of Trigger #1 and Trigger Bullying FOOL #2.

Vents are in the blog 90% digital puke rooted in anger with mySELF.

SPONSORSHIP:

LADIES? In the future ( that is IF and when I am physically at a meeting not sustaining on my memory and DVR'd episodes with Dr DREW)

Thank you for leaving my life when I could not stop ‘loving, helping and patiently hangin on to the 'Bring the body and the mind will follow' soother. I am only harming you. It is enabling you, hanging on to that HORSESHIT while you continue to drink and pretend you are NOT.

AM I capable today? Mentally physically and spiritually if unable to PLEASE you or complete your request or tolerate your abuse or put up with demands today will I say NO?
Don’t ask me to sponsor you and DIE from your UNWILLINGNESS when I really will love you. Get a sponsor who’s need for you is as as long as the life expectancy of their EGO. or their no boyfriend status or their how many pigeons follow you contests)

I'm all TOUGH NOW being Omost 14 n shit

NO BULLSHIT. Unless we are related thne I have zero SENSE.
WHY? Because I refuse to develop the passive aggressive behaviors I recognize in the resentful people everywhere by their expressions and affect.
My sis gets arrested right? In a pharmacy with a fake oxy script this after a year from HELL with her disease, divorce and the consequences portrayed beautifully in the 13 yr old girl that is my heart. Raped and drunk and lost last spring and my sister resembling our schizophrenic mother in a most uncanny way because she had to ‘GO OUT’ and she ‘Deserved ‘to after all she did stay home for 10 years that was hard work! She had to go screw twenty 4 guys 80% of them 19 and older in 3 months…YEAH I had a great year meanwhile lost LOTS of OT income and surrendered my pride and joy Subaru.

WORK
Oh..and you miss coworker? I really really don't CARE if you LIKE ME!

GRATITUDE

Sober unmerged alive and dignified (when alone), loving animals and e the earth thawing slowly but surely to PLANT IN.
Grateful truly to be employed I am soooooo fortunate

LACK OF ( gratitude)
Been sick and dying of a broken heart, I cannot see Carey kids EVER. Devastated broken hearted JUST sick OVER THIS.
or any kids for that matter without car as I cannot count on my sister to bring hte kids to me after BEGGING and trying to PLAN ahead god forbid anyone sends an email re: when they will be here and not in NY.
LOVE? love love love
NOT grateful for LOSING Not grateful NOT true NOT Better ot have loved and lost
baloney
DISLIKE My approaching OLD OLD OLD age stress level destroying my appearance and lingering ocd and self harm
soon too late for kids
( OK really just noting for effect)
"RELATIONS"
Overhaul required maintenance OVERDUE orange light ON

Not terms of brainwashed regression ie: "Maybe this character defect will finally be removed by GOD?' XXOO!@# wtf when “REALLY” do the work? NO terms are ONLY per your higher power and your capacity for an open mind this means THINKING and honestly assessing everything yourSELF.

I was a human ambien for paid overworked bored therapists and a human VoHZAC for men. This is a cocktail of Viagra , sprinkle of a human growth hormone ( to fully indulge your mid life crisis while proving that your dick works and an ssri for prove you are certainly not of sound mind to make a decsion re: paying the piper and leaping without a net. Fuck you too!

categorized under PAIN LOSS lonliness and embitterment, lack of spirt or sparkle, reminder that happiness is NOT a guarantee but a choice I make for ME.

I cant choose what I do not feel.

I know this much I was HAPPY with my subaru and freedom, going to their games home cleaning cooking all of it! Loving them is EASY and it is FUN.
My SO who loves and I use this term loosely me did his best to interfer postpone interrupt impose restrict control punish haunt and berat eme for having it to give to anyone other than HIM.
GO figure.

Today it’s life on life's terms?
TERMS?? DISLIKE

not the terms of old; active addiction, or terrified and shattered unconfident girl with BPI ptsd add ocd diagnosis‘, OR .. terms I with my rescuing habit courtesy of deficient self esteem , or terms of oh oh look a black and blued body, and I am sober 5 years?? I am ( WAS) hot single no kids too and I picked YOU?? ( rinse repeat rinse repeat)

MO FO's all of 'EM

in memory

2010-03-02T14:22:00.001-05:00

Out to Pasture

Lee? If you can hear me please know that I miss you and I am soooo sad you are gone. This old email really reflects your wit and humor and keen perspective and I am so sorry that this affliction caused you so much suffering.

----- Forwarded Message ----

From: lenore Leavitt
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/northadams/obituary.aspx?n=lenore-leavitt&pid=139292998
To: Rebecca

Sent: Wed, August 15, 2007 10:25:40 AM

Subject: Re:

Becca, you are high maintenance and spoiled. You want time to yourself all the time and your new sponsee lee who is also spoiling you. You use Dana for money. He's always flipping you a few bills to help you out. How can you expect him to build you a dog house. That would take time away from his free time spent with Colby and at poker let alone the money involved. Also, it would have to be movable because if it were fenced in that would mean committment. and the washer. They are his new, big, washer and dryer bought with his money used to be by him and only him. Only he knows how to use it properly. They are quite complicated and very expensive and a person of your intellect can't handle it let alone the dog hair. Enough with mason dirt, and cat hair. Dog hair would blow the thing up. What do you think washers are for? Everyone. He's special. Dana knows what is best for you. Listen to him, obey him. He can care for you if you do. Just look at the great car he bought you. He had to downsize his new motocyle for it. Every man wants HIS woman to drive a minivan of her choice with no starter. So dear becca, be a good girlfriend and do what Dana says. If you do you just may get that 1/4quarter for Kay;s.

Rebecca wrote:

Also food is NOT love

right?

lenore Leavitt wrote:

I still don't get it, is it an ultimatum, Make talapia or else? Huge control issues. You make talapia or else we are done. A talapia dinner proves to me that you love me. If you don't get me talapia and make dinner like I said, we are done. I'm the boss. talapia or die. Dana, how about you going to about 500 meetings, talk to your sponsor and see a therapist about your issues of control,GUILT, shame and fear. What are you going to do?

exactly

You have such a nice way of saying things and putting them in perspective with the way relationships work!

lenore Leavitt wrote:

WHAT, I don't get it? Please, go cook tonight although I know that's not it. He is done, NO, Are you done? Talapia? What a baby. What I see is that you tell him the truth about what is wrong in the relationship and he gets definsive because it's true. NO doghouse, no washing, no committment, what else?

Rebecca wrote:

Apparently after the messages I left on Sunday pm Dana's response was to go by some tilapia and cook tonight

and copy myslef

JK HARRIS AD Blares on cnn.com before I get to see the MAN FLIES PLANE INTO BLD STORY

2010-02-18T14:50:00.002-05:00

AUSTIN Texas is sent via email with the link at work and upon loading............
While waiting to watch/hear the news story this JK Harris ad blared through my ears...

I cannot imagine this was done with intention this early stage of the story and the sensitive nature of the tactics.

Trichotylomania is OCD not like cutting at all

2010-02-12T02:15:00.000-05:00

my response to a cool blog I just found
I am so happy to hear that you are HAPPY and riskin IT!!! Vulnerabilty is not my strong suit. I googled sobriety and trich and found this. Im just massacred my face, and as far as I know so far, trich was not considered a self mutilating diagnostic category. Trich, is ocd, and cutters typically I thought might be bordeline or etc etc.... my point is that much like recovery the causes and conditions are all about healing and dealing. I have tried self hypnosis, and everything else under the sun. I am sober awhile (June of 96)and mid breaking of an imagined pustule;my mind, spoke to me, hey you where's my healthy 12 steppin surrenderer girl???Like when I used to dissociate years ago... I hear the healthy voice and still do it. A part of the brain lacks an off switch. I know for me that anything occupying my fingers is very helpful. Simply a distraction from engaging in this.. I have tried wearing gloves, the rubber band thing did nothing for me. Gardening is a great release for my compulsive energy too. Unfortunately it is a long cold winter. I hare when I do this to myself. But also skin picking is actually very very common in women. I was a freakin makeup artist, esthitician and chanel fragrance model for god's sake.... and there is no human power that can prevent me from doing this. The good news is one thing that WROKS for me is taking the lightbulbs out of the mirror. This results in no time a face that does not scream out MENTALLY ILL....

I know that EMDR helped me the most, and cognitive behavioral thereapy ... not so much. This for me is not triggered by a few circumstances it is simply how I process stress. The majority of my thoughts while doing this are processing things that I am angry about. My hair pulling is always worst in the winter and when I am worried about money. SO I have not had eyelashes for more than 5 months since I was 11 years old the eyebrow thing too.. all of it. But for some ODD reason on Feb on a cold late pm I have not had any urges to pull pluck whatever you call it... and have worn my mascara for weeks! When I get to do this it is better than a prozac the size of baseball let me tell ya! And I attribute this playing a certain game that involves VIRTUAL gardening.... AND since gardening is something I really love, i truly beilve it is helping me. My trich also has a cycle, it's so odd, once I feel this itch like a sty but not, i know it's starting. Onlyh twice in my life have I been able to leave the rest alone after half a lid disappearing... Fortunately my hp has allowed re-growth.

I know this is nothing I can share with many people, just my sponsor and a professional. NOt in therapy currently though...Hope I do not sound too narcissistic here about the Clinique jet black glossy.... I can cover up the damge to my epidermis like Bobbi Brown herself, so applying that wand to my lashes restores my true nature, my loving and happy self.... I hope this makes sense. I am not sure who exactly I am responding to here hopefully not exposing my innerds to NIghtline

"You hear that? The baby's name is (Tyler) CONAN"

2010-01-15T17:57:00.002-05:00

I was answering this on ino but my comment was returned as SPAM!

Here's to another Unorignal blog topic detials of my personal opine which obviously was or very close version of already posted over 5 billion times in 400 languages

LENO!!!!

Conan? "CHECK IT"S COLOR OR SOMETHING!"

