Today ... I helped my best friend retrieve a truck out of of impound in Holyoke Mass that her brother odeed in. After that we retrieved some belongings and papers.... I found his Living Sober and Big Book and fourth step .... whenI saw the writing he had begun and no not the first time by any means... once I saw THAT i just utterly collapsed in grief. It is so unbelievably sad. The Korean culture says this is shameful and a disgrace. That part of her family BLOWS my mind. Someone in that lineage told her mother he died because she didn't love him enough. There IS this much stigma and ignorance STILL about addiction. On the positive side a woman I know is testifying literally today in Congress on behalf of her daughter or step daughter and has begun an alternative respite spot for addicts in recovery or awaiting treatment in Manchester NH. Like I have said prior I stayed away from opiates because my relatives in NY were addicted and afflicted... All I knew was I had HIV + uncle who pushed my Italin grandmother in a wheelchair in front of a car for insurance money, due to desperation for heroin. Being raised away from them and by a jazz pianist I also knew heroin killed Jazz musicians don't do it for all of the above. Instead drink yourself to death or do coke till you kirby that was my early youth . ...and yet here I am am processing survivor GUILT and pain for my oldest friend who supported me in ym recovery who's parents love me pretty much like their own. And they lose their son and I am in my twentieth YEAR of sobriety, feeling supremely grateful and utterly emotional that I made it.


THat's not how I ordered my pancakes

Is anyone still blogging out there? I miss being online at home. I miss NY and my friends and NYC AA. I feel like I ll never get back to visit. Moved in with SO after sister had a very challenging romp with mental illness. My dog died during one of her hospitalizations and she moved in to my small apt next to Dad. She promptly got a rescue dog that is a hyper Jack Russell ...NOT housebroken. I resigned from the treatment center because I could not afford to work there and care for them both. Living with So has been uninspiring as well. I am grateful for the nice home but his daughter is still active and she overdosed ... her 8 year old son found her. She survived and is an arrogant bitch still stripping and got custody back six months later. She is borderline and not treating it. Regulation emotions to her is peeling out of driveway, and I do pray and care for her. I do. Just BURNT<.I have been a little run a round by the people in my life and decided it is time for me to go to school. This will be a part time community college experiment. In ME saying NO. No I can't get meds do dump get mail drive for 5 hours and or then watch anyones kids on my day off ANYMORE> I Am so excited! and NO I am not majoring in addiction studies. The state I reside in is in a crisis due to opiate addiction and there may be work that is paid better in the field sooner than later but I am going to hope for pre-nursing. I miss expressing my frustrations here! It was an anonymous place to say how I really feel. My truth.... I saved money working in a greasy spoon. I literally support my sister and Dad.. Getting OLD . I drive and pay for food and bills car repairs for her and house things. Since I left there it has disentegrated, and I am powerless and heartbroken over it, My sister refuse to sign up for section 8 housing. I am so glad she is there and safe and my best friend. She makes me laugh almost daily. I am thankful my Dad did not develop Werneke... he can not play the piano anymore. He can not pay the bills and the taxes. I can not live there because the roof is caving in and sister is in my space. I spend my days off driving them to appointments and doing the dump recycling cleaning groceries and barely have time for my self. SO next month I am unavailable and at school on one of the two days off. I am so much better off than I was prior when I wrote on here. Though I saved some money for once and worked on some bills I got when she became ill I am also helping with clothes for her grandbaby, and paying my bf rent. I have kept my same meeting schedule and have gotten back tot he gym all while being a very compliant caretaker.I have finally reached the point where I am ready to think of mySELF. And that means a light two courses at a time. Just here admitting I do not like change anymore and that I will have 20 years of sobriety ODAAT in June. ANd i am ready for a whole lot more out of life. OH and happiness and joy and love. ANd I do not appreciate misery in recovery. I have remained myself and my customers say things like WOW why are you always so happy??? Because of RECOVERY. Period. Whether I stay in my relationship will be decided odaat too. Other people express interest and I still dont leave. I would not be able to live with myself hurting his grandchildrens feelings. I lvoe them too. I just cant raise then and care for my family all on one day off. I need time with th epeople I love and relationships in my own life. And those kids mean the world to me and have grown in ways that would shock you after their mom passed.. thank you heroin and methadone. She was 40. Can't live with the fox news an negativity and hate mongering much more with naye love and obnoxious child care expectations. The pretend care or conversation only when seeking sex. On rare weekend grandson is not there he gambles then sleeps on couch. NO romance at ALL. The absolute fact I am 100% on my own with my life but he always has $ fro cards Then asks me for papertowels and laundry detergent and fabric softener. Mind you I was three work shirts and two pants a week. ANd grandson wets bed NIGHTLY> SO no go buy your own soap..IS this what marriage is like??? Has not one bit of interest in dining out or a movie with me. Cooked a turkey for HIMSELF . Refused to even eat with my Dad and me for ten minutes. Did not stay for me speaking at alcathon.....And I am there because I am scared of change. I am comfortable. I cant afford more than 500 I pay him bc of sissy and daddy dearests, No bond but house sharing. It is the most unloved I have ever felt in my life. And I can't love any one else. I can FRIEND though. Just STUCK.and it Sucks. Maybe I will get another bar of soap for Christmas this year from him.......... I am very concerned about student loans. Scare and excited to be back in a learning environment. So little miss I want one of mt pancakes LIGHT and the other with 7 choclate chips in it mae me run to and fro while her DAD demanded more coffee and my junkie co worker leaves the scene on Saturday. this is because cowardly boss man still refuses to fire here after promising all of her shifts to someone actually deserving of them who pre-arranged child care for them. I can not believe mt life has come down to how do want your eggs cooked. I can't believe I wait on obese people who are so morbidly fat they require walkers to ambulate. The farmers with 600 acres of land that leave a dollar every day eat there twice daily..O have some special regulars that without I could not tolerate this joint another day. Some days I look out and can not imagine where these people come from. Literally just had open heart surgery and order fried steak and loaded fries extra gravy and a pie after they inject insulin right at the table. I see so much food addiction. We wont talk about the fact that I break up with Ben and Jerry so much I need CODA. The hardest thing for me has been to try to watch my food intake there. I so miss food that is not processed fried and out of a can and jar. I was a little spoiled in my youth waitress life working at NICE places. I hate to say this but I make more than I ever did a t an Italian or french restaurant, but I am running a LOT. YES its TRUE program people ARE cheap too. It was in a story in the BB last week and I laughed so hard. I do have actual friends and they are the one exception. I can't wait for the aholes at my counter not to matter anymore because i have homework to do. P


