HERE We don't GROW Again

Santa List ( ie GOD box WTF?)

For her ....
OH yeah another paradox family cannot help family, but tell an Italian that one with an Irish middle name)

Try to explain just precisely how I recovered in AA , and the book and sponsors being 'godless' in a way that inspires hope and a realistic idea of just how much work it is to be as UNcomfortable as only We know the depths of, and be OK without an imaginary  friend that magically releases us from  all fear doubt and insecurity ...
Footwork is what follows the first item on my list....for my bf's grown daughter with 2 kids that I love.

Her we don't grow again in the maze of my life.. Dead sponsees and 'balemeless children' I  grieve over... The MOTHERS should  SOBEr not the AUNT, the mother should be in therpay and meetings, not the FRIEND, the sponsor alone baffled .. WHY am I feeling this ? Am I EMESHED? OR am I sober and feleling and LOVING and  living with ' the constant thought of others' and trying to be helpful?
Helpful  is not do for, and I have what appears to be a healthy interdependence developing with this man after 5 years. I am writing because he left for a day. I can exhale and say wow. I have not lived with anyone else for 8 YEARS I am 37!
WHY AM I HERE?
 I can only lead and not RUN thorough to the dead ends and collapse depleted...THE artificial realtionships in AA groups are sickening me lately. I know I know... I AM.
Trying a different meeting again until I reframe my perception and attitude.

ok...

 Sparing the drama post, you know the drill, Domestic violence, blew OVER and I was watching the kids and I  ( ME! ) did not even notice the smell of alcohol. THis a month after the other incident....
She , ?where right now? Getting 2 kittens.... I am " the ONLY p[erson who says anything positive to her when she is excited about anything new"  (or changes she is making)

Praying to the GOD that I do not believe in worked for my alcohol/drug problem. Today I need fresh AIR so I can breathe... and talk with my sponsor incessantly... so I can see when and if I am messing UP. (Dare yee betray that which saved your life? Bethrothed...or be stricken DRUNK?)
OK ENOUGH that is blurring the lines in recovery wihtin the 2nd step... [GOD ( is LOVE) to me and all around me.
IN this LOVING presence or as I try to change how it is I love or my capacity to do so, am I

Enabling, approval seeking, fixing, peacemaking, avoiding ( me)etc sigh well here goes after  this month of complete chaos....  aND UPHEAVAL all based in alcoholism as multigenerational and colocated for SURE on the DSM....

My Santa List....

Bottom

no jail time

2 1/2 year old girl here with her Mom and at her Dad's on Christmas

A qualified therapist with  a NO BS style schooled and experienced with the the addicted family dynamics and ACOA that can sell the benefits of a 12 step program to an adult child.....

for BOTH of the parents

and Colby the 6 year old to not be yelled before her hearing when she gets before the judge to beg for her daughter back... that being tomorrow  am is going to be fun....

I get to the early meeting tonight.... and unemployment comes before July. 

That I can be happy I get the whole house alone where I am WARM and not being asked for money from my Dad or bf. 

Fuckers..I cashed my retirement and exhausted myself spending .... THIS I did AFTER paying my cell , cable and rent bills past due AND a month ahead. Then I could shop for children ahppily. BUT What I THOUGHT was 240 owed turned into the ghost of a home built on a foundation of insanity with an upsiude down heat system resulting in the decline of all things Rebecca.... After the RE_org... part 1 was a back heat bill whrere they banged me for 600 bucks and then I resentfully went to the dollar store... I have no heat still.
And you know I actually do a LOT for other people and it was pinted out to me that noone helps me out. Is this WHY I am so generous when I do have? I want people to know how much I care, miss, feel, and think about them when they are such special kids. And yet I am unable to fix some problems and I surrendered them to my HP. AND am paying rent anf NOT staying there.  at least it is not Papa's got a brand new bag anymore on my paycheck!
I cannot buy heat. I will not buy heat. The pipes froze 3 times already with propane the heat goes UP not IN. I lost the OT see past blogs and had a pay plan for my last bill. I heated with a portable Kerosene tank last year. Adult acne anyone?Psychosis via inhalation  of fumes made me question if I needed a 24 hour chip last year. I refuse to inhgale kerosene fumes and or moild and anycombination of it anymore.
Period I will put up with the BS until spring. ( BS means BF demanding any money I have after DAD landlord gets his.... ) WTF sigh.
Not much I can do whilst unemployed.
How can i be HELPFUL? Let me list the ways ... How have I been helpful? I am trying though it is unorganized and unscheduled I am prepared to make holiday cookies,  have a knit party, sing with kids, run with scissors (jk) and the like. Just as soon as I am somewhere that someONE can handle a little flour or sugar on the table and floor....AND their family is in tact to have such activities with. AND put off doing this with my own niece and nephew and hope we get to spend time with the other kids in my heart/life.

It is ok...I could not afford to order and heat and I refuse to get another 800 bill to heat a 2 room apt for 5-6 weeks max where i am still cold and the squirrels are sweating above the wet moldy insulation.

I am going to go walk with Ginger in the woods and thank my higher power fro my sobriety and that I was able to get meaningful gifts for all of the kids in my heart and some glad ware for my bf.  I am in a relationship with a man who externally appears very masculine and sexy. he is a mason. He is responsible with his ( HIS ) money and sober for 15 yrs..

On paper I am a faghag. Tupperware and vacuuming and  BITCHING!  After  5 years  of our collective BS and processing, learning, or unlearning, repeat, etc I am happy that someone loves me defects and all. Even if they still cannot comprehend what the whole critical parent thing is about....