Conan is a major talent but something about his preoccupation with his hair and self dulls his presence for me. I think he can be irritating when he goes off on space tangents or the like. Craig Ferguson is the MCDreamy of late night, for me. He appears to be quite adept at improv because he coul dnot fake the surpised expressions he makes after something flies out of his mouth. The show is less endowed so I think less writers and I appreciate his sarcasm about not having a live band. It is an insult to late night comedy.

Dave is authenticly himself which I respect, laughs at himself and is subtle about insulting his writers, yet still refrains from the fall ball of self flagulation ( Conan style). Kimmel is to me original and I am never tired of him.

Sorry.. So LENO for me and if it was up to me Denis Leary would replace Conan because a) much funnier and b) he should have been gracious and respectful towards Leno. He has become egomaniacal.
CONAN's monologues are like baby Tyler at the table in the Hangover...

Alan Garner: Not at the table, Carlos! ..... Alan Garner: You hear that? The baby's name is ~~Tyler~~ CONAN

Atash Yaghmaian: We Children of the Revolution

2010-01-12T14:54:00.000-05:00

Atash Yaghmaian: We Children of the Revolution

This is a great article I happened upon and now am sure to buy her book when it is published.

Newcomb: An uncomfortable truth | Indian Country Today | Opinion

2010-01-12T10:04:00.000-05:00

Newcomb: An uncomfortable truth Indian Country Today Opinion

My friend posted this article from Indian COuntry Today he is native and an attorney. He is not practicing NON-native law he works in taxation at a casino in Oklahoma.

Hi Bear! This is so interesting. I am surprised though about this part "The uncomfortable truth is that the vast majority of federal Indian law attorneys are either uninformed about this history, or else disinclined to bring up the religiously racist foundation of federal anti-Indian law and policy." Seriously as if Dartmouth avoided the subject...?
"The answer is this: Indigenous spiritual and ceremonial knowledge and practice in relation to a specific sacred place is negated by the fact that the Christian mission of subdue and dominion has been interwoven into U.S. law and policy and used against the earth-centered spiritual traditions of indigenous nations and peoples. On the covert basis of the doctrine of terra nullus promulgated by the Catholic Church, thousands of years of spiritual and ceremonial evolution are being rendered null and void by the courts of the United States, such as in the case of San Francisco Peaks.In this case, the term nullus refers to “heathens, pagans, infidels, or unbaptized people.” When a land (terra) is inhabited by non-Christians (those who have never been baptized – and who are therefore not subject to the jurisdiction of the pope and of the Roman Church – the entire way of life and, indeed, the people themselves are conceptualized as being null and void, and incapable of standing against the Christian monarch’s presumed authority.The uncomfortable truth is that the vast majority of federal Indian law attorneys are either uninformed about this history, or else disinclined to bring up the religiously racist foundation of federal anti-Indian law and policy."
any thoughts?

Vermont artist Stephen Huneck dead | burlingtonfreepress.com | The Burlington Free Press

2010-01-09T11:06:00.000-05:00

Vermont artist Stephen Huneck dead burlingtonfreepress.com The Burlington Free Press

This is vey very sad news I am going ot try to find some photographs of the dog chapel and honor his memory here. I will post them after I clean today

Whale Wars: How was the Sea Shepherd's new ship sunk? / The Christian Science Monitor - CSMonitor.com

2010-01-08T08:34:00.000-05:00

Whale Wars: How was the Sea Shepherd's new ship sunk? / The Christian Science Monitor - CSMonitor.com

I hope they are brought to trial and fined for their illegal whaling and damages for the trimaran.

Drugs May Aid Only Severe Depression, Analysis Says - NYTimes.com

2010-01-06T22:46:00.004-05:00

Drugs May Aid Only Severe Depression, Analysis Says - NYTimes.com

HUH... How can this be useful if the details of the trial are not provided? How can this represent moderate depression accurately when the root cause is not identified? Was the moderate depressive 'moderate' due to self medication? Or the emotional symptoms perhaps still partially repressed if ptsd related? What if it is situational? What if the brain actually would repsond to a different drug? As far as I know there are groups of ssri's and may effect people's brains differently. What if any experience had the people who took placebo's and the actual drug in understanding the relationship between thouhgts and emotions? Behaviors learned or genetically pre-disposed may account for this moderate 'moderate' depression and the depth of suffering may not have been fully realized by then? What if their environment might have contributed to this condition and who diagnosed this group with moderate depression? How can you measure and determine brain response to a drug if other coping skills are not being learned? If a person ingests an ssri can their perception of their level of happiness actually change if circumstances do not? What if they lack social connection, family, LOVE? What are people attached to REALLY?
Suffering!
Why are some people able to shine after horrific tragedies deep infinite pain and the knowledge that life is a gift every moment of it and to LOVE.... LOVE LOVE...
If one feels lonely when they have loving healthy children in their home and focus on the missing 'relationship'? The romantic love will make me happy....My happiness level peaks when I feel connected to people that I love. Period.
I have so much to learn about how to love. I do not want to be alone but I also see no reason to commit if you are not feeling that soulmate bond that inspired magical passion?
I question my capacity to ever form this belief, confidence that a marraige, a live in partner will complete me.
Happiness is fleeting but also a product of our committment to growth.
First ... here comes my AA upbrining ... Honesty with self ( and sponsor) Willingness ( to walk through the pain, heal and deal and pass it ON, and openmindedness ( higher pwoer/love whatever it is for you)
I admit, I was happier when I had enough money to adequately meet my responsibilities, when I liked my job more, when I was more in love, when I was prettier and when I felt more hope for the future, or at least saw that I could be successful in something.
I was more optimistic and a prozac the size of a baseball will not do that for me. Setraline, however, does control some of the symptoms that sucked the life out of me for years.
You try getting out the door with ocd and add.... it only wqorks if you forget what you wre obsessing about!
But no for me it is a compulsion, self destructive, to re-create trauma and maintain my FUCK UP late for work chaotic state I guess I am still comfortable in. Another way of disociating but far better than years ago when I lost hours at a time.

I need PEOPLE, my dog, family, ( sobreity obviously) mental health, music,exercise, health food, exposure to places or things ideas that engage my mind, all my hobbies, and children and I do not care if I ever have my own!

THis is what I have learned about my happiness and antidepressants after spending a horrific adolescence and early adulthood self medicating.
I sought help after gettng sober, and after making some 'poor choices' and then absolving myslef of responsibility because I gave ( or hid behind) my power in these little letters, all of them, my identity became them and my self worth 'developmentally delayed'

Most of the time I see the humor in all of this...
Articles like this, the drug companies, studies, lobbyists, and our failed mental health system, and my unaccomplished but moderately happy sober life, frustrating relationship, and my gratitude for all of it.
Thursday 1/07/10
Please do not comment to advertise or promote anything on here. I cannot see your profile and cannot access your link. Rehab was not my topic nor the nyt article I was talkignabout happiness and ssri's and long after detox/recovery, like at least 12 - 24 months of time and the brain thereafter.

Japanese Whalers Ram Sea Shepherd Ship Ady Gil : Indybay

2010-01-06T07:38:00.000-05:00

Japanese Whalers Ram Sea Shepherd Ship Ady Gil : Indybay

"Six crewmembers Rescued by the Sea Shepherd Ship Bob Barker In an unprovoked attack captured on film, the Japanese security ship Shonan Maru No. 2 deliberately rammed and caused catastrophic damage to the Sea Shepherd catamaran Ady Gil. Six crew crewmembers, four from New Zealand, one from Australia, and one from the Netherlands were immediately rescued by the crew of the Sea Shepherd ship Bob Barker. None of the crew Ady Gil crew were injured. The Ady Gil is believed to be sinking and chances of salvage are very grim. "

CLICK CLICK CLICK

2010-01-05T11:26:00.006-05:00

http://salsamixes.com/reydavilainterview.php

I cannot find a way to email you again +but this blog and site is lookin GOOOOOD!!!!

This is a great blog site ofr lovers of latin music and a review of my dad and godfather's record from the 70's....
http://salsamixes.com/index.php

Improve Our Conscious Contact: Learning to walk a Spiritual Path

2010-01-01T18:05:00.006-05:00

Improve Our Conscious Contact: Learning to walk a Spiritual Path

I just read this! This is what I was talking about!

Today I was still beaming with happiness from being with people that I love last night. And that LOVE IS ( or ISN'T) like god in the big book. AND I was trying to find words for my own committment to spiritual growth acknowleding that I need help from my higher power to be more convincing of the EMOTIONS and THOUGHTS I have throughout the day for others in my actions.

Dancing with Camels

2010-01-01T15:10:00.005-05:00

Beats Times Square well NYC sober dances are another universe entirely.
And
The New Year's Eve dance for our district was the usual oxymoron sober dance and though attendance has been down over the years I am always moved by a speaker who might not have had me at hello but byt the end I am really I mean REALLY listening. Naturally I became distracted by all of kids there I never made it over to thank him. All night long I was grateful for my recovery and prooud of my community for making a SAFE and FUN place for families to go on this holiday. The text I received at work asking if she and COlby could come was a shock and delight. I got to play with Haleigh too while getting ready. Dana cooked everything from scratch and the dj was
different...( Karaoke with a chihuahua) All Night I could not WAIT to see Bob and the kids and was about in tears wehn they finanly arrived. Braids and makeup and even Alyssa another connection thorugh my sister and family who I adore was there. I think that she looks like Drew Barrymore. Colby ran and played with a friend's kids who's first clean and sober New Year's appeared to be a success. That is what makes me happy. Feeling inspired and that I may not be able to handle organized religion but the 12 steps have brought me PEACE and joy in my heart that Iam striving to develop into a true ability to love others.and the Love Love love and my prayers include helping another drunk if I Am caught up in selfishness. I am so blessed to have been present for this, and not so sad about my neice and nephew being in NY that I miss out on a 'whole new freedom and happiness'
I got chewed out by my depressed sponsor who is strugglinf with her i call adult parents of alcoholic stuff. I failed her and everybody in many ways this season. I most work days am so drained by the time I am home and have filled my heater, fed and walked my dog, cooked something and checked on my father am too BEAT to talk. I am normally the forst one with my holiday cards out and the best about calling. I can actually THINK about how I am going to do this tasks and how much I miss her and others hourly while in my cubicle and noone KNOWS this because my actions do not represent the love I have in my heart. OKAY well ...I am all ' constant thought of others' and yet seem to hurt people that deprend on me.
I REALLY need to work on this and ask my higher power/slef/ god/love/dog what have you for some help. SEe this AWESOME lick here regarding spiritual growth and people who worship and poeple who are buddhist or native it is all here:
http://improveourconsciouscontact.blogspot.com/
My favorite spiritual mini book is God is Within You Paramahasa Yogananda.
If I did not have the people in my life like VIctoria I am not sure I Would behere today. I worry about when she dies how I will live. Who will REALLY understand me and who will make me laugh the way she does and who will love books and the Strand in NY like we did together. Who will GET her daughter like she does and I do but be close enough to keep her HONEST.