Dad stumbled out of the pizza joint today. He forgot to write the check for his lunch, and then forgot to tip my friend, who owns the place and she graciously said not to worry about it he is just a big teddy bear, mY ASS I am mortified. Getting a 300 lb 6 ft 2 man up 3 stairs and back to his couch was terrifying. He nearly fell and I did not need a repeat of Christmas. My sister decided to sleep, she had her contraception installed this morning while Dad was at his Coumadin clinic. Yesterday her food card and Medicaid was off and I redid her paperwork. She is not as helpless as she was a year ago but I did not feel like driving 4 times back and forth. I just redid it and crossed my fingers. I have not enough money to drive to work and keep us smoking until Monday when I get my check, and am sitting using welfare inet at MCDonald's. I drove away so frustrated because Dad was growling at the remote and vocalizing while the TV's picture is scrambled. I asked if it was broken as it is about 25 years old and he hollered, "NOOOO". I , fantasize about my great escape on the ride home driving 30 mph awaiting his blood sugar to drop so we can successfully get him back inside. Long BEach NY.....I could leave my car for them and GO start over. Yet my heart is in this with the two of them I can never leave, no matter how many resumes I submit I am destined to work in a job I do not agree with any longer, and dedicate my life to ensuring they have what they need, she takes her meds and enjoys her life a bit, and he does the NYT crossword for fun. Neither of them ask for anything exceptional or indulgent. The least I can do is be there. I drive away today feeling like a jerk for not spending the rest of my day off cleaning. I let my Dad sit in a filthy old rotting 300 yr old house. I do not help anymore clean the bathroom and vacuum, I am not cleaning my old apt for my sister who is not even working. My goal is to save 50 bucks for seeds and carve out a spot for some gardening. I will celebrate 17 YEARS of sobriety and I cannot make a living, cannot drive to see ANYONE on my days off, and I cannot see where I went wrong. I work helping people ( I have had ENOUGH of junkies in free treatment thank you very much and the business of treatment is disgusting)I am NOT inspired ot finish my psych degree or become a LADC, no... and am failing to see rewards I never took an oathe of poverty in exchange for being sober. The obvious lack of college completion is a factor but again without support I cannot see working full time and going into debt ...ugh NOT feeling grateful feeling like a big fat loser.Thank god for my sister because she in all her wackiness makes me laugh every day. THis is the longest in over a year she has not had any psychosis HAPPY DAYS thank you abilify.... I know I need ot exercise, stop smoking and get my ass in gear, I am someone that NEEDS to be active and I am not since my dog died, NO excuse period..I wish other people knew my Dad was not like that the whole rest of the week, he is sober as a judge and sits on the couch watching Discovery channel.


Student Loan Be Gone!

