Lacking in AWE I am! I was once was all 'Aglow' just beaming confidence in that mystical force combined with the 12 step transformation that has kept me sober and eager to help anyone needing it. The miracle of my existence for a 'mere twenty four little hours' (Cole Porter I believe originally coined that one)without ingesting narcotics or vodka was enough to feed the infinite sense of gratitude necessary for to NOT INGEST IT. This has recently eluded me after a reading at a regular Big Book meeting of the Family Afterward chapter. It is one contradiuction after another in what sounds like an archive of early cell division in the nuclear family. I was not blocking the sunlight of the spirit with the editing voices in my head, it was not about the structure it was about the story. I was NOT suffering from arrogance, nor blacking out GOD 43 times a page with my sharpie. The last 3 attempts at this group have left more befuddled than I was at 3 am when geriatric bartender no longer wanted to have sex with me. My good brain said STOP the criticism and open to the concepts above these words. Well sorry I just cannot do it. I mean family afterward applies to me and most people men and women I know as much as sentiment in a Hallamrk does for my FAMILY of origin. I do not NEED to replace GOD with Higher power and HE with SHe and ad nauseum to get a message. I have cared little about that REALLY! I care about the change that happenes when I am inspired after reading about people I could know. I cannot tolerate regurgiationg the same sections weekly monthly annually with little time for sharing. Perhaps the fact the the state prison and state hospital provide 75% of our attendess in this sad state capitol that I live, But no that scapegoat is the only HEART I see lately. A share coming for the newly released prisoner who has no idea how to survive outside or the person who's Dr finally discovered that thorzine not prozac was all they needed to get off the locked for life ward and give it a go out here. I laugh and cry with THEM, I love them. It is my UBER Responsible boyfriend that drives me nuts and others like him. The share is often some display regarding his adherence to values unknown prior to sobreity. The heroe of everyday life at last, and he IS. And him always about family. Before I vent also he is the one who gets the rent ot the church and cleans and opens it and DOES the wrok maintain the UNITY in AA. He is the MAN for that! He does not bicker over traditions unless really pushed, and he IS a hero for His family. Although I am though proud of the AA'er and Dad he is, I foundthe reading and his sharewel ....hard to swallow. You see He refused to eat dinner here with my father and I on Christmas. Our future is a joke and I gave the ring back a couple of months ago but what the hell it's CHristmas. He is physically present consistently daily and drives me home from work, cooks, shares food with DAD loves and cares for the sog, and even got me a kerosene heater as an early prtesent. SEE? CAring? Then cruel hypocrisy the man that I see come out when conservative gdamned fox news is snuck on while I am on facebook. Suddenly I realize the man boasting about parenthood and being a GRANDfather at well far too young, ( I am a K9 Mommy) tried to blame ME for the fact I spent the dinner hour next door with DAD and the rest of the day alone. I normally would REVEL in some space was so clinically alcoholic all day that for the first time in MANY MANY years I smelled that wine, and with PAUSE. And though this was aborted before a full craving developed, I realized that It is OK.
I Remember today after a far too long day at work that I am a drunk and an addict and despite what the fuck the big book says in THAT chapter the rest of it educated me on this fact, and that I Most certianly DO need help from something OUTside of ME. Definition so UNnecessary for not taking the first drink or snort or whatever it is you do to excess that hurts you and everyone that loves you.
I most certainly DID follow the advice in the perfectly aniquarian chapter and had myself a GRAZE BINGE fest lonely aisle after lonely aisle in an empty office building strewn with brownie pans cookie sheets and dunkin donut boxes,
all the while looking forward to the spread sure ot be ready at the meeting. YEAH fuck you Dan and for reming me I MIGHT GET a FAT ass (SOMEday again) and your bastardness on holidays when it was not your way.
My ass STILL AINT fat and I grew all my facial hair ( yes neurotic OCS girl disguised for awhile as an esthtician and makeup artist. I work very hard to maintain a low level of anxiety even while I sleep to succeed at ensuring my ass looks good for ME.
perfect a.....(local favorite).. the.............
Segway ......( MALL COP old but HILARIOUS)
New Year's Resolutions:
Ask an alchy about THOSE. ASk one who people who COMMITTED and I mean DAILY 'I am never going to drink again' who called out to work only to get caught on the barstoolagain bc they ran out of coke, the concept of a resolution has about as much weight as ... my nice little over 35 unamrriedbut still I hear FINE ass
Instead of resolutions I prefer I WISH's
They go like this for me
I wish I _____. took that picture wrote that great blog entry, did something for someone else today and NEVER told a soul, had the knitting done for the holiday ON TIME, saved MONEY for gifts, .
This continues on until it ends with a list of said FRIENDS and or former friends who are published authors, accomplished people, parents, photogrpahers, nurses, educators, FIREFIGHTERS, on and on up to and including actual academy award winning writers to grossly famous actors or dancers or actors, even renowned poker players,models, restauranters, ( ny money luanderer I screwed for months and thought we would MARRY eventually)and other self pitying drivel. This list EXCLUDING any actual GOAL or intention to make a plan of action really just anyone I once knew NOT living one day a time doing the time in the cubicle with hand me down clothes. This from the girl who quit Tiffany and CO. on Fifth Ave and gigs as an extra (I was sooo MAKING IT!!!)because consumer-ISM disgusted her?? I never needed any of that shit. I came back to NH to be an AUNT and to live off the land (jk)SO why the long face? AUNT? SIssy got arrested for a fake oxy script, kids are ironically in NYC. LAND? Well land is great, but I cannot use my tractor from Farmville to make us of it. And My reant pays taxes for Dad while the actual structure falls further apart every rain wind or artic temp spell we get. AWESOME. Oh so Why TEARS On Christmas EVE? I would have really just liked the man who's __ I Put in my mouth to have made me a card and eaten some roast beef with the Dad who has noone else left, and afterward shown up together for the Alcathon.
I just want to say that this attitude bitch boy cold shoulder trip was soo NOT what JESUS would have DONE. ( Could NOT resist)
He can go on his merry Miserly way and justify shunning the ATHEISTS and I will NOT believe what I do not WaNT to believe, and he can go on believeing what HE wants ot believe via Hannity and Colmes.
Next TOPIC? Proof positive I AM insane, in case i did not believe the team of DR's loe those many years ago.
I will postcell pics I cannot bear to call them PHOTOS, of his family at his parents with all of their grandkids for their annual gathering. By the way his Mother included me the FIRST year and every year after in a way that means soo much to me, not because I got a yankee canlde too, but because it was teh same for everyone and she writes me name on the bag, and I cannot tell you how much FUN a HUGE family is! WHO KNEW??? One point the herd of elephants was thunderously bounding up the wooden stairs to the kitchen and all of the adults said HEY SLOW DOWN NOOO RUNNING and who's bringing up the rear LEAPING to skip the last three steps yoga stretching my legs and arms in a futile effort to TAG the little RUG RATS hollering "You're sooooo IT!"
I love kids WOW they are the source of love and healing in my life even though I did not get to see Alexandra and George or Maggie Cassie and Liam that day I missed nothing like a 20 month girl who can barely say your name asking for YOU ALL DAY LONG. BeehhhhhKAH" repeat repeat repeat arms UP to my hips UPPP eeeee
Far better than a baseball sized prozac......and that was the momet of clarity I needed. Suddenly I am all 'Blessed' again
thanks if nayone reads this for tolerating my exhuastion and poor typin and poor editing free spazz on here, it was a very necessary cathartic post required for me to sleep tonight