serenity NOW!!!!

Out to Pasture

You would think that someone with a respectable amount of sober time would not have made financial decisions based on over time earnings. Bear in mind my job was eliminated. I however, was NOT. Amongst the living after the bloodbath at a life insurance company and now facing an insurmountable pile of bills, I question my sanity.
Or lack there of. Oh boy one minute I am
MEN Can't live with 'em CAN live without them... next I am wondering why I never had the good sense to marry or at least cohabitate and split the living expenses. I am one seeping resentment away from suffocating him as he has the unmitigated nerve to watch HANNITY while I call my bank and post date my car payment, and defer two months of payments. I also lapsed on insurance. Yes. WHY? Working full time, I take home enough to dole it out to PAPAIrritablenDiscontented formerly Papa's Got a Brand New Bag jazz professor, pay our cable bill, and do all of the maintnance here in the mold infested rotting house for not even a 50 dollar break. Yes did Mention said Sears mower also purchased by ME? It's not RIGHT.
I need a vacation of ACOA intensive therapy. AM I one of those doomed adult children who retrun sober doomed never to separate again? DO you ever miss the BALLS you had active and even into parts of recovery? When the fuck did I become such a bleeding heart? I should buck UP and go watch Hannity. Reminds me of the portion I caught on Here and Now NPR on lunch today with the discussion of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged and how the young are liberal because they are naive and the in age comes conservatism.
I say in the ICED AGE came my conservatism last winter.. NO idea how I will pay for heat this year. NO idea how I could ever marry this guy in my bedroom right now. WHAT is WRONG WITH ME? He is a great man, good man, Dad grampa and BEST AA er ever, even ( we live in NH where reproducing is part of the coming of AGE... SO if I marry him I am GRANNY twice already.
I feel liek I skipped over MY Life and am living not in martydom but ina fantasy world where we all work together to keep this HOME, this un-buildable thankfully parcel of land, fix up the house andall the kids I love are are running around weeded gardens living off of the LAND and happy.
Kids are raging at my slut-slurster, and Dana wont let anyone including my dog scratch his floors, I like it here alone in my apt with my dog expenses and all.
SO my Liabilites ( actual) page printed thrice on the floor...
and my assets? a big fat ZERO where once was my great ass

I always chuckle at meetings when I hear the ' most alcoholics are in a high earning bracket' or something to tht effect. NOt round heee- UH , the wicked SOBAH kids are all single parents, in Section 8, getting food stamps and educated while I work my ass of in a menial job and cannot afford groceries and do not qualify for help because we aborted, I aborted prior, lets not add to the over population and risk the scitzophrenia gene flooding the POOL and the bipolar die alone of alcoholic dementia gene to boot. RAMPANT.
Look, I'm just saying I am responsible for my mess, I am cleaning it up I work, babysit, clean etc and have been trying HARD no to resent my 'partner' for living in a beautiful home alone complaining about taxes, and nev er helping me with ONE bill but somehow going to Foxwoods periodically.

I just IRKS me.


Let me ponder some of these:

self esteem
Personal Relations
Emotional Security
Sex Relations
Selfish, Self centered,Egotistical
AMBITIONS???? it's been tooooo long my friend

My spiritual tool kit is drenched and has been rained on, top off under gutters rain on. By ME.

But how about a peaceful picture that shows my inner romantic.


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