infantalizing life cicumstances

Before I go into the fear and self pity I am living in let me preface this with my personal accountability statement.
When I made enough money to pay my bills and purchase food five years consistently I chose to get a used car. I chose to obtain a cell phone, and to remain living here assisting my Dad, next door and preserving my independence.
8 months later my job was eliminated. Out of over 200 people I was kept, in secret, and am employed but in a lesser job with no ot. IN this economy I was eter nally grateful and am today to have a job. However.........

It seems my Dad ALWAYS gets paid every period. I told him for the last 3 months I need to pay for my vehicle. I threatened to discontinue Direct tv and ANIMAL PLANET. I have not purchased food in two months. I scavenge, use my payroll cafeteria card and suck it up bc my boyfriend reminds me what a PIECE of crap I am for getting myself in over my head. I find this interesting see attached photo f his HOME, ad nauseum. I, l;ive in a leaking mold infested rotting farm house and do ALL of the work maintenance gadrening etc because well, I do LOVE it here. I have a DOG, and privacy, relative peace and quiet ( joke everyones dead form Alcoholism and other mental abberations). My Dad has not brought a lick of booze into his home for nearly two years. I am either in need of intensive therapy again or I am doing the right thing staying here. I pay only 600 in rent. My take home pay is 340 ( down from 560) YES c'est vrai.... SO I take out the cash give it on time, if not in his hand he has his tyrannical tantrums and I and reduced ot the tortured child state. I pay really for the taxes on this labd. My Dad has nothing nor buys anything for himself. No need for me to take his inventory and call hiom a selfish prick. This monrings morning coffee commentary and offer of support ?
" I will get you to work" My car is in reposession, I am 14 yrs sober and frankly am near in need of a psych admit.
His truck by the way last time I rode in it the seatbelt strap left a skid mark of BLACK mold across my work shirt when my car was inspected.
I have 168 friends on facebook and not one person in my life who can ever provide any help ever. It feels like shit when a male friend at work says hey I just gave 1k to my daughter and if you were NICER to me I'd help you out.
No thanks and get in line. I DO know married older men with more money than you I can go fuck for help.
I choose to die inside and not sleep at night and be ridiculed by my partner. He has the nerve and I reminded him he lived at HOME for 8 years saving ot build his home. Mother fucker I have not had a break since I was 17 years old and moved here. NOw I am back, never to seperate again. The Italin in me is righteous about family sticks with family. The irish in me screams at my poor disabled Dad when I am terrified about the winter and having ot call the bank and set up a meeting to return my car. ther german in me want to MISERY both the mother fuckers and then well start over room by room.
ressentment with bitch boy two is misacarriage a month ago and DnC two years ago meanwhile friends all around us rerpoduced including his daughter when noone can afford it and I am an AHOLE for stating that I deserve to own a USED SUBARU dykemobile and do NOT want to regret my SURRENDER to the FACTS that I can NOT have children, because I cannot provide for one.
Lets see though HAD i been selfish I would in NH be in school full time with paid for daycare, all my friends feeding and daycaring on the only days off because you have KIDS and are so fucking HELPESS.....I would also receive heat assistance and food stamps. Instead I pay 649 bucks for five weeks of heat last yr with no rent reduction and a downward spiral I am afriad I am not going to overcome.

My slef esteem is in the sewer. I felt so well, and adult and good about myslef when I was able to pay my bills. And I reallly really help others on my only days off see all of my photos and no one is ever there for me and I in soooooo much PAIN right now


  1. Pain is in the air it seems. I've read several posts today of people in trouble. I hope you get out of your slump soon!