Dad stumbled out of the pizza joint today. He forgot to write the check for his lunch, and then forgot to tip my friend, who owns the place and she graciously said not to worry about it he is just a big teddy bear, mY ASS I am mortified. Getting a 300 lb 6 ft 2 man up 3 stairs and back to his couch was terrifying. He nearly fell and I did not need a repeat of Christmas. My sister decided to sleep, she had her contraception installed this morning while Dad was at his Coumadin clinic. Yesterday her food card and Medicaid was off and I redid her paperwork. She is not as helpless as she was a year ago but I did not feel like driving 4 times back and forth. I just redid it and crossed my fingers. I have not enough money to drive to work and keep us smoking until Monday when I get my check, and am sitting using welfare inet at MCDonald's. I drove away so frustrated because Dad was growling at the remote and vocalizing while the TV's picture is scrambled. I asked if it was broken as it is about 25 years old and he hollered, "NOOOO". I , fantasize about my great escape on the ride home driving 30 mph awaiting his blood sugar to drop so we can successfully get him back inside. Long BEach NY.....I could leave my car for them and GO start over. Yet my heart is in this with the two of them I can never leave, no matter how many resumes I submit I am destined to work in a job I do not agree with any longer, and dedicate my life to ensuring they have what they need, she takes her meds and enjoys her life a bit, and he does the NYT crossword for fun. Neither of them ask for anything exceptional or indulgent. The least I can do is be there. I drive away today feeling like a jerk for not spending the rest of my day off cleaning. I let my Dad sit in a filthy old rotting 300 yr old house. I do not help anymore clean the bathroom and vacuum, I am not cleaning my old apt for my sister who is not even working. My goal is to save 50 bucks for seeds and carve out a spot for some gardening. I will celebrate 17 YEARS of sobriety and I cannot make a living, cannot drive to see ANYONE on my days off, and I cannot see where I went wrong. I work helping people ( I have had ENOUGH of junkies in free treatment thank you very much and the business of treatment is disgusting)I am NOT inspired ot finish my psych degree or become a LADC, no... and am failing to see rewards I never took an oathe of poverty in exchange for being sober. The obvious lack of college completion is a factor but again without support I cannot see working full time and going into debt ...ugh NOT feeling grateful feeling like a big fat loser.Thank god for my sister because she in all her wackiness makes me laugh every day. THis is the longest in over a year she has not had any psychosis HAPPY DAYS thank you abilify.... I know I need ot exercise, stop smoking and get my ass in gear, I am someone that NEEDS to be active and I am not since my dog died, NO excuse period..I wish other people knew my Dad was not like that the whole rest of the week, he is sober as a judge and sits on the couch watching Discovery channel.

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