a really long time since my last drink

Out to Pasture

the Exchange

The first post is regarding a great show on NHPR and the second will be a reponse Sobreity is Exhausting

Hi Rebecca,

I think you should post your comment about Global Voices to our website.
Here's a link to today's show: http://www.nhpr.org/node/25094

Thanks so much for listening and writing in!

Best regards,
Dan Ankeles

******************************

*****
Dan Ankeles
PRODUCER - THE EXCHANGE
NEW HAMPSHIRE PUBLIC RADIO
2 Pillsbury Street, 6th Floor, Concord NH 03301
T: 603-223-2488 F: 603-224-6052

But I'm NOT an ARTIST

www.flickr.com/photos/becca6296/
My flickr
pre-occupation is becoming a problem,,,, ( question 3 does it interfere with you work/0 YES
my interner at work is way faster, so my dial up in the woods that is wireless cannot loan pg 1 of my flickr page in less than an hour. My facebook correspndence with a friend who teaches photography at UVM ( Vermont) and is very kind.

May 18 at 11:47pm

Hey Becca-

I wasn't ignoring you when you asked about giving you feedback about your photographs. We've been jammed with visitors and houseguest recently, just coming up for air.
So, I think you have a good eye aesthetically, there is definite beauty in your work. One thing I teach is that concept is more important than ever. The advent of digi cameras means exposure control and automation makes the device create perfect exposures without any input needed...the end result is that any monkey can release a shutter and make a well exposed photograph. Allow that monkey to photograph for a few hours, and we're almost guaranteed that a few of those images will be collectively regarded as aesthetically pleasing. So, what separates the artists from the shutter clickers is concept.....the importance of ideas, metaphorical concept, and overall originality could not be more relevant today.....this is where you need to direct your energy in photography, in my opinion. Maybe you need to ask yourself : 'Do I want to make art ? Or just beautiful photographs ?' I make both these days. I do make craft photographs that have no artistic relevance but are beautiful, and friends/family eat it up, but it seems hollow and unfulfilling at the end of the day. Hope this is helpful.....

ZZ ( changed)

Hey zzzz,
Sorry so long I've