THat's not how I ordered my pancakes

Is anyone still blogging out there? I miss being online at home. I miss NY and my friends and NYC AA. I feel like I ll never get back to visit. Moved in with SO after sister had a very challenging romp with mental illness. My dog died during one of her hospitalizations and she moved in to my small apt next to Dad. She promptly got a rescue dog that is a hyper Jack Russell ...NOT housebroken. I resigned from the treatment center because I could not afford to work there and care for them both. Living with So has been uninspiring as well. I am grateful for the nice home but his daughter is still active and she overdosed ... her 8 year old son found her. She survived and is an arrogant bitch still stripping and got custody back six months later. She is borderline and not treating it. Regulation emotions to her is peeling out of driveway, and I do pray and care for her. I do. Just BURNT<.I have been a little run a round by the people in my life and decided it is time for me to go to school. This will be a part time community college experiment. In ME saying NO. No I can't get meds do dump get mail drive for 5 hours and or then watch anyones kids on my day off ANYMORE> I Am so excited! and NO I am not majoring in addiction studies. The state I reside in is in a crisis due to opiate addiction and there may be work that is paid better in the field sooner than later but I am going to hope for pre-nursing. I miss expressing my frustrations here! It was an anonymous place to say how I really feel. My truth.... I saved money working in a greasy spoon. I literally support my sister and Dad.. Getting OLD . I drive and pay for food and bills car repairs for her and house things. Since I left there it has disentegrated, and I am powerless and heartbroken over it, My sister refuse to sign up for section 8 housing. I am so glad she is there and safe and my best friend. She makes me laugh almost daily. I am thankful my Dad did not develop Werneke... he can not play the piano anymore. He can not pay the bills and the taxes. I can not live there because the roof is caving in and sister is in my space. I spend my days off driving them to appointments and doing the dump recycling cleaning groceries and barely have time for my self. SO next month I am unavailable and at school on one of the two days off. I am so much better off than I was prior when I wrote on here. Though I saved some money for once and worked on some bills I got when she became ill I am also helping with clothes for her grandbaby, and paying my bf rent. I have kept my same meeting schedule and have gotten back tot he gym all while being a very compliant caretaker.I have finally reached the point where I am ready to think of mySELF. And that means a light two courses at a time. Just here admitting I do not like change anymore and that I will have 20 years of sobriety ODAAT in June. ANd i am ready for a whole lot more out of life. OH and happiness and joy and love. ANd I do not appreciate misery in recovery. I have remained myself and my customers say things like WOW why are you always so happy??? Because of RECOVERY. Period. Whether I stay in my relationship will be decided odaat too. Other people express interest and I still dont leave. I would not be able to live with myself hurting his grandchildrens feelings. I lvoe them too. I just cant raise then and care for my family all on one day off. I need time with th epeople I love and relationships in my own life. And those kids mean the world to me and have grown in ways that would shock you after their mom passed.. thank you heroin and methadone. She was 40. Can't live with the fox news an negativity and hate mongering much more with naye love and obnoxious child care expectations. The pretend care or conversation only when seeking sex. On rare weekend grandson is not there he gambles then sleeps on couch. NO romance at ALL. The absolute fact I am 100% on my own with my life but he always has $ fro cards Then asks me for papertowels and laundry detergent and fabric softener. Mind you I was three work shirts and two pants a week. ANd grandson wets bed NIGHTLY> SO no go buy your own soap..IS this what marriage is like??? Has not one bit of interest in dining out or a movie with me. Cooked a turkey for HIMSELF . Refused to even eat with my Dad and me for ten minutes. Did not stay for me speaking at alcathon.....And I am there because I am scared of change. I am comfortable. I cant afford more than 500 I pay him bc of sissy and daddy dearests, No bond but house sharing. It is the most unloved I have ever felt in my life. And I can't love any one else. I can FRIEND though. Just STUCK.and it Sucks. Maybe I will get another bar of soap for Christmas this year from him.......... I am very concerned about student loans. Scare and excited to be back in a learning environment. So little miss I want one of mt pancakes LIGHT and the other with 7 choclate chips in it mae me run to and fro while her DAD demanded more coffee and my junkie co worker leaves the scene on Saturday. this is because cowardly boss man still refuses to fire here after promising all of her shifts to someone actually deserving of them who pre-arranged child care for them. I can not believe mt life has come down to how do want your eggs cooked. I can't believe I wait on obese people who are so morbidly fat they require walkers to ambulate. The farmers with 600 acres of land that leave a dollar every day eat there twice daily..O have some special regulars that without I could not tolerate this joint another day. Some days I look out and can not imagine where these people come from. Literally just had open heart surgery and order fried steak and loaded fries extra gravy and a pie after they inject insulin right at the table. I see so much food addiction. We wont talk about the fact that I break up with Ben and Jerry so much I need CODA. The hardest thing for me has been to try to watch my food intake there. I so miss food that is not processed fried and out of a can and jar. I was a little spoiled in my youth waitress life working at NICE places. I hate to say this but I make more than I ever did a t an Italian or french restaurant, but I am running a LOT. YES its TRUE program people ARE cheap too. It was in a story in the BB last week and I laughed so hard. I do have actual friends and they are the one exception. I can't wait for the aholes at my counter not to matter anymore because i have homework to do. P

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