The greatest irony of my life thus far has transpired this week. My raison d'etre has moved to NY. In my most creative dreams I never imagined my niece adn nephew both living in NY, or their Dad for that matter. he is Mic Mac Indian, and when he and my sister divorced he was still here in NH. He pursued work to reenter the ironworkers union in NY, and long ago noone ever knew why I lived there, and were happy when I fleed the city to be close to the kids. Well on my flickr you will see the pictures of her early childhood, and then her brother's arrival and our special relationship. I am now wondering what it isthat brings joy to my heart. I know now it is love, and a force that transcends the absolute destruction of families , my own and my friend's. I have always known it was that, and no dogma was required for me or any religous faith. It started when I was mad with my addictions but sane enough to question the meaning of my sobreity when I first experienced life? I have a purpose always in self preservation and helping others achieve sobreity. But my heart has always been somehow hoping to prevent them from suffering the pains of their mother's or their own substance abuse. Finding a truant child half dressed with bruises from reckless 'high risk behavior' and see in her face the same little girl that swore she'd NEVER USE as she watched me recieve my medallions in AA, annually since she was a baby... GOD WHO???I always said I hoped this was true but being a teen somehow changes everything. Long story short my sister has proven herself to be incapable of maintaining a safe home for her daughter, and the DAD my hero has stepped in and now has his son and daughter full time. A week ago I felt the chaos was insurmountable and the state interevend , for sure my fmaily had fallen apart and my 13 yr old niece would end up in a 'home'. I of course an option though facing another round of layoffs and barely surviving financially I felt liekan absolute loser. She was almost with me too but her 'friends' now have cars being wiht her Dad is far better if there will be any hopes of getting her on track. Ok so do I follow her back to my life I deserted in NY? Pondering...
My dog and garden are the sources of peace and inspiration but this is so lonely. My father cares less about me, it seems he took my heater when it ws 15 degress, and as long as he has his money he's all set. Though he's told me he appreaciates me and would never make it without me, I cannot live for him or my boyfriend, nor my friends. The reason I never went back to NY for far better opportunity than affords me in Cow Hampshire was that I did not want to miss them grow up. And that they might need me, and now I have nonest to have empty nest over anyway so get a life Becca. I am tired and not making sense I am sure but I know that she starts her forst day tomorrow form an all white rural high school in New England to Curtis in Staten Island, where she appears top eb the only white girl. She said it wa snot like when my Dad taught music in Boces prograin NY, where my sister ( her mom) was beaten in Westbury in 7th grade until she looked tlaked and acted black.... I told her to sya she is WOO HOOOOOO indian and prevent any assumptions about being a rich white girl from New England.
How many of these kids have addicted mothers? How many of them are under drug testing and sexually active at 13, 14? Is this normal today? I thnk when she sees the real world her shame and heartbreak over her mother may fade a bit and she will feel lucky to have her Dad at all. lets hope it is enough to instill some self esteem and interest in school.
I cannot wiat to get back and vist Victoria in the village and go to the Strand, Coral Dylan and Greg Witchel, and Lisle, and then aunt Diane, and Eric in Long Beach. George says there is a botanical garden right outside of their apt too!