My life is so EMPTY without being there and being part of their soccer softball chores and even hoemwork. I am just so head over heels for those Carey kids and I just wish I had my car and I wish my boyfriend was not so jealous and threatened by this fact because I NEED them. And I am soo happy a new DECADE started and I got to be with them, all...
NOw I have a head cold and sore throat and am staying in BED to celebrate January 1st 2010 and perhaps have some lasagne leftovers later if Dana comes by after the meeting.
Does anyone else want to admit to full on depression after watching Dick Clark?
The kids all had a BALL observing me dancing...Apparently I dance like a penguin, and well This is fitting for an auidition on So You Think you Can Dance. To thinkn I once was told I must be a professional deancer after dancelike classes on the Cape. Nope I cannot even get the macarena down...
Latin dance should be in my blood...........
STOP the Delusions of Granduer please!

twenty four little hours yah. I AM pissed!

2009-12-29T22:29:00.005-05:00

Lacking in AWE I am! I was once was all 'Aglow' just beaming confidence in that mystical force combined with the 12 step transformation that has kept me sober and eager to help anyone needing it. The miracle of my existence for a 'mere twenty four little hours' (Cole Porter I believe originally coined that one)without ingesting narcotics or vodka was enough to feed the infinite sense of gratitude necessary for to NOT INGEST IT. This has recently eluded me after a reading at a regular Big Book meeting of the Family Afterward chapter. It is one contradiuction after another in what sounds like an archive of early cell division in the nuclear family. I was not blocking the sunlight of the spirit with the editing voices in my head, it was not about the structure it was about the story. I was NOT suffering from arrogance, nor blacking out GOD 43 times a page with my sharpie. The last 3 attempts at this group have left more befuddled than I was at 3 am when geriatric bartender no longer wanted to have sex with me. My good brain said STOP the criticism and open to the concepts above these words. Well sorry I just cannot do it. I mean family afterward applies to me and most people men and women I know as much as sentiment in a Hallamrk does for my FAMILY of origin. I do not NEED to replace GOD with Higher power and HE with SHe and ad nauseum to get a message. I have cared little about that REALLY! I care about the change that happenes when I am inspired after reading about people I could know. I cannot tolerate regurgiationg the same sections weekly monthly annually with little time for sharing. Perhaps the fact the the state prison and state hospital provide 75% of our attendess in this sad state capitol that I live, But no that scapegoat is the only HEART I see lately. A share coming for the newly released prisoner who has no idea how to survive outside or the person who's Dr finally discovered that thorzine not prozac was all they needed to get off the locked for life ward and give it a go out here. I laugh and cry with THEM, I love them. It is my UBER Responsible boyfriend that drives me nuts and others like him. The share is often some display regarding his adherence to values unknown prior to sobreity. The heroe of everyday life at last, and he IS. And him always about family. Before I vent also he is the one who gets the rent ot the church and cleans and opens it and DOES the wrok maintain the UNITY in AA. He is the MAN for that! He does not bicker over traditions unless really pushed, and he IS a hero for His family. Although I am though proud of the AA'er and Dad he is, I foundthe reading and his sharewel ....hard to swallow. You see He refused to eat dinner here with my father and I on Christmas. Our future is a joke and I gave the ring back a couple of months ago but what the hell it's CHristmas. He is physically present consistently daily and drives me home from work, cooks, shares food with DAD loves and cares for the sog, and even got me a kerosene heater as an early prtesent. SEE? CAring? Then cruel hypocrisy the man that I see come out when conservative gdamned fox news is snuck on while I am on facebook. Suddenly I realize the man boasting about parenthood and being a GRANDfather at well far too young, ( I am a K9 Mommy) tried to blame ME for the fact I spent the dinner hour next door with DAD and the rest of the day alone. I normally would REVEL in some space was so clinically alcoholic all day that for the first time in MANY MANY years I smelled that wine, and with PAUSE. And though this was aborted before a full craving developed, I realized that It is OK.
I Remember today after a far too long day at work that I am a drunk and an addict and despite what the fuck the big book says in THAT chapter the rest of it educated me on this fact, and that I Most certianly DO need help from something OUTside of ME. Definition so UNnecessary for not taking the first drink or snort or whatever it is you do to excess that hurts you and everyone that loves you.
I most certainly DID follow the advice in the perfectly aniquarian chapter and had myself a GRAZE BINGE fest lonely aisle after lonely aisle in an empty office building strewn with brownie pans cookie sheets and dunkin donut boxes,
all the while looking forward to the spread sure ot be ready at the meeting. YEAH fuck you Dan and for reming me I MIGHT GET a FAT ass (SOMEday again) and your bastardness on holidays when it was not your way.
My ass STILL AINT fat and I grew all my facial hair ( yes neurotic OCS girl disguised for awhile as an esthtician and makeup artist. I work very hard to maintain a low level of anxiety even while I sleep to succeed at ensuring my ass looks good for ME.
perfect a.....(local favorite).. the.............
Segway ......( MALL COP old but HILARIOUS)

New Year's Resolutions:
Yeah Ummmmmmmmmmm
Ask an alchy about THOSE. ASk one who people who COMMITTED and I mean DAILY 'I am never going to drink again' who called out to work only to get caught on the barstoolagain bc they ran out of coke, the concept of a resolution has about as much weight as ... my nice little over 35 unamrriedbut still I hear FINE ass
Instead of resolutions I prefer I WISH's
They go like this for me
I wish I _____. took that picture wrote that great blog entry, did something for someone else today and NEVER told a soul, had the knitting done for the holiday ON TIME, saved MONEY for gifts, .
This continues on until it ends with a list of said FRIENDS and or former friends who are published authors, accomplished people, parents, photogrpahers, nurses, educators, FIREFIGHTERS, on and on up to and including actual academy award winning writers to grossly famous actors or dancers or actors, even renowned poker players,models, restauranters, ( ny money luanderer I screwed for months and thought we would MARRY eventually)and other self pitying drivel. This list EXCLUDING any actual GOAL or intention to make a plan of action really just anyone I once knew NOT living one day a time doing the time in the cubicle with hand me down clothes. This from the girl who quit Tiffany and CO. on Fifth Ave and gigs as an extra (I was sooo MAKING IT!!!)because consumer-ISM disgusted her?? I never needed any of that shit. I came back to NH to be an AUNT and to live off the land (jk)SO why the long face? AUNT? SIssy got arrested for a fake oxy script, kids are ironically in NYC. LAND? Well land is great, but I cannot use my tractor from Farmville to make us of it. And My reant pays taxes for Dad while the actual structure falls further apart every rain wind or artic temp spell we get. AWESOME. Oh so Why TEARS On Christmas EVE? I would have really just liked the man who's __ I Put in my mouth to have made me a card and eaten some roast beef with the Dad who has noone else left, and afterward shown up together for the Alcathon.
I just want to say that this attitude bitch boy cold shoulder trip was soo NOT what JESUS would have DONE. ( Could NOT resist)
He can go on his merry Miserly way and justify shunning the ATHEISTS and I will NOT believe what I do not WaNT to believe, and he can go on believeing what HE wants ot believe via Hannity and Colmes.

Next TOPIC? Proof positive I AM insane, in case i did not believe the team of DR's loe those many years ago.
I will postcell pics I cannot bear to call them PHOTOS, of his family at his parents with all of their grandkids for their annual gathering. By the way his Mother included me the FIRST year and every year after in a way that means soo much to me, not because I got a yankee canlde too, but because it was teh same for everyone and she writes me name on the bag, and I cannot tell you how much FUN a HUGE family is! WHO KNEW??? One point the herd of elephants was thunderously bounding up the wooden stairs to the kitchen and all of the adults said HEY SLOW DOWN NOOO RUNNING and who's bringing up the rear LEAPING to skip the last three steps yoga stretching my legs and arms in a futile effort to TAG the little RUG RATS hollering "You're sooooo IT!"
I love kids WOW they are the source of love and healing in my life even though I did not get to see Alexandra and George or Maggie Cassie and Liam that day I missed nothing like a 20 month girl who can barely say your name asking for YOU ALL DAY LONG. BeehhhhhKAH" repeat repeat repeat arms UP to my hips UPPP eeeee
Far better than a baseball sized prozac......and that was the momet of clarity I needed. Suddenly I am all 'Blessed' again

thanks if nayone reads this for tolerating my exhuastion and poor typin and poor editing free spazz on here, it was a very necessary cathartic post required for me to sleep tonight

Comment RE: Op-Ed Columnist - Tiger Woods, Person of the Year - NYTimes.com

2009-12-20T17:25:00.000-05:00

I hope this is acceptable to link to Frank Rich's column but I must say in addtion ot this
Ask Ashley????
Ashley Dupre pens a sex column for the NYPost and or otherwise paid for her words of wisdom on Fox news?
What a travesty for journalism.

