Saturday night CHAT on IM with my very understanding friend:
Becca: dana took his ring back and called me a numb CUNT in the parking lot of a mtg
Becca: he is an insecere little jerk
Becca: i cannot beleive I am so stupid
retired36: wow wanna come over to comiserate
Becca: maybe I feel bad bc I left ginger alone in the car watching HIS gkids and Rain this afternoon
Becca: I almost drove over
Becca: I locked my doors too
Becca: he is one to come back and try to apologize
retired36: come over
Becca: I am researching lol
Becca: At home, we excuse our tolerance because it's none of our business, if we aren't the one being abused, and if we are the target of the abuse, we deny our own power to free ourselves. We have the "someday my prince will come" complex, that looks to another to rescue us or rescue others, but we do not look to ourselves. And herein lies the rub.
The only way for a victim of verbal abuse to be freed is to free herself. Both the victimizing "other" and the victimizing "self" must be confronted. Both must be stopped. If all else fails, separating from the abusive other will stop that abuse. Since we cannot separate from ourselves, we are left to convert the hostile energy directed at and against us, to strong energy working for us. This is a complex process that takes commitment, courage and
Becca: victims become believers and imitators of the hostility to such an extent that self-doubt and self-blame, even self-hatred, become second nature. To free themselves, victims must draw upon all three elements: commitment, courage and "know how", with a depth of conviction and determination known only to the violated. Without it, there will be continued whining, complaining, crying, describing, repeating, but never moving and liberation.
Becca: see I do not wnat ot be whining I want to liberate myslef
Becca: and why do I repeat tis
retired36: come over
retired36: i am listening
Becca: Do not join a group where describing your plight and staying in it brings sympathy without movement. Liberation psychology is designed to teach us the principles of the inner world and how to live with integrity in this world. Reading, studying and discussing what I have written would be a most helpful tool. It is hard work to free ourselves from the emotional attachment to psychological abuse, but it is the greatest gift you could ever give yourself. May you have the necessary commitment and courage needed to do the work required to psychologically liberate yourself
retired36: keep going
retired36: i am with ya
Becca: this is part of it
Abuse that begins in childhood takes the highest toll. Children are just forming their view of the world, their sense of who they are in relation to the world, and where the power lies. Abused girls tend to learn that they are unworthy and have little or no power and that the bullies are superior and have all the power. Some abused girls react rebelliously and counterattack, becoming abusers themselves, but they are the minority. Either way, childhood abuse takes a toll that has a lifetime effect.
The most devastating toll is the self-abuse that evolves out of being abused. Children think they deserve the abuse, and they turn on themselves. Instead of learning how to live intimately and at one with themselves, in keeping with the integrity they were born with, the
Becca: me nw
I have been really hurting myslef lately a lot I noticed it increases w/stress of my own doing yes but also his anger
So. this unworthy, bad, still not small enough girl, can make no sense out of abuse. If she can't figure it out, she must be stupid. They are right. She's also stupid, very, very stupid. What hope is there for her? She's unworthy, bad, and now stupid. That unbearable combination of traits becomes her self-image. That is emotional toll.
Becca: this is where Dana adn I are at :
guillotine of a psychological beheading. She begins to hate herself. She's failed at everything she's tried. The abuse continues. She has blamed herself for every failure. There's nothing left but to despise who she is. If she were more worthy, good, smart, and successful, all would be well. But she is unworthy, bad, stupid, and a failure. She deserves to be abused and she most certainly deserves to be hated and despised.
retired36: ok now getting out of it all
retired36: digging out
retired36: that is what i am doing
retired36: new job
retired36: new life
Becca: The destructive effects of abuse have done their job well. She no longer needs another to violate her. She now knows the routine and she's caught in the corrupting pattern of it. Her inner dialogue will now be an inner diatribe. She will harangue herself. She will verbally and sometimes physically mutilate herself. Her success is measured by her suffering. Suffering is her lot. The emotional toll is now an emotional rack that gets stretched regularly by hersel
Becca: c'est MOI
retired36: out of the wreckage...
retired36: into the light
Becca: I have reinventeed my slef so many times
retired36: no longer reinvent
retired36: go back
Becca: and then I end up in less than satisfying relationships
retired36: to basics
retired36: they are getting better
Becca: yes good idea
retired36: not abused
retired36: not married
Becca: I know I am GOOD
retired36: you are growing
Becca: he cannot take that away from me
retired36: you are awesome
Becca: I wont allow him to
Becca: i feel weak for feeling PAIN
Becca: according to him I am dysfunctional crazy and fucked
retired36: hey he is not you
retired36: cannot damage you
retired36: takes one to know one?
Becca: but his words hurt he played that talking heads song oin my voice mail on the way to the mtg
'we're on a raod to nowhere'
Becca: that set me OFF
Becca: this was all over an argumetn over CARS
retired36: i agree that would set me off
Becca: getting to adn fro
Becca: I aske dhim a nhr prior to be at my house
Becca: he was late not typical, and had a fit bc I dorve mySLEF adn did not go w Jill adn rain
control fear insecurity
Becca: I explained she lives NORTH therefore she can drive herself and her dragged around enough for the last week kid home directly afterwards DUH
Becca: next is nothing but further character defects
Becca: I cannot beleive he thinks after all of this time he can get away with that crap
retired36: i agree
Becca: I may have made it worse
Becca: I said pls do NOT talk to me ( VALID I think as he demanded his ring ) he starts insultiung me and my DAD in front of BOB RIan MItchell jills x husband and everyone esle so I said stop it DAna , he did not so I left he said GOOD and really looked liek a DICVK I think I hope
Becca: I once told him if he ever used that phrase we were done
Becca: I just cannot toelrate that numb c___
maybe one alone but not toegther
Becca: JIll got a 90 on a apaper IW ROTE in a really rough format Iam so not stupid
Becca: scattered adn add ytes
retired36: you are soooooo smart
retired36: you know that
Becca: maybe he does nto like me being involved and interested in her schooling
Becca: no I dont
Becca: i failed chmeistry remember a few yrs ago when I was wiping asses at the nursing home
Becca: this is another awesome one
Becca: HE should BOOST me he does not
Becca: and this will not change
retired36: i agree
retired36: but he has a good heart
retired36: just might not be right for you
Becca: big deal if the person your heart is supposedly dedicated too is shit on by the ehart what good is it?
"By undermining his partner, the verbal abuser is saying, When I erode your confidence and lessen your determination, you are easier to control."
"With this very obvious means of control, the verbal abuser is saying, I have Power Over you. I am in control. Do as I say. If you don't, I'll . . ., or if you don't, you might get hurt - implying physical harm by a fit of rage or by an unspoken threat like punching the wall."
11. Name calling
"By calling names, the abuser is saying, You do not exist. You are annihilated, you are now BLANK. Now that you are wiped out, I'm in control, just like in a war."
retired36: you need to blog this
Becca: great then never get a job lol
Becca: ok maybe that is an interesting ide like blog the chat?
retired36: you can make it a job
retired36: in and out
retired36: he is a breat
retired36: insensative sure
retired36: so move on
Becca: yes he had a fit last summer at nescypaa too
retired36: make the list of good and bad
Becca: First I was embarassed then ashamed then embarassed again for my ego, then perplexed that a) he behaved this way and b) that I give him repeated breaks due to his PAIn and arthritis adn now interfueron
Becca: a T list pro and con ben franklin has ass?