When I received a small tax refund I thought that there must have been a mistake. I used it to pay a portion of taxes to the town in lieu of rent from my sister for my Dad. We had a great lunch at the Soup Gallery and I learned that my computer is not worth repairing. I filled the tank up and brought sister to get contacts. A small copay for her and voila, she can see. THAT must not have helped her mental health over the last year. I have nearly 20/20 vision and cannot fathom living within a further blurred world view. A statement from the IRS indicating the difference applied to my debt and the balance owed being zero was in the mailbox. This is a relief. I In the last 8 years I had 2 decent jobs and two job losses at the 3 year point. During each I set up repayment plans based on my earnings and forbearing both ove the years it seemed insurmountable. I will not borrow any money for education again. I am determined to get a job again with benefits and real tuition reimbursement. For some reason I receive delayed email rejections from jobs I am qualified for. I have had rejections in email for two straight YEARS. Job searching has been reduced to an online series of questions that should not be asked according to exisitng labow laws until after hiring starting with a credit check and ending with a track age questionare and disability, ethnicity, and veteran status. In this economy, and having had to unexpectedly support my 40 year old sister on 8 bucks an hour take home for the last year let's just say my Verizon account for wifi and my cell phone are no longer. Adjusting to going without anything extra was not a big sacrifice so she could eat and remain out of the shelter. I am accustomed to living on the cheap. BUT the repercussions on my credit report are preventing me from getting an interview let alone hired. I will not regret this but I am becoming frustrated lately. I am run ragged driving my sister daily and then my Dad on my day off to lunch, the store, walmart pharmacy, errands, child visits, bf's grandkids babysitting, dr appointments. My day starts at 5 am and ends at 9:30 pm and I am BEAT. The pot holes and frost heaves have rattled me to extreme irritability. I would not have survivied if I had been a soccer mom. Yesterday, I finally get an interview request, plus she had even called me! This morning when we spoke everything looked great except the only disqualifyer is if a federal student loan was in default. I said, " Ever?" So I am going for the interview and we are going to wait and see if HR allows applicants with now paid student loan debt that was in default. Meanwhile I continue to do more and have more responsibility at work in a capacity I am not trained in for the same money. The prognosis for most of the clients here is NOT good. It is discouraging and I see why there is a high burn out and turnover working the the recovery field. We ask people with extensive criminal records to walk MILES to the nearest town and apply for jobs in the cold. They have no phone, laptop, inet or transportation. And if I am struggling to get a job and survive at my rate of poverty pay scale then how many challenges are they to overcome to remain sobr and out of jail? No rent=no roof. The shift to transitional living is here and I do not anticipate it fairing well in this area of impoverished milltowns. The next blog post is going ot be titled 'Funny shit my sister says' There is a wombat in the tree" "It is not illegal to be an oracle" " I am dowsing your job fate" ( with yarn and coathanger) " I can go to Pakistan for 6 months out of the year" "I am not posting too much on facebook" ( nearly kicked out of the library) " You(me) are going to be the richest woman in the world with this whistleblower lawsuit' ( I still have no lawyer no ratainer fee and no idea how to fiel one on my own and statue of limitations is near running out. I am gaining weight and have bald spot on my eyelid fucking ocd. What I need to do is quit smoking and get back on my exercise routine. If I used the tools and program I have used successfully for nearing 17 years to my nicotine addiciton I woul dbe free of it. Then I could stop bitching about money. Supplying her and me for the year is partially responsible for us not having a cell phone too. I hope I can get the mower fixed so I can work outside this spring. The gardens I started mean nothing without Ginger and Chelsea. I'm STILL grieving the loss of my dog(s). I am experiencing very littel joy in my life. I am relieved that the crisis has passed, that my sister is taking her meds, bt I have not felt like ME in such a long time. I miss my life, my room, my things, my BOOKS, my kitchen utensils, my bed and my remote. Living with my boyfriend who is a crab ass is something ELSE. Paying him to use hios words as weapons daily berating me for caring for my Dad and sis and ressenting each and every trip I make there. I love them both. She makes me laugh every day. I just cannot share my room with her or live with her in the kitchen'living room. I enjoy living in a functional home with my bf. The pipes still burst over there though. I will never escape. I love my Dad and his irritability, restlessness, and perpetual discontent has all but vanished compared ot the old days. All he asks for is teh NYTimes Crossword and to go to the grocery store. Why would my signifigant other resent this? I got the oil changed in my car ALREADY. Leave it alone. I will not look back on this time and wish I was less involved in mySLEF and my BF, or long for the opportunity to love the both of them. we are all sick and everyone deserves love. Noone isbeing enabled. Noone is drinking in thathome. That is a miracle. I am determined to continue ot be an example of sobreity, and support my sister's recovery. Dad will always be closer to Hitchens than to Wilson and he will never comprehend ' take what you want and leave the rest'. All of the bumper stickers and magnets in recovery are not fooling him. Or me. Anyway my heart CAN be in 2 places and more! I worked too hard to be punished fofr the love I try to give. And I fall short every day. So when when I am home by 6 I am chastised. Could he really be jealous of the attention I am giving to them? The conversations are just reduced to griping at me. I have not gone to the movies in 5 years nevermind a trip anywhere. I am sorry but a 12 step meeting is NOT date night. Not even close. Instead of being Ungrateful I should suggest that one night a week we do something together that doe snot involve arguing about money. March is a treacherous month.I am not inspired to knit compulsively anymore and the ground is still frozen so I cannot plant any seeds. "Be always with people who inspire you; surround yourself with people who lift you up. Do not let your resolutions and positive thinking be poisoned by bad company. Even if you cannot find good company to inspire you, you can find it in meditation. The best company you can have is the joy of meditation." Paramahasa Yogananda