Tuesday


Dad stumbled out of the pizza joint today. He forgot to write the check for his lunch, and then forgot to tip my friend, who owns the place and she graciously said not to worry about it he is just a big teddy bear, mY ASS I am mortified. Getting a 300 lb 6 ft 2 man up 3 stairs and back to his couch was terrifying. He nearly fell and I did not need a repeat of Christmas. My sister decided to sleep, she had her contraception installed this morning while Dad was at his Coumadin clinic. Yesterday her food card and Medicaid was off and I redid her paperwork. She is not as helpless as she was a year ago but I did not feel like driving 4 times back and forth. I just redid it and crossed my fingers. I have not enough money to drive to work and keep us smoking until Monday when I get my check, and am sitting using welfare inet at MCDonald's. I drove away so frustrated because Dad was growling at the remote and vocalizing while the TV's picture is scrambled. I asked if it was broken as it is about 25 years old and he hollered, "NOOOO". I , fantasize about my great escape on the ride home driving 30 mph awaiting his blood sugar to drop so we can successfully get him back inside. Long BEach NY.....I could leave my car for them and GO start over. Yet my heart is in this with the two of them I can never leave, no matter how many resumes I submit I am destined to work in a job I do not agree with any longer, and dedicate my life to ensuring they have what they need, she takes her meds and enjoys her life a bit, and he does the NYT crossword for fun. Neither of them ask for anything exceptional or indulgent. The least I can do is be there. I drive away today feeling like a jerk for not spending the rest of my day off cleaning. I let my Dad sit in a filthy old rotting 300 yr old house. I do not help anymore clean the bathroom and vacuum, I am not cleaning my old apt for my sister who is not even working. My goal is to save 50 bucks for seeds and carve out a spot for some gardening. I will celebrate 17 YEARS of sobriety and I cannot make a living, cannot drive to see ANYONE on my days off, and I cannot see where I went wrong. I work helping people ( I have had ENOUGH of junkies in free treatment thank you very much and the business of treatment is disgusting)I am NOT inspired ot finish my psych degree or become a LADC, no... and am failing to see rewards I never took an oathe of poverty in exchange for being sober. The obvious lack of college completion is a factor but again without support I cannot see working full time and going into debt ...ugh NOT feeling grateful feeling like a big fat loser.Thank god for my sister because she in all her wackiness makes me laugh every day. THis is the longest in over a year she has not had any psychosis HAPPY DAYS thank you abilify.... I know I need ot exercise, stop smoking and get my ass in gear, I am someone that NEEDS to be active and I am not since my dog died, NO excuse period..I wish other people knew my Dad was not like that the whole rest of the week, he is sober as a judge and sits on the couch watching Discovery channel.

Friday

Student Loan Be Gone!