Op-Ed Columnist - Tiger Woods, Person of the Year - NYTimes.com

Out to Pasture

Purling grannies are never hurling their stiches about?

2009-12-12T12:09:00.015-05:00

The holidays( i.e lack of funds) inspired me to take out and dust off my STASH of favorite yarns. I looked at the starts of old attempts only to plunge back into frustration. Why are knitting grannies never cursing, stomping, rocking with force, or hurling their purling and needles about?Why is it that my brain short circuits with patterns?
Why can't I be an apprentice to a knitting granny who's production output astonishes all who observe her?
Is anyone else sick of ripping out their sacred yarns so many times that they look like they came from a salvation army grab bag? I can always present frayed scarves as Rebecca's GREEN ECO-FRIENDLY KNITS USING ONLY 100% RECYCLED YARNS?
Well... I wanted to have a knitting party this weekend. I just am sans friends and their kids but at least catching a wifi signal. I am perusing the blog sphere for inspiring sites and pictures. The kinds that make me believe if only for one day that I will be successful making such.
Like everything else in my life acquired an insatiable passion for hand made fibers, alpaca wool, hand dyed 'organic' cotton yarn etc. So If anything I can spin all of the dog hair someday. And not having had a grandmother myself to teach me knit purl sew quilt etc is NO excuse I have friends in my life a knitting MUM and an inspiring Saori Weaver who helped me wind my first TON of hand dyed wool.
Maybe I need to believe..tis the season eh?
and this is soooo cool Moritomo Gallery in NH she makes amazing threads

From knittingOM

Interesting links

http://www.neauveau.com/recycledyarn.html

OF the Times had to get in on the CHICness
http://runway.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/12/04/how-to-spend-200000-knits/http://runway.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/12/04/how-to-spend-200000-knits/

http://transitionculture.org/
MY first scarf pictured here...

How to Make Money on Etsy | Brokelyn

2009-12-06T11:38:00.000-05:00

How to Make Money on Etsy Brokelyn

http://www.etsywiki.com/index.php?title=Main_Page

I am posting a couple of links for all of my talented friends who dream of acheiving solvency and fulfillment selling their hand made work.
There are a few friends of mine, my knitting MUM for one, that may never be interested in anthing but local craft fairs no computer required and that is completely understandable. I cannot believe the talent I have even around me physically in NH, and am convinved their products would compete in the NY market.

2009-12-05T23:17:00.006-05:00

Little collage for the first snow of the year.....an ACTUAL snow pic coming soon

FLU FLU FLU

2009-12-02T21:51:00.002-05:00

Been ill with the FLU I slept for two DAYS luckily over the weekend and did not have to miss any work.
I had not had a stomach and body flu since... EVER since they were self inflicted! What a BABY I am!
Cannot believe I used to suffer through that as often as I did. I spoke at the Phoenix house last night and it was great. Guess I needed to because I did go ON and ON. I am sure it boosted my immunity.
ha

King LEAR? King Fear? King can no longer Hear? or King Far too Near

2009-11-13T23:08:00.003-05:00

King LEAR? King Fear? King can no longer Hear? or King Far too Near?

OH DEAAAAAAAAAAAAAR.

(Thank you for your kinds and shocking words Kirsten).

Can you hear my Dad with his “OH DEAR” sarcasm when we dared suggest he pay attention to the road? He was mime conducting to Mahler’s the Planets blaring thorugh NHPR flying up Rt 83? Can you smell the Maui-Wowee as we ponder how wonderful it would be if our parents married? Then we live in Nailopolis(h) silent H every single day. We would get to ride to wherever I go to school, TOGETHER, and NEVER MISS an SnM at UU church again. During the silent meditation staring down at our hands in our laps, trying with all of the self control 12 year old girls can muster not to burst out giggling.
How you ever found me strong or were inspired in times of adversity is a mystery. A vodka catalyst with coked turbo boosts appeared as strength then you were fooled. Inside I lived in fear, the kind that has taken years of sobriety, therapy and hard work to overcome. Five years for the wide eyes to to resemble the almod shape I was born with, and longer to reflect a spirit I never knew that feels hope and joy even peace. Yet somehow I feel defeated and depleted of any grace acquired. Not to belabor the obvious but I am struggling financially. I have not allowed this to completely destroy any (however fragmented) self worth I have worked for 13 years to acquire because it is also beyond my control today. Last night I had an experience with my father that for the first time in years, made me question my presence in his life. When we moved to NH the road that we live on was an unpaved road. You know what they say about the road to hell. Good intentions supported by my motives of caring for an aging father. This was an actual commitment to the values that were uncovered I had not previously known.
The ride home last night was a denial shattering glimpse into an emotional entanglement that left me doubting I had developed at all since adolescence.
　
Last night I called everyone I knew to request a ride home, Dan was out of town and well, long story short my Dad was like crimson spitting in anger top of his lungs saying things like
‘ you are SUCH a screw up I am so sick of youuuuuu don’t EVER ask me for a ride again EVER, ( hten the new 5.00 ride) I asked how there was 100% inflation in gas prices in 4 days?
He screamed. “You’re a dead beeeeeat dead beat!!!!!!!!!!!IA complete loser, how it is not his problem any of it, and
( insert) I have been paying 100 more monthly of kindness from when I made more at Fidelity, this never returned to the original agreement when I was unemployment and subsequent hiring here.
I asked. " what were you actually doing? When I called had you did not SCREAMED and hung up you would have heard me say You can come in an hour. But instead you in a rage jumped this vehicle faster than if I was in the hospital Guaranteed".
He said he was never so Inconvenienced. I said,
( side note I bought him Al Gore’s book for his birthday last yr)
And You’ll like this one:
The Inconvenient truth is that you never took one grandkid overnight since they were born. You could not possible know what being inconvenienced is today.
He said he just went bananas
Picture me in the old moldy truck with bald tires him screeching around Exit 17, and me questioning my very reason for living. I said, “Dad, next time you have Congestive heart failure don’t call me for a ride! Is that a LOVING thing to say Dad?”
He said, “Well, I do not ever plan to BE hospitalized and SCREW YOU”
I replied, “ No one plans it. How about you can clean your house, do your wash, and maintain the ‘grounds’ of this white elephant, remove the trash wash the recyclables, trash and get your own dog in at night.
Which I never ever uttered because I do not believe in arguing with a sick person. Until I lacked any self restraint at all and let it All out. Biting my tongue quite a LOT. He ended with “ well I do not care if you FREEZE to death.”
No more words were said, we parted to our respective residences.
Seven o’clock sharp this morning I heard the slamming door of his house, the opening of my apartment door the grumbling over my clothes near the steps, “Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh plenty of coffee!”
　

Customer Service MIRACLE

2009-11-09T18:43:00.003-05:00

Date: Mon, Nov 9, 2009 at 6:36 PMSubject: Re: Account Payout Requested - UltimateBetTo: cashier-b@cs.ultimatebet.com
Thank you!!!!!!!!!
I am stunned right now. I just hung up from a phone call with a customer service representative. I did not write down his the name....I would like to commend him for providing extraordinary customer support. .
Diana she was great and provided follow up initially providing me with trust and confidence and empathy.
I will call him HE.
He spoke well, listened, clarified my exact reason for calling, confirmed this and asked if I woul d be willing to hold. He was sincere, and also checked in which is helpful if a customer needs reassuraance or needs to be de-escalated.
Please note I did not once ask for a manager and or yell, berate, and or insult the business, site or any employees. I think wehn people are dealing with money this can happen sometimes.
The error have been due to a systems and or interdepartmental processing disconnect. Do you currently have a process improvement group (ie Six Sigma; the GE, Toyota, buzz words for 'executive level compenstion pro's' ) and subsequent profitability philosophy or training for it? It is about 6 layers deep of the suggestion box really just with metrics data supporting every actual improvement implemented done of course after a full cost benefit analysis. I know superficially form my years in customer service a few things superfically. I am NOT an executive and you can confirm that easily by my deposit amounts and depleted bankroll at your site.
However
One, checks DO get lost in the mail.
Two, normally ( 100 % of the time at Fidelity where I di dHR and Payroll for BAnk of America no less, , an ACH confirmation must come prior to any check re-issues and the process can be 7-10 business days. I have never once seen an exception, not for a 7 bucks an hr teller single mom or a 350k annually plus bonused exec. UNTIL TODAY.
in brief, I was sent a live check via Us ( origin Canada perhaps OR USVI) NOt sure, on Oct 1st.

I was optimistic and patient and did not inquire on the status until the end of October. My emails were responded to promptly, and a representative provided an exception for me to re-issue and send via Western Union as soon as it was processed. ( 7-10 business days). Well I having developed a little compulsion natrually asked to add 75 more dollars to my account and sned the balance. YAY I vowed never to spend another rainy broke destitute weekend playing free rolls as long as I lived. I, still euphoric and in ( my fault not UB's), based my bill paying on this pending arrival and blew my real money online. I, also, dumped my boyfriend for saying I would never win anything , and proceeded to do so, ( losses far more but I am learning) DUH. Yes I am reading your blogs and bankroll/limit educational material now, but in the meantime I have accupied myslef this way. I happen to be in rcovery, and I am not substituting really..) I was able to actually empower myslef ( so I thought) after I earned this money I was subjected to another round of verbal abuse and I said hit the ROAD. ( The cards up my sleeve being I will make something and I did, either way I will not tolerate he and my FATHER insulting me as they LOVe when I give them my paycheck ( DAD) and well he just is cheap in general and never helps me) period from any man.
Especially one who made it to a final tbl ( small one) at WPT in Foxwoods last week. Oh yes the exceptional customer service?
I dismissed the sexist idiot, and waited. And waited.Got payroll, ( take home these dyas bi-weekely???? 700! Used to make over 40K. TTelcom mess etc lowly peon now at a major Life insurer. I paid out my DAD who is financially dependent on ME. I held my breath in the days, and weeks follwoing about my car payment.

