Friday night my dearest and nearest at this point, oldest ( non program) friend came for my anniversary and it was such a gift. The people I care about showed up but I was forlorn that my niece and nephew were not in attendance. I can find any number of reasons to move back to the city, when I am in my head too much and planning my next escape. What is it with people and plans on the weekend? I being flexible because I am flighty was clear about exactly what I wanted to do on Saturday. Bitch boy was staying home with his grandkids for the day and I was working out in my yard, going to softball game and marinating meat to feed whoever wanted to eat. All I wanted was the kids here to play outside for a couple of hours while I got my crap taken care of. Every Saturday it is the same routine for me, organize trash, recycling bins, get mower ready, weed gardens, and in between get distracted and buzz around with the camera and or get on computer for a BIT. As in PEACE. NO. Bitch boy and POPAJAZZMANADRINKUSMAXIMUS decided to take my inventory, in my apartment, before I had enough coffee to retort or defend myself. I reminded Dad I fork over nearly every minute penny I earn to live here, BOUGHT when I worked 65 hrs a week craftsman mower, weedwacker, charcoal bricquets, birdseed, garden seed, and do all related LABOR saving him hundreds a year. BitchBoy said I do not need a phone or computer. I reminded him that just because he is computer illiterate, and therefore jealous, threatened and insecure due to DELL laptop he can BITE ME. I am never talking to MEN online ever nor am I accused of that he just resents the hell out of anythign and anyone that has my attention. Four year old boy you're guessing? NO 44 yr old finace.
I have worked, aborted due to lack of funds for the most dramatic example of my living within my means, not finished college, and basically have no luxuries in my life. Never once any vacation, never do I mani pedi, I do my own hair for 6 bucks every few months, and day care for EVERYONE for free incessantly, as I am a sober woman who believes the part of the big book that says ' constant thought of others' I have HAND SHOVELED this monstrous driveway, nearly died pushing father out of GARDEN SNOWBANK annually when he misses the road each and every storm, making me late for work, listened to the daily re-cap of the blood sugar chronicles and congestive heart failure observations all after his restaurant critiques after continuing to GORGE and have bi weekly now weekly allottment of drinkat inferior locale. He to his credit has not brought any booze into his home since the hospitalization, and I know there is not reggae herbs here because he wanted to seed some in my garden. SO You know WTF? Did I mention maid service and laundry on Sundays? In between all of this I care for my dog and have to keep Bitch Boys sex needs met. You know because I am sooo happy to spend my days not miserbale cubicle working for YOU BOTH. I went from taking home 700 to 360.00 a WEEK DAMN RIGHT my bills are unpoaid and I will lose my car ....I get all of the HEADACHES and NONE of the security. Utterly USELESS.
( His positive attributes are many I am just not that INTO him today)
So I am a selfish bitch for working outside until the softball game and worse for inviting anyone other than HIM to MY home. You know I was looking at my photos and I have watched these kids in my life grow and spent afternoons with them intermittently for years before I was in this relationship. No man is going to dictate to me my schedule and or guilt trip me for not doing his kid watch. I had proof because I planned on going to my high school reunion this weekend and never once committed to him. SO he nursed the resentment all day like a good 15 yr sober alcoholic and berated me until I said how in the hell do expect us to get MARRIED? He actually looked at my Dad and said the coffee and cigarettes are another expense.
HMMM lets talk about TEXAS HOLD "EM and tournaments, foxwoods and your 'pleasures' and what a cool fuking chick I am I dont CALL I don't harang I don't question your finances, I am happy that you have fun and it is not a problem. Just a fitting example of how much control my BitchBoy has and needs. ;-)
9 am: "why don't you BOTH fuck OFF , YOU old ogre, get out of my wallet and YOU freakish boyfriend get out of my life and my underwear.
Does anyone regret marriage? If so send me an SOS because I am seriously considering the fact I am happiest in my garden with my dog, and giving up this fight.
MARITAL DISHARMONIOUS SPIRIT KILLER? I think this is a thoughtful post I found this evening though
I was happy in between all of this when I accomplished exactly what I meant to , and got pictures, kids ( if you don't know me I have none of my own but a FEW that I adore and work to be consistently present for) were happy and I was happy until Bitch boy arrived on motorcycle.
Today, I meditated and will be happy as a clam using my friends weedwacker and clearing a little space to the creek, and planting carrot seeds. Maybe I can juice as my friend suggested beets with them and get HEALTHY.