It is my AA anniversary

Robert Browning
"But give them me—the mouth, the eyes, the brow—
Let them once more absorb me! One look now
Will lap me round for ever, not to pass
Out of its light, though darkness lie beyond.
Hold me but safe again within the bond
Of one immortal look! All woe that was,
Forgotten, and all terror that may be,
Defied,—no past is mine, no future! look at me!"

But not via  a facebook post will my status be!

Next rant subject will include Anonymity and facebook 'fiends' of bill wilson  HE IS ROLLING OIN HIS GRAVE IN VT!!!

 Today I celebrate 14 years of sobriety.

It is beautiful out this morning I have one German Shepherd to the rgiht of me, one German Shepherd WOG wolf hybrid to the left of me, and I'm stuck in the middle with Dad. He is haviong coffee and I am trying to think behind my computer on a nightstand coffee table... I am so thankful and I do thank the Gos of my understanding, which is my misunderstanding for my life.  The left dog is 14 now I got her shortly after the relapse and Dad was supposed to watch her for a weekend. I was going to interview then in aesthetics at a Repechage distributor in Newburyport MA. I was then still going to be a makeup artist... I remember poor Kathy and her patience and love throughout my 'outside issues'.... Today I am looking forward to seeing her next weekend her twins and eldest daughter. I have compassion today looking back for how I lived, and more for how I survived. Today I am not ever in fight  flight survival behavior when making major life decisions. I am not always revealing how it really was because of shame. I lived and live with mental aberrations that I wait for this God to remove.
My opinion is I do not have to indoctrinate all of it to be authentically in recovery. I have a higher power and it is a creative process that involves my use of the spiritual appendix in our Big Book.  I question my  duplicity.

To simplify I believe in what I know, experience and then learn to trust. The alphabet and placement is not for me connected to any upbringing with or prior commitments to dogma or religion. It is simple love, unconditional love provided to me when the a saint would have run out of patience I was welcomed back to church basements in NYC, on the Cape, Boston, Northampton Ma, and beyond. Nowhere else on earth have I found where I always leave having heard something I needed, with total nurturing and validation for the ever present sinkhole awaiting me if I ingest said substance. A laugh at what is mental illness Axis I, times 3 or 4, and share something and be loved for it. Something happens in rooms with other drunks that assists us in not picking up the first drink drug or substitute.

Have you heard this one?

'God please help me stay away from a drink, a dink, and Twinkie for the next 24 hours'

YES I am now in my 15th year and full of character 'defects' and the like.
I have no found it necessary to :
pull my eyeleshes and eyebrows out ( longest reprieve in my life yet too... 4 months straight ty Farmville
get married
move in with a man
move period
sabotage my entire life purposefully
emesh with sponsees
lie cheat steal

that being said

I am 14 and going to struggle still with making excuses for being slefish late for work and unavailable lately to the people that do need me....
progress not perfection is acceptable but setting my standards higher for mySELF is the goal.

I am still full of fear and lack of self worth. I will stop feeling like I missed the boat at work reading the financials of people who got educated, married and stayed that way.

Though in between you and me, I wondered why I never found that kind of man...
OH yeah because i have spent 15 years in 12 step meetings I have sobriety and nothing else was promised to me, I was desperate and near death and pursuit of more is indulgent and avoidance.

That is crap!. Yes  I did not drink today.
Am I capable facing and cleaning up the recent wreckage of the AIG fallout and subsequent reduction in my income post credit? No, but I am not going to kill myself over it. Am I terrified YES.

Time to write a letter to the creditors...
I have 2 W 2's showing the abrupt change, minus 8 K bucks but still employed there... I have enough to get to and from work pay my phone and cable and that's it.
I DO want more and better but will I get to work on time to get there? At least today I am breathing yesterday the sinus issue was intensified by the smoke from Canada and the thickest layer of pollen you have ever seen .... I spent a holiday weekend half sicknot THAT is somethign I am sick and tired of being sick and tired over....

It is increasingly difficult to function like this....

No comments:

Post a Comment