I yes poor me, was home all last weekend broke no FOOD no HEAT , and no CAR. that did not take long. No MAN.
You get my point right?

My grilfriends delivered food to me. I said I need cigarettes.
My dad charged me for a ride to work. I said can I clean your house adn wash your clothes now too?
My xMAn apologized and insulted me again.
I said BITE me. And continued 'practicing' is what I call my losing.
My money is COMING I say to myself, I will ahve to call tomorrow and ask though I hate to bother them. ( Lost more money and was dismissed by tech support AGAIn when 15 bucks really would have kept me from pulling hair out btw)
I just keep telling myslef.
I WILL be successful at this, eventually.
2500 tournement or .25 it does not matter because I am learning. And I will never play live because I swear to god the last time I went to Foxwoods ( WIth the bitchboy and chauvanistically was laughed at suggesting I might learn someday) and came down with H1N1.

K , So home alone dark cold hungry and car gets towed off now I am freakin. Diana, calls me back at work, offers to send the WU $, I am elated and thankful.

KNowing cold dark hungry for one week more OK.. Its cool. And they were charging me only 5 bucks.
And wait for the email and just go get it it will have all of the details. Confident this is a FACT
I continue to blow the last of my paycheck on UB.
Why? Because I HAVE to make this work.
So Fri afternoon or Sat I get an email saying it was sent inthe MAIL.
Cell phone also off mow= NO inet NO POKER quelle HORROR, and... worse No Inner strength.
Did I mention I was SICK and aslo needed medicine last week?
SO I am now just freaked, and ermail back attaching all priors... Diance always emailed promptly? NO response, 3 days...?
Email again today? NO response...
The auto email has an 800 # ( this being to CANcel payout and spend it all back there.
NO CAN DO.
I wish. BUT I call and speak with HE who....
Cared, listened, confirmed my reason for caling, Asked to place me on hold, checked in, ( which I never worry about) and said he was askign a manger to review this.

He 'took ownership', he spoke to me like I was human, ( tech support???? NOT so much)
He empathized and made me believe the 00# auto answer message was true, they are commited to taking caer of their customers.

HOW did he do this when I am just in a disaster and feeling like I may hvae been scammed. I know this is NOT true, but I bet irate people harass these poor reps all of the time with that.
He really did feel sorry this happened. I was convinced it was going to be another 2 weeks, and was pretty depressed and scared.

By the time I hugn up and checked my email?

The western UNION email verification was there, and I should have money withn a couple of DAYS.
(this should have been done the first time when I mentioned I was HUNGRY)
Not my point this representative should be paid 100 times his current salary because I am going to keep spending 100 times my current salary at your site because of him.

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry for lack of editing but I am at work and my RIDE is here..no inet to edit with at home temporarily

Thanks
GREENEYESNH

TILT on UB

2009-10-31T16:06:00.013-04:00

Tilting

For the last month I have lost lost lost. Luckily I play low low micro stakes but I am still waiting for the check form my first big ( ish) win. The other winnings I re-invested, and well now tilted jilted adn broke. The site is processing a stop pay re-issue, this of course takes another 5-7 days. The payout was requested Oct 1st. Yes today is Halloween, therefore 30 days later I sit. Home no gas food or credits back at least to occupy myself adn prevrent me from pulling out my eyelashes.
I counted on thne 600 to pay the cell phone car etc and get me through till next week, I allotted a full two weeks and was patient. NOw thouhg I am DOWN on Ultimate Bet. Doen because they offered to restore all the money to my acccount. I replied, " Please do not further encourage me as i ma on a bad losing streak here." Funny how that coul dbe accomplished far faster than the stop pay request. I know from work experience at Fidelity the process, adn that it is notthe istes fault the check was lost en route or that I am not getting the cards.
I just feel like SHIT and after dismissing bitch boy, I am quite befuddled.
did I mention he made the final table at Foxwoods last week, won 1800 and he is sooo cheap with me? Maybe if I am cheap I will get better luck in my game

This is why I absolutely despise him.

Dad said and other morning shit

2009-10-26T08:08:00.002-04:00

The mercury levels in loon eggs are causing the eggs to be msaller, and the mothers o longer carry their babies on their backs to teach them to swim.
Where's Chelsea??? ( this als falls under just got home frome work shit my Dad hollers.
It is a balmy 50 degress in my apt. He has his coffee and sits across form my couch while I wake up and finds my tiny electric heater and takes it retreating ot his house with my coffee. ( And most of my income last Friday.)
Par for the course.
UGH

Did you forget that I am NOT WEAK?

2009-10-11T12:51:00.004-04:00

Out to Pasture
fter a shit storm last night of Dana and Dad abusing me verbally and terrorizing me I have really had ENOUGH. I have no ability to deman respect unless the both of them are getting my paycheck. I want to leave here and free myszelf. Why did I EVER come back here. I wish I stayed in NY and noone could control and manipulate me. But Nooo thought I would have a dog and garden and some PEACE. Kep this rotted old house for DAD by paying the taxes ( is what it comes out to)and get to live alone, and help him out. Not going ot be a MARTYR here but I DO and have done A LOT for him. NOPE sorry you are subjected to taunting ridiculing berating put downs and yelling slamming doors and you are tortured and terroized MORE when you make a stand, fight back and or then lock OUT hang UP avoid etc... They want you WEAK unless your strength directly benefits them
.I was pushed last night so muych that after 5 years of it I fought back I pounded him in the arm said I was calling the police I have had ENOUGH and he took my phone, continued threatening he would SMASH my computer too, etc while I was irate crying up all night by the way ALL broken out he was taking PICTURED og my freak out saying how ( THE usual) MENTALLY FUCKING ILL I am etc...I grabbed and threw it on the floor and he lunged at mean I side kicked him right in the leg and puch him as hard as I could and said get OUT of my room NOW. I aksed you for an hour and let me finish what I am DOING. I asked you to stop and you not only continued as usual but went and GOT MY DAD over to beat me verbally together in this 2 room apt.....
OVER 150.00 being days 3 days late for my DAD.
So he can go the the bar overeat and have his booze. DAna helped me pay ONE bill and I owe him roughly 70.00
YUP
I am SICK of being picked on buullied and used by the people that are supposed to love me.
I now understand why dad's mother killed herself, sometimes you have nowhere to go.

Speedboat accident at Lake Winnepesauke

2009-10-07T14:29:00.010-04:00

Click on title

Three people were injured last night (Oct 6)when the driver of a speedboat failed to see the rocks in front of them The area of the lake, Treasue Island has buoys and the boat driver was disoriented. A passenger was severely injured with half of his face xhatterd, the woman Cynthia ( my sister) ___, the driver and a third passenger were catapulted from the boat at impact.Though she had none life threatening internal injuries, her bruises and kidney and liver were bruised.

She said that after the boat stopped she was calling the passengers names in an eerie silence and noone responded. She was terrified she was the only one alive or conscious. She felt blood all over her face arms and neck. Onto rocks in pitch darkness, she pisctured the new zombie movie trailers. I am not sure what words were exchanged but her friend, was still on the phone and coaching her to tell the driver they all needed medical attention. She called her boss as he tried to grab her cell phone away from her. I am not exactly sure why. But knowing her her, ( like myself) fear is the dominant instinct when something happens or you are ill, thoughts are ' crap I am definetely going to be out of work tomorrow'. She told him what was happening and said, "I m calling 911"the boat driver was awake suddenly yelling 'NOOOOO you are FINE s and so is HE ( her friend) and "NO need for THAT" and began to push them out and off of the boat.
You know my sister works in a large dealership that has automatic incomong and outgoing call recording.

Isn't that beautiful?

Amid the controversy about drunk boating and fatalities on Lake Winnepesaukee you would think one would not get into a speed boat with a drinking driver. She was drinking as well. It is legal sure but a few years ago someone was killed same exact scenario and location and it got media attention becase the driver is a somebody. I cannot access the site with the facts right now, my internet is too slow at home.

One would THINK she would run when told a RX was 'real' and she just needed to purchase it for a fee for her boyfriend.
Will it EVER end?
Jails Institutions and death as we say in the 'halls'.
Naturally I asked if he will be charged with a DUI and she replies, " NOONE KNOWS" I asked where she was she said, " at Ronnie's resting." "Yeah I need to rest, 'WE' need to rest.

Thease are just more consequences suffered by everyone's total lack of accountability, responsibilty and respect for the effects of alcohol.

Does that include thinking about how you got there, and you cannot blame the outcome on anyone but yourself for making the choice to 'party' and ride on a speedboat with 'freinds'. In one conversation it was I hardly know this couple? When I reminder her she chose to ride with strangers she said NOOO I've know them for years. I said ever been to their home? Silence.

Oh BAR firends, I understand completely.

I get triggered with this and reexposure to so much crap It is when my ptsd kicks in. I cannot function, I am in dissocation, and have to work really really hard to get grounded and drop the anxiety. I cannot focus or compelte a tasks and I need to do something healing creative and or spiritual.

So what is a good codependent sister to do? Take fall foliage photos AND drive up there and care for her. SO I did. I did not find her resting. I find her on the porch of JP China's telling the whole story. I asked if she wanted to go for a ride and look at the foliage? NOOOO I JUST got back from Hanover plastic surgeon etc, ok OK theeeeen I am not needed cool bye.

I went to MT MAJOR with Ginger and hiked. This used ot restore me and it is just not coming fast enough.

STILL out of it, and see next psot.

