Pinky Swear?

Being an approval and validation wh**r* myself I always feel surprised and so comforted when women come up after to say things like that was real and thanks for your  complete and raw honesty it was so moving, etc etc. I feel all light and burdenfree, back in my happy accepteance of all the things in my life and the courage to change the people that I can... jk...

I started feeling the familiar neurotically charged nerve twitch in my head that starts when I am unable to get my sister on the phone and posts on her 'wall' indicate major changes chaos and more.... Then the turmoil, the kind that you cannot recall that glory of the happy mtg and room overflowing with people who care about you, and you love them back, the air is not 14 degrees below zero, and your dog is not dying, your Dad and your apt are not decaying like the final scene in last pm's Hoarder's episode, the kind that you droll over the cell phone staring into lost time when  her kids were actually still apart of your life.
Not just mere casualties in her succession of false starts/(abusive men) and all an outright refusal to be alone for more than an hour?

I got to hear his VOICE on the phone today.. the rescuer of the week?

NO, she could not just complete her after care, go to therapy and or get an apt alone  so what if had to be subsidized for awhile... Now I am thinking about mySELF ..., because now my nephew is even further away....and every kid in my heart  in my life's mums are relapsing perpetually unwilling to love themselves and or be alone, some are financially  strapped some are capable of being alone but none will do it. NO
we must imprison our spirits by choosing these animals. This one broker her glasses, cheats whatever loafs and mooched for a year though I am unaure what is the truth. She did get arrested for a fake oxy script.

I know her , her voice, her pattern, her heart, she is my sister. I know this is another escape from another poor choice because i have been there. I just did no have kids. I get attached to other ppl's kids and then want to be there for them and when I cannot I feel so goddamn sickened by the boyfriend being the new priority.
My poor little nephew will have to start yet another school after making friends  this year...ugh.
Otherwise she is good working full time and who knows. I just heard what this idiot said and how this sick fuck  made my lil guy cry.... last week he told him that he ( and my sister) somehow killed his dog? Apprently this was taken from the The Idiot's Guide to psychological Torture... The dog was not dead and at his brother's.



SO yeah I ( we?) babysat  yesterday and learned about pinky swearing. As we fell asleep for a nap she peed on the potty prior and is almost , 80% potty trained. That is just insane because I changed her first diaper in the hospital. I thought it was a BAND AID. She was so small I was so terrified to hold her. Now I drag her around in a sled. This is the GIFT for me today. Unfortunately everything else sucks.

e I would.... now I cannot remember!! Oh well better get used to it kid..

Every child I love or have love or will love will be seeing me in straight jacket imminently.

I am not able to succinctly describe a sensitive issue to any one that has remnants left of a brain in my life.



I was hollered at for using his precious point and shhoot chep camera to take this nice chickadee, a male, a couple of morning's ago.


I am alone,( in my head) not alone like in my APT breathing in kerosene soaking in SOOT alone with my own remote and coffee pot. Just cannot take the toxic fumes and will be over to check on Dad and my again WOG in the am...
I am sorting it out in Dana's warm house hoping he does not open his mouth while I am trying to think....
I am in my chair, quietly processing all of this ....he is farting, discreetly......I need money and propane.


I may soon rant about it uncensored.

I pinky swear.