Courage to Change

 I am unable to accomplish anything at all whatsoever. I am telling
on myself to you.
I do not like my bf. Attempts at conversation induce disgust with his tone, attitude, vocabulary and demeanor. Perhaps because I hate myself when I feel powerless which is very different from acceptance of ( to my innermost self) being powerless. When I look around I want to stay in the woods, with a camera, or my needles and some sparkly luxuriant yarn at Borders.  I do not want to watch my heart dying, my sobriety dog, my original higher power. This is just horrendous.  Not only is IT happening but I waited for 3 hours in my apt chilled to the bone. WHY? Dad was out, at LUNCH! HMMMMM She lives with him next door and i am locked out and cannot get to her.  THEN I look in my car to get my 3rd Kerosene carrier this year at 16.00 a pop, and it is NOT there. I cannot wait and warm up. BF took it OUT of MY car and did NOT put it back last night. 
Observe the ice in the driveway and picture it tomorrow, with 19 inches of BLIZZARD on top. IE I cannot drive BACK to BF's house and back here prior to storm starting. DAD, gets home and promptly denies the dog's unable to walk well, why? He had a couple drinks, OK.. this STILL is tolerable compared to .....
HOWever.... This dog is my heart and he tells me that she is not eating? I HOLLERED and said,"  DAD????? She is NOT going to suffer. YOU are responsible for determining her capacity to ingest fluids food excrete them and do it with out falling up OR DOWN the front steps. My other 10 yr old dog in all of my photos is FINE, well, alive and not dying anyway we went to the dog park after this to cheer up.

  WHY?with no ability to draw from my strength. I have done nothing tp find a job.  WHAT am I DOING?  I cannot listen to EITHER of these men deman money from me anymore it makes me ill. I am so disgusted with all of the EXTERNALS from the economy to the backlash, the 
Loser don't think in the indulgent manner that  I'm just being mean to myself. Because I truly cannot DO anything well enough to be creative  and make some money. myself bc it is the truth. My life IS GREY GARDENS crossed with in treatment, minus Gabrielle Byrne and the WRONG KENNEDY IN MIDDLE NAME. Yes I was as mental as EDIE my Dad has become as helpless as her mother and I am too f-ed up to let him rot to death there. ANd, because my BF is Mr AA and yet berates condemns and often I am quite sure I am not staying here for the long term because of it. BUT he thinks he can speak in unacceptable ways to me b/c I have become accustomed to being warm and taking hot showers.
FOr fuck's sake I am so screwed. I cannot enable Dad by allowing him to be the victim of  his age and SSI PArt B taxes etc to the pointhte home has rooted so badly the COmmunity Action program rescinded thier offer to help get him hot water on his side, support the structure plug the roof leaks and fix all of the water damage. Then I was told the MOLD woiuld be fixed and MY heat would be functional again.
But NO.
Is this Dad's fault? NOT entirely. Enter the Sister. Who spent the last of his savings starting this in law apt project and abandoned it halfway through. I, paid Dad a total of 12 K so far living here, never mind the labor and landscape maintenance for WHAT?   To lose my job and be cared for ONLY as far as when he gets his money which I am still PAYING when I  am not working and NOT gotten ONE  unemployment check YET? When I gave him a very genreous holiday and he says WHERE ARE THE SNEAKERS??? AGH!
I love this man? The ACOA attachment disorder...
Manifested in a smaller bitchier version of him in my BF's personality.
WHY? I believe that NO man will not end up being this way. I have yet to choose a single one, no, the only time I was ever in love REALLY? Was in a FALSE artificial dishonest context of LIES 
To live and have choice about what I have to listen to from a BF. It was the lesser of two...
NOW I like the beautiful home BUT I am not feeling all that happy around HIM. 
BLEED now bitch!! It is so disgusting that  I am so ungrateful. 
The ONLY thing that I am sure of is that the process of thinking feeling and thoroughly surrendering has the effect on my brain which mimics a change that creates PEACE. This within. I have found this in a myriad of ways and sometimes NONE of them work. I can accept that it rains, or go where it's warm, or know that as soon as I just bleed and eat some dark chocolate I will again feel the 'sunlight of the spirit'.
So I went to Al ANON for the first time in YEARS last night. I just listened. I have all the books and the tee shirts. The blueprint for progress was a great addition to my process but not until I read Letting Go daily for 3 years and everything else in that range. I am going back I hope to hear some more recovery in the rooms this was my reason for leaving prior and focusing on my primary program.
I am going to wait to contribute re: my  'educational variety ' deep and effective experiences elude me

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