I am a new member and pending approval at a local forum I will just linn to the comments..

http://www.winnipesaukee.com/forums/showthread.php?p=108746

2009-10-04T12:15:00.002-04:00

Out to Pasture

WAY in the MONEY

2009-10-01T19:53:00.014-04:00

What has been going on since my last down trodden post?
I had NO choice ( jk)i t was either continue to fester in anxiety or do something about it. What is a sober broke girl hiding from REPO man to do? Wait tables and never see my favorite kids?
No get the H1N1 virus nearly? YES!!!!!!!! Beg my wireless carrier to wait 2 weeks till my next check? yes and literally try my hand at Texas Hold EM with my 60 bucks.....
WTF NOT?
SICK home went to work barely there sat home on couch and read read and watched my recorded WSOP and High stakes games... Dana my SO happens to play well and I got a teeny little bit resentful last time I felt quite UNwelcome in the poker room at Foxwoods. Like a child interrupting a parent in a BAR.... like ..................hmmm... my childhood.
You know how I abhor sexism..... well I was getting it from bitch boy and BOB.I stayed home to recoop for two weeks and they basically were heartbroken. See my pics throughout and at flickr so you know why they have my heart....
Anyway How Can I tell them it's because their dad keeps trying to literally get his hand in my PANTS.??? he put his hand in my AREA one night massaging my feet ( my sponsee is a massage therapist he does reiki etc) TALK # 1 ensued...
below is an email where I tried terribly to explain to someone who knows none of the cast of characters but was interested in my NEWS....
After becoming so gdamned fed UP with the men in my life and the belitting bullshit over MONEY and being basically laughed at when I suggested I give the cards a try tight?

SO two wekks of me ILL and determined to not get them sick stopping over and also play poker...Bob my friend the single parent working 2 jobs also was ill and his girlfriend decided to be on the scene so I stayed away. It was the longest I had not seen them ever and I was miserable over it. BUT I had to pull away bc he has gotten so OUT of CONTROL with the touching ( ME), and it is rotten. SLAA needs to do an intervention on him... joke

She has a needle stuck in her arm permanently that abscesses so badly she
was mediVACCEd to a hospital she is in a pt with a jailbird and
another kid she cannot care for.

She helped me to get sober 15 yrs ago ( attempt so I will never ever give up on
her. BUT she pulled crap when I had my own family stuff happenin and I
had to stop carting her around and dealing with her lies. So I at that
time a tr or so ago said after she thanked me for being there for them,
that I would be, but I am not enabling her by spending my sat driving
to get her and having her say she is clean and then stumbling down
stairs in front of them. At games at our sober functions etc No more

Dana is also friends with Bob. I am 100% honest with Dana. Last week Bob
( he is older now he is actually 53 w three kids alone) had to go to
hospital and had that not happened we were about to have a very
uncomfortable sit down.

The three of us spent a recent fri pm after a mtg pm's together the kids wen to bed we had
pizza and chilled and when we went to leave he snuck his footsies gig in and
tickled my foot I could around the coffee table!. I swear he acts like
his 7 yr old.

His gfriend is on off and treats him like crap so Dana and I and Bob all
joke how great it would be for everyone if I just lived there and the
three ( 4 at time if Bob's gfriend likes him that week) stopped paying
for 4 separate households on limited income. I have my Dad he has the
kids and Dana has a beautiful daughter who is an amazing mother and hairdresser, a good mom but makes some 'poorchoices'. ( as in a breast augmentation prior to paying for summer camp for her 5 yr old kid and forgetting every sat to find a babysitter) I think she needs to stay in his house for ahile and get rid of her insecure boyfriend. Two Adult Children of Alcoholics that actually call the cops on one another not due to liquor or drugs ..nope "HE locked ME out of my room and has our baby so I will not leave and he can read through my cell phone"

AGH

People????
I actually do not live in a trailer... (yet)

so where does your boyfriend fit into this picture? doesn't he care
about you being at this dude's house so much and he is hitting on you?
or does he not know? I hate it for poor kids stuck in bad situations.
you might be their only good influence.. that's sad. And where is the
mother?
RE:

Beats cleaning at night

And babysitting for my friend who continues to lets say PUSH limits and
boundaries I have established. Naturally he would love me to move right
in I am the perfect maid and nanny and sooooo NATURALLY I love the 3 kids as if
they were my own. However I was helping out for the last say 10 months
out of love for them. I have known their mom and dad for 20 years and
their mom is well unable to to do anything but trauma them. Years of
horrid horrid struggle with a certain opiate, tourette's severely, just
to name a few. Their DAD continues to pull little annoying
things and s e x ualize my presence like an IMP a teenager boy like let
me see you bra type of crap. It is so not funny so I left. I said you
know what I am here for THEM and I said if you do not cut it out I will
not be , and naturally they thought I abandoned them. I went by and said
look your dad is basically irritating me and Dana is furious and I will
never leave you but he just needs to chill on the whole JOKING around
stuff because it is so not ok. And for now I am just stepping back.
They actually cleaned their rooms and the dishes were done and somehow
getting to practices at night. Mind you their Dad is a very good man and when not being fresh a best friend.
but
I am not playing HOUSE to be having my boobs touched and him saying he is so in loooove with me, staying staaaaaay over and all that. He really like all of us just wants to be happy. NOW I AM MAD because it was liek he told these kids I LEFT not coming around and noone knew WHY,. 1) I had death flu 2) his partner was nursing him and 3) just digs it when he
gets home at like 10 30 and all the crap is done. I said by the way I
happen to do this out of love for them and I was never the girl growin
up that dreamt of marriage and being a homemaker. Hear me and hear me
good NOONE likes housework. Got it? ;-)

Point??? I am not freakin giving my life up ( drama here..it is NO SACRIFICE I am HAPPIEST when I am with these 3 kids) to be harassed. For 20 bucks
here n there. I will go there instead of 3 nights a week and half my
weekend like once a week now and that is that.

When his gfriend blows him off he just is all wouldn't it be great IF
.. andi said NO IF we would have all the same arguments that we have
currently with out respective partners. And frankly I am thinking living
alone forever might not be so bad ;-()

hey hundreds of dollars for 3.5 hours of work isn't bad...

IN THE MONEY

I took 3.5 hours

I won another 50 in a small one of 9 ppl to see how that went and you
know it was still 2 hours, and turbo.

I went and tried a 5 dime tbl and LOST like 30 Dollars they went fast
and I was ill prepared so For now I am all cheap slow and steady wins
the race only lol

________________________________
r 01, 2009 10:13 AM
To: Holske, Rebecca
Subject: RE: First ??

that's fantastic.. way to go girl.. sounds like you need to slap that
boyfriend.. I'm glad you won that much money. Maybe you should play a
hand for me.. :) How long did this game go on?

_

Did the story come through?

________________________________

Fr
Subject: RE:

K

Well the worst part first Sunday Night I was in a game right I paid 6
dollars which is literally ALL I had right and I had a headache all day
which is unusual so I was mellow at 8 pm just in a blanket on my couch
and hanging there I got to 12th place out of 1311 ppl and stayed there
.. prickusMAXIMUS comes over and starts in on me yelling etc he is just
a CRANK sometimes it can be anything and I got all distracted and lost
nocash and worse resentful at that little hypocritical bitch.

Well I was thinking about it and I thought well One more try Monday
night he is busy and will not be coming over for sure. I have been practicing here for about 6 months...
Somethings gotta GIVE

1700 people , ONE dollar, what the hey right? It is all good practice..
2 rebuys for 1 dollar so altogether I spent 3 bucks and at 1st I was
freaked, all the ppl were going all in???? I immediately think JERKS I
cannot even HANG with this...I suck I suck I suck

WELL
after all of the ehhckling he did I was more determined to try one last evenign alone NO distractions....

11.30 pm I came in 2nd

I am SERIOUS. I will now be able to pay my car insurance and buy food
next week.....

You know I am so all set with men and their put downs I called him up
and said hey you're never gonna win , never you're so stupid and sick
and ( basically ugly he syas to me)

Not to get too personal but he was being a JERK

And I cannot tell you HOW satisfied I am with myself.

PHEW

:-)Naturally they do make lengthy to get a check, but I made literally
10 more than my whole take home pay in one pay period.

Dude???? BITE ME

infantalizing life cicumstances

2009-09-12T12:49:00.003-04:00

Before I go into the fear and self pity I am living in let me preface this with my personal accountability statement.
When I made enough money to pay my bills and purchase food five years consistently I chose to get a used car. I chose to obtain a cell phone, and to remain living here assisting my Dad, next door and preserving my independence.
8 months later my job was eliminated. Out of over 200 people I was kept, in secret, and am employed but in a lesser job with no ot. IN this economy I was eter nally grateful and am today to have a job. However.........

It seems my Dad ALWAYS gets paid every period. I told him for the last 3 months I need to pay for my vehicle. I threatened to discontinue Direct tv and ANIMAL PLANET. I have not purchased food in two months. I scavenge, use my payroll cafeteria card and suck it up bc my boyfriend reminds me what a PIECE of crap I am for getting myself in over my head. I find this interesting see attached photo f his HOME, ad nauseum. I, l;ive in a leaking mold infested rotting farm house and do ALL of the work maintenance gadrening etc because well, I do LOVE it here. I have a DOG, and privacy, relative peace and quiet ( joke everyones dead form Alcoholism and other mental abberations). My Dad has not brought a lick of booze into his home for nearly two years. I am either in need of intensive therapy again or I am doing the right thing staying here. I pay only 600 in rent. My take home pay is 340 ( down from 560) YES c'est vrai.... SO I take out the cash give it on time, if not in his hand he has his tyrannical tantrums and I and reduced ot the tortured child state. I pay really for the taxes on this labd. My Dad has nothing nor buys anything for himself. No need for me to take his inventory and call hiom a selfish prick. This monrings morning coffee commentary and offer of support ?
" I will get you to work" My car is in reposession, I am 14 yrs sober and frankly am near in need of a psych admit.
His truck by the way last time I rode in it the seatbelt strap left a skid mark of BLACK mold across my work shirt when my car was inspected.
I have 168 friends on facebook and not one person in my life who can ever provide any help ever. It feels like shit when a male friend at work says hey I just gave 1k to my daughter and if you were NICER to me I'd help you out.
No thanks and get in line. I DO know married older men with more money than you I can go fuck for help.
I choose to die inside and not sleep at night and be ridiculed by my partner. He has the nerve and I reminded him he lived at HOME for 8 years saving ot build his home. Mother fucker I have not had a break since I was 17 years old and moved here. NOw I am back, never to seperate again. The Italin in me is righteous about family sticks with family. The irish in me screams at my poor disabled Dad when I am terrified about the winter and having ot call the bank and set up a meeting to return my car. ther german in me want to MISERY both the mother fuckers and then well start over room by room.
ressentment with bitch boy two is misacarriage a month ago and DnC two years ago meanwhile friends all around us rerpoduced including his daughter when noone can afford it and I am an AHOLE for stating that I deserve to own a USED SUBARU dykemobile and do NOT want to regret my SURRENDER to the FACTS that I can NOT have children, because I cannot provide for one.
Lets see though HAD i been selfish I would in NH be in school full time with paid for daycare, all my friends feeding and daycaring on the only days off because you have KIDS and are so fucking HELPESS.....I would also receive heat assistance and food stamps. Instead I pay 649 bucks for five weeks of heat last yr with no rent reduction and a downward spiral I am afriad I am not going to overcome.