When I received a small tax refund I thought that there must have been a mistake. I used it to pay a portion of taxes to the town in lieu of rent from my sister for my Dad. We had a great lunch at the Soup Gallery and I learned that my computer is not worth repairing. I filled the tank up and brought sister to get contacts. A small copay for her and voila, she can see. THAT must not have helped her mental health over the last year. I have nearly 20/20 vision and cannot fathom living within a further blurred world view. A statement from the IRS indicating the difference applied to my debt and the balance owed being zero was in the mailbox. This is a relief. I In the last 8 years I had 2 decent jobs and two job losses at the 3 year point. During each I set up repayment plans based on my earnings and forbearing both ove the years it seemed insurmountable. I will not borrow any money for education again. I am determined to get a job again with benefits and real tuition reimbursement. For some reason I receive delayed email rejections from jobs I am qualified for. I have had rejections in email for two straight YEARS. Job searching has been reduced to an online series of questions that should not be asked according to exisitng labow laws until after hiring starting with a credit check and ending with a track age questionare and disability, ethnicity, and veteran status. In this economy, and having had to unexpectedly support my 40 year old sister on 8 bucks an hour take home for the last year let's just say my Verizon account for wifi and my cell phone are no longer. Adjusting to going without anything extra was not a big sacrifice so she could eat and remain out of the shelter. I am accustomed to living on the cheap. BUT the repercussions on my credit report are preventing me from getting an interview let alone hired. I will not regret this but I am becoming frustrated lately. I am run ragged driving my sister daily and then my Dad on my day off to lunch, the store, walmart pharmacy, errands, child visits, bf's grandkids babysitting, dr appointments. My day starts at 5 am and ends at 9:30 pm and I am BEAT. The pot holes and frost heaves have rattled me to extreme irritability. I would not have survivied if I had been a soccer mom. Yesterday, I finally get an interview request, plus she had even called me! This morning when we spoke everything looked great except the only disqualifyer is if a federal student loan was in default. I said, " Ever?" So I am going for the interview and we are going to wait and see if HR allows applicants with now paid student loan debt that was in default. Meanwhile I continue to do more and have more responsibility at work in a capacity I am not trained in for the same money. The prognosis for most of the clients here is NOT good. It is discouraging and I see why there is a high burn out and turnover working the the recovery field. We ask people with extensive criminal records to walk MILES to the nearest town and apply for jobs in the cold. They have no phone, laptop, inet or transportation. And if I am struggling to get a job and survive at my rate of poverty pay scale then how many challenges are they to overcome to remain sobr and out of jail? No rent=no roof. The shift to transitional living is here and I do not anticipate it fairing well in this area of impoverished milltowns. The next blog post is going ot be titled 'Funny shit my sister says' There is a wombat in the tree" "It is not illegal to be an oracle" " I am dowsing your job fate" ( with yarn and coathanger) " I can go to Pakistan for 6 months out of the year" "I am not posting too much on facebook" ( nearly kicked out of the library) " You(me) are going to be the richest woman in the world with this whistleblower lawsuit' ( I still have no lawyer no ratainer fee and no idea how to fiel one on my own and statue of limitations is near running out. I am gaining weight and have bald spot on my eyelid fucking ocd. What I need to do is quit smoking and get back on my exercise routine. If I used the tools and program I have used successfully for nearing 17 years to my nicotine addiciton I woul dbe free of it. Then I could stop bitching about money. Supplying her and me for the year is partially responsible for us not having a cell phone too. I hope I can get the mower fixed so I can work outside this spring. The gardens I started mean nothing without Ginger and Chelsea. I'm STILL grieving the loss of my dog(s). I am experiencing very littel joy in my life. I am relieved that the crisis has passed, that my sister is taking her meds, bt I have not felt like ME in such a long time. I miss my life, my room, my things, my BOOKS, my kitchen utensils, my bed and my remote. Living with my boyfriend who is a crab ass is something ELSE. Paying him to use hios words as weapons daily berating me for caring for my Dad and sis and ressenting each and every trip I make there. I love them both. She makes me laugh every day. I just cannot share my room with her or live with her in the kitchen'living room. I enjoy living in a functional home with my bf. The pipes still burst over there though. I will never escape. I love my Dad and his irritability, restlessness, and perpetual discontent has all but vanished compared ot the old days. All he asks for is teh NYTimes Crossword and to go to the grocery store. Why would my signifigant other resent this? I got the oil changed in my car ALREADY. Leave it alone. I will not look back on this time and wish I was less involved in mySLEF and my BF, or long for the opportunity to love the both of them. we are all sick and everyone deserves love. Noone isbeing enabled. Noone is drinking in thathome. That is a miracle. I am determined to continue ot be an example of sobreity, and support my sister's recovery. Dad will always be closer to Hitchens than to Wilson and he will never comprehend ' take what you want and leave the rest'. All of the bumper stickers and magnets in recovery are not fooling him. Or me. Anyway my heart CAN be in 2 places and more! I worked too hard to be punished fofr the love I try to give. And I fall short every day. So when when I am home by 6 I am chastised. Could he really be jealous of the attention I am giving to them? The conversations are just reduced to griping at me. I have not gone to the movies in 5 years nevermind a trip anywhere. I am sorry but a 12 step meeting is NOT date night. Not even close. Instead of being Ungrateful I should suggest that one night a week we do something together that doe snot involve arguing about money. March is a treacherous month.I am not inspired to knit compulsively anymore and the ground is still frozen so I cannot plant any seeds. "Be always with people who inspire you; surround yourself with people who lift you up. Do not let your resolutions and positive thinking be poisoned by bad company. Even if you cannot find good company to inspire you, you can find it in meditation. The best company you can have is the joy of meditation." Paramahasa Yogananda

Sunday

Manos of Urguay Wool Hat at last!

Thrilled.......It actually fits a human head....this is amajor life event. I have another one finished here that came out like a roll brim hat on Size 8 double pointed needles. My sister is home again.I got her a fruit cake to celebrate her 40th birthday last night. Luckily she appreciates my dry humor. We met a lovely family in visiting hours who's mom spoke fluent Italian and Dad spoke fluent CRAZY and had 30 years of sobriety. It was wonderful. She has agreed to me monitoringher meds so it makes for along day. IF she fails to comply and becomes symptomatic then she will be court ordered to injectionalble long acting admistration with a petition for my guardianship via the Dr. This is the last thing that I want her to experience and the nothing I am interested in doing at all. Her recent epeisode was so severe that I drove her straight to the ER and she pulled the E brake and leapt out of the car demanding protection from her cohorts inte FBI and CIA. To see her tlaking to 428 people at once was horrifying, plus hse had disturbing beliefs about waht lies behind the ground cover out back. I remain convinced this is what our Mom had or scitrzo-affective disorder but the NH Hospital is staying with her current diagnosis of biploar... a fad diagnosis, when she is in the exact same condition as the other scitzophrenics on the unit. At least we managed to have food stamp benefits after 11 months and a disabilty case worker who communicates and calls me. At least some of her dignity is restored that is until my father goes over and pulls the electric heater cord. A pipe burst and now the same exact lfood is happening that I spent a summer repairing the damage from. She just threw a sweatshirt over the puddle last night and returned to watching tv and decided to stay in. I was relieved and tired and did not want to be out for another 3 hours. Although I love my tiem with Dad, especially liek last night when we have public radio on and I am further educated about most any piece of music playing I was BEAT. I am looking forward to seeing her after work and hopefully visiting either her son or the Carey kids. I miss them a lot. I am increasingly sick of the perma sneeze at work. I realize this is part of working in a treatment center but I am much dismayed about the change in my role and not at all interested in becoming a counselor. I miss my LIFE, I lack privacy even in my own recovery now after everythign else that made me independently me has changed this year. If my boyfriend continues to be a grouchasaurus wreck every morning I may insist on returnign to my apt. I am missing the life I had fir the last 10 years and my dog so much. I miss living alone and I know that sharing my place with her would be challenging to say the least. I just drive so much right now after work to meetings back home to drop her off, all of her and my father's errand running and when I get home I just want to sleep. My friend took me to see Dave MAtthews for helping her move and then I gto to see my nephew and neice and that was most fun I have had in years. I miss my dog and my exercise routine. I just cannot even walkt here without here so instead I have compensated for it with an increase in smoking and junk food.

Tuesday

My sister is back at the hospital and will not be coming home. ever. She nearly burnt the house down. All of my stuff is gone, glassware books my yarn collection, imprtant and unimportant papers, art supplies hers and mine my Dad called terrified..... She said she was helping with recycling...... He had to douse water out there at 2 am on Sunday night. the dirveway wa so hot there is a holein it, and my weber grill is piled with crap that is melted and there are charred remains of my/ourlife all over the LAWN. The barn looks like a tazmanian devil went through it. The electronics were broken and taken apart. :-( Poor thing I am so glad she did not hurt herslef or Dad or burn the house down. I will be there after work to do more clean up. I am shocked and grief stricken, I think she is gone beyond recall. She did not have any medicine.