My slef esteem is in the sewer. I felt so well, and adult and good about myslef when I was able to pay my bills. And I reallly really help others on my only days off see all of my photos and no one is ever there for me and I in soooooo much PAIN right now

2009-09-11T07:37:00.005-04:00

Out to Pasture

I worked a block away and moved promptly after a protest bomb was released on 120 Broadway I was terrified avoidong the glass and rubble which that am looked like a lot, (one floor ONE corner)....knew 4 ppl 1 firefighter. Remember checking the I'm out and alive list online for WTC workers after hours of fast busy's...

THIS MAN , PRIEST, nyc FIRE DEPT CHAPLAIN CHAMPIONED FOR ALCOHOLICS

2009-09-07T21:40:00.002-04:00

Full on depression was placated by these in the garden

full moon

2009-09-03T22:36:00.002-04:00

I needed so much to write and I was stuck blocked , just DISTRURBED. It was nothing I could avoid with a quick facebook status update though I rummaged it around in my mind with all of the repercussions like a good sicko.
I had a miscarraige and it threw my head for a loop. Not the drama of it the horomones and my depression. I have not been able to type a word about it. I am not sad so pleae no poor Becca in comments, nor any opinions about the nesx statement.

thank GOD

the end

For Car Dealers, Cash For Clunkers Rescues Summer : NPR

2009-08-19T21:52:00.004-04:00

For Car Dealers, Cash For Clunkers Rescues Summer : NPR

This struck me as odd like a big foreclosure auction by the govt... FORD salesmen perched on the outskirts of a barren lot.. no inventory, no customers. I was visiting my sister in a neighboring dealership where she sells cars, and as I was leaving I took this shot through my moving vehicle. Thought it telling

Harvest moon ?

2009-08-05T08:34:00.003-04:00

Weeds weeds and a few stunted mossy moldy vegetables hanging on for dear life

Basil was successful as was lettuce and three string beans

New groove

2009-07-27T21:19:00.002-04:00

I was astonished to find from the link in my email from Facebook a sound I am DIGGIN

http://www.okayplayer.com/news/Audio-Introducing-Donn-T.-with-Kisses-.html

I liek the melody, the rythm, the lyrics and her voice very much. I personally could do with a little less of a synthesized background but overall YEAH I would buy a cd

ALAPET?

2009-07-26T07:41:00.000-04:00

WOG and DOG n ALAPET
My dog is the MARTY MAN of of ALA-PET

more on that later she has accepted permanent down pouring and a life of narcoleptic travels spanning 8 feet from her bed to the couch.
Chelsea who is 14 has more spunk lately, she is a WOG
Half WOLF supposedly
and yes I coined this a long time ago though I am sure others have made the same joke.

got words?

2009-07-25T17:51:00.004-04:00

GOT WORDS?

not today sending this flower to percy at Percy's Adventures link via pic
it is hot humid and the lawnmower is calling

but a picture or two form my sleepover ... SO that's Hannah Montana? Family Guy is apporved TV for Rain but not sure bout htese three so I said naaaaaaah. Not really for kids...

Busted by GPS ( NYC Public School System Employee)

2009-07-21T18:28:00.001-04:00

Out to Pasture

Though I do not approve of anyone stealing from their employer, being tracked without knowledge must be a violation of a civil right. Though murky waters when on payroll....
If you cannot record a person's voice than how can you record their whereabouts without prior consent or notification?

Satellites in the astronomical HOOD

2009-07-20T22:29:00.012-04:00

prophecies..., deep thought by becca re: facebook, and entertainment subscription extortion...

courtesy of the blogger below.... thank you for helping me think this evening

All I have thought about is how to get rid of the GO$^amned FLEAS my dog acquired, first time in 8 1/2 YEARS
I blame all of the children that I know the only common denominator.

if someone made an app that you had to think about the people on your friend list and everyone was 100% honest ' what is the first thing you think of /remember when you see my name? We could have a LOT of fun.....
Direct TV I would not recommend Direct TV they're in cahoots with the Sirius Satellites in the astronomical HOOD, let us not forget Sprint though I LOVE them because they allow me to slow roll them as long as I am true to my word which I am.

LONELY ROADS and PSYCHOPATHS See this blog
I tried to comment and follow but the image and word verification rejected me, repeatedly.

My stage debut was at the age of 11.... a MAIN character....
the...... Blanche Dubois? NOOOOOO the

Velveteen RABBIT

I was REAL I was REALLY REAL...................................................

if someone made an app that you had to think about the people on your friend list and everyone was 100% honest ' what is the first thing you think of /remember when you see my name? We could have a LOT of fun.....
Direct TV I would not recommend Direct TV clearly they're in cahoots with the Sirius Satellites in the astronomical HOOD

I have had a day off from work and have spent the last well too many hours reading blogs. I believe I have found a voice I am truly in AWE of
but................

he has not posted since January ... Is blog high and subsequent crash something I should get used to? I am still in the honeymoon phase of my blogger CRUSH.

here is my 'comment':

I really like your style, your voice, your blog. I feel ya on so many things, we have lived parallel lives geographically and emotionally at least though I am heter=O

Driving down RT6A by any chance?
I worked as teen to get to the cape to work as a teen to get back to NY to get OUT of Queens and never go back to Brooklyn, and live in the 'CITY'.... I am probably ten years older than you , but once tried to write a play ( COUGH NO talent) in a cottage in Orleans, worked all over in restaurants, and once I had arrived ( again) in NY on Fifth Avenue at no less, Tiffny and Co. selling jewelry but I was so lonely. Watching tourists spend all the money they have re-buying items they made was jut sickening enough for me to land in NH ( again) and for the last 8 years I have not moved back to NY. Being in NY was like your driving addiction for me.
KEEP WRITING you are a genius.

Zach McGuire Sells Toys

2009-07-20T18:20:00.001-04:00

Zach McGuire Sells Toys

Shared via AddThis

k well wish I had some toys

old cosmetics anyone??

isnt he Freakin GREAT????

2009-07-20T13:22:00.005-04:00

seen At "Bargain" Days Concord NH July 18th 2009

P M S ing

2009-07-20T13:01:00.004-04:00

George George and Alexandra in from NY a couple of weeks ago. She and her friend slept over. Never did get to have my nehphew after many texts requesting to my sis. Maybe next time...Isnt he adorable?

My friend Kristen on guitar, her daughters and Alexandra. K brought over two large pizzasand her amazing uplifting self.

My flcikr links has pics of all of these kids when they were little.

Today I was going to organize the rest of my CLUTTER after I mow the lawn and finish weeding the gardens. However Now My father says he had a FLEA in his hair. One fogger left two residences

two canines

No car need to pick up from inspection garage, I am in the whole loser place with no money until two fridays. At least CAR payment was made, actually Dana helped me with a bill which is unusual not since four years ago and we were in the honeymoon stage has this happened. SO he did theinsurance,paiod,, and cable, paid.... Dad always gets paid FIRST.... He has a coronary if Animal Planet and Discovery are shut off.

pro and con list? not even pheasable when I PMS'ing

and to my couple of guy friends that find it funny to grab my ass well just FUCK OFFFFF I am so sick of everybody wanting a piece of me

Got Powder?

2009-07-18T15:00:00.014-04:00

Out to Pasture

This am I babysat last minute, had a blast, having a blast. Dana's grandchildren and Liam, the taller boy in the photo behind the title up top.

All would be well except my dog has FLEAS
NEVER ever in her 8 years has this happened.

I cant fog the room with kids here. And yes she slept at the foot of my bed. Fleas seem to really like white flannel sheets. After paying my rent and car, I have not enough for a can of flea powder. I am finding this aspect of my life particularly frustrating.....

Met friends in Bicentennial Square to hear a local band and not expecting much I will say they
JAMANTICS
ROCKED THE HOUSE.
Far better than what we hung around for later, the Stompers, a few of the guys from Foghat. Doubt you ever heard of them. They played their asses off, I appreciate any live music, it just was not my favorite period. One song, sweet thing, had not been played live in 20 years and that was GREAT a little R and B rhythms and and bit of percussion great lyrics and it grooved. Went for a walk after that, found records for .25 cents a PIECE. Here comes me and my inner dork... ready? The music I once played and studied until I found my instrument rototiller in the garden by the flea carrier..
Monteverdi
Academi of Ancient music records in perfect condition from the radio station! SCORE
No one I knew in performances as they were pre 1975, I started at ARS's Amherst College summer fest in 79, yes my life certainly peaked at the age of 8.
No Julianne Baird or Ruth Cunningham ( later of the Anonymous Four) or Paul Leenhouts or etc...just ( see pics)

Got some adorable Henna for tattoos from the girls at the Indian food stand... FUN for Maggie and Cassie.

There has to be a resentment in here somewhere... Oh YEEAAAAH shortly after leaving Colby announces he has left his sneakers at my place. I said, " No prob it happens, we can go back."
DANA who is driving says NO he can survive. OK ... you complete and total Ahole.
SO I am next to blame for distracting Dana, who reminded Colby to grab his shoes as he got in his car seat.... Actually what REALLY happened is Dana took OVER the flea situation while we were getting ready to leave, when I had a perfect remedy of splitting my last fogger 3 yrs old though effective between my bedroom and living room ( the apt in entirety) He let it off in MY room rushed us ALL outta here as HE was not wanting to WASTE away in my apt (I granted its molding and tight). NO changing of clothes or shower for Becca. fine
HOWever, I was the one home, last minute I was home with HIS gkids alone all day no car, (just need to go get it from garage with YAY inspections sticker ON legally driving) but.. guess that's here NOR there. Of course being reminded we have no spending $ , I said WTF are we doing? No stroller or cash what a freakin BALL for the kids.
Well of course the BITCH BOY is back. I am
SO 'NOT going to the argument'
( hyperlink above if curious about what THAT means

and NOT doing that in front of the kids Haleigh being 15 months old but possessing a keen and watchful eye. And lately witnessed enough multi generational ACOA crap to witness and experience. ( hyperlinks in read if interested in what THAT means)
Whom we kept longer so mom my with her new breast augmentation could a mani- pedi.
Yes oh yes and boundaries galore, NO I will not cook at my place in between bands for sponsee and child as I spent my last 15 bucks last wkwend, I went without butts and Coffee she gave me 2 cigs prior to leaving, thank you that's cool. She was busy one afternoon, could not help me with a ride., not get me to work one day and I have hmm never asked her for a ride in the 15 years I have known her, but have provided child care rides and bday party $$$$ stuff and car repairs by Dana, and ER propane jimmying by Dana etc, I am SO SPENT. Did I really see her going to the beach from my Dads molded rotted truck en route to work? Seriosuly. I placed his seatbelt across my blouse and had a stripe much like a girl scout banner in size, BLACK MOLD across my work outfit. UGH so I was confused when I saw her car turning in to Hannah Dustin. Maybe it was another car........And I love her, and just cannot believe she refuses to do the process the many ways I have presented to her and know I need to tell her to move on because she is not growing in THAT way with me as her sponsor. She is full of sooo much beauty, intelligence and goodness, yet continues to suffer with a love that is active.... there is just NO WHERE to go with that.( see my accessible 24/7 online format pages straight from the original PROCESS mtgs in Hyannis) Pdf online allows private editable sharing. C'est VRAI!
Then I feel guilty for feeling frustrated with her.
Back to Colby's BARE feet
En route back to car after hearing AWESOME tunes!

JAMANTICS

Poor Colby steps barefoot on a steaming round grate on the sidewalk and balls like I have never seen him cry, not even when he fell down Dana's stairs and had a EGG on his forehead for week at 2. I am able to comfort this child. ( HUGE plug for the 12 steps of recovery HERE) even though I am scared and then his sister is quite confused by this, and peers back at him with eyebrows frowning, and starts to cry. Adorable and this absolutely cracked me UP. He did not have 3rd degree burns and we did not have to race to hospital which was my ( plug in for PTSD) imagination's predicating.

K so if you are working with me ( in recovery) I insist on reading everything on this site while or prior to writing out your 4rth step and making lists. Sometimes the lists are full of so much guilt and shame we are unable to filter out what our actual character 'challenges' are.
Joy 2 ME U click
taken form this page:
We went to their apt to rest and Dana taught his daughter how to prepare baked haddock and the kids bathed and Colby and I played Nintendo DS which has a little slot game of pictures you try to hit three of a kind.. Right up my OCD alley! A BALL!
Typical day I guess I am still learning what is is like to be in a family. That being said we can always review the old reliables at this site: As in patterns and habits of utter destructiveness

" I have 10 things on my "to do list" today, I get 9 of them done, the disease does not want me to give myself credit for what I have done but instead beats me up for the one I didn't get done. Whenever life gets too good we get uncomfortable and the disease jumps right in with fear and shame messages. The critical parent voice keeps us from relaxing and enjoying life, and from loving our self.
We need to own that we have the power to choose where to focus our mind. We can consciously start viewing ourselves from the "witness" perspective. It is time to fire the judge - our critical parent - and choose to replace that judge with our Higher Self, who is a loving parent. We can then intervene in our own process to protect ourselves from the perpetrator within - the critical parent/disease voice.
(It is almost impossible to go from critical parent to compassionate loving parent in one step - so the first step often is to try to observe ourselves from a neutral position or a "scientific observer" perspective.)
This is what enlightenment and consciousness raising are all about. Owning our power to be a co-creator of our lives by changing our relationship with ourselves. We can change the way we think. We can change the way we respond to our own emotions. We need to detach from our wounded self in order to allow our Spiritual Self to guide us. We are Unconditionally Loved. The Spirit does not speak to us from judgment and shame"

I wish that human beings had the sense to obtain a little awareness prior to reproducing oh well

F-mart, after the annual downtown "Bargain" Days. Flea and Tick Powder?
Check Shampoo? Check Birth Control? Check THEY SHOULD ALL BE IN THE SAME AISLE.

love.... and loss There but for the grace of GOD go I

2009-07-17T22:51:00.009-04:00

Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other.

--Rainer Maria Rilke

well the title above should link to my friend Sarah's work. I learned of her death this week.

if you could only SEE my latest 4rth step on some resentments I HAD to let go of
yes, it's the BEST of Bitch Boy

and well naturally the turn around is enlightening.

I do NO wrong.
I cannot find words to express the pain and shock I feel having learned that someone I loved is gone. She was not an addict, not a drunk, but we spoke intimately about her struggles with manic depression, or today's' bipolar disorder' and I feel guilty, yet again, survivor guilt rears it's nowhere near dormant state.
As a girl at boarding school our boyfriends were best friends. We once boated out to the inlet at Nauset Beach and grilled mussels out of the water. I remember being so happy that she had garlic salt that day.
Sarah, the woman was stunningly beautiful. She was a gifted photographer. A thoughtful friend. I always gave her credit as one of a few friends that actually sent letters and cards that were hand written via the US Mail. I had nearly twenty years of correspondence from her. IN fact before I discovered the announcement, I was organizing my old boxes of holiday cards and letters and I actually thought to myself 'she'll send another soon, I need to stop hoarding dusty old mail and stop all the sentiment. I tossed a photo of her Bernese Mountain dog in her Crested Butte Colorado scenic photos knowing she must have posted it online.
The following day I read in NMH news that she died.
I cannot find words now but I am so thankful my friend Heather a talented skiier and telem arker sent me the details.

I will write more about her wedding in Nantucket. Her parents threw a 3 day bash with all you can eat raw bar on one end of the island, rented out a home for all of the girls, and I got to do her wedding makeup. My old beau came along with me who is also now successful starting his own snowboard company called Rome, and I will remember that time always as one of the best times I ever had and even being fairly new in recovery.... She always asked how I was doing with 'that'

I MISS her. I thought that she was mad at me because I translated some 12 step advice for her when she told me she was mad at her parents, the emails were returned, but not a card I sent... I thought that she would just email me when she was feeling better.

She told everyone she was going out of town and dropped her dog off with her x husband, and whe she did not appear to pick him up, I guess they figured it out.

My grandmother also committed suicide by pills....
fucking bipolars, drunks, depressives, paranoid scitzophrenics,junkies, aids, hep c , wernike karskoff, what a petri dish of mental illness I come from. There but for the grace of GOD go I.

God is within you, never lose HOPE.

I MISS you Sarah

tomorrow I will scan in that photo that you mailed me of us at your wedding

me?

if you could only SEE my latest 4rth step on some resentments I HAD to let go of
yes, it's the BEST of Bitch Boy

and well naturally the turn around is enlightening.

I do NO wrong.

2009-07-11T22:05:00.000-04:00

the inconvenient truth: Where you goin'?

2009-07-09T21:41:00.000-04:00

the inconvenient truth: Where you goin'?

Out to Pasture

I love this blog... she wrote what I could not.
I was still in not even acknowledging this event bliss
my comment :
I faked that I was attending my 20th last month all the way up to my facebook WALL posts ' I'm almost there texting from my phone, left hours ago...teh corner, you'll see my car any minute... Brought huge german shepherd to play with all of your kids, and of course I still carry copious amounts of vodka and co ke and am a sure thing boys'
And I went to an ACTUAL new england PREP SCHOOL
Quelle HORROR

A real day at the beach

2009-07-08T12:27:00.000-04:00

Renee and I have been trying to make it to the ocean here only 45 minutes away for the last three summers. Coordinating vacation days at last here it is. Pooring and I have what feels like another HORRENDOUS sinus infection... Nevermind the restof the BS I need to face today.
When I was an esthetician I read everything that I could on the maxillary sinus and tempomadibular insertion points ot include those areas in the massage. I found this today and tried it though confused on the correct sequencing of application of pressure, it gave me enough relief to post. I have been inert all morning.

Snarkmarket

2009-07-08T12:08:00.004-04:00

My friend mentioned this movie to me yesterday at work I cannot wait to see it. See my paper on organic farming somewhere in older posts, not that I will ever be a farmer but at least we will have fresh beets and carrots to juice in my ancient Juiceman JR.
I am so proud of this lettuce! Despite the rain forest the garden has become..... look at it!

Snarkmarket: "The food industry
I just saw Food, Inc., yesterday, which might be what got me off on this riff again. If you read Fast Food Nation or The Omnivore's Dilemma, you know that Eric Schlosser and Michael Pollan both identify monoculture (i.e. oligopoly and monopoly) as the primary villain in our awful global food situation. The last century saw food production shift from the local farmer to the multinational factory conglomerate. That shift is ruining our health, our environment, international diplomacy, and perhaps worst of all, our food. Meanwhile, the unbelievably obese food lobby has taken control of our government, writing intrusive laws to ensure its survival even as it crumbles under its own weight."

Out to Pasture says my lettuce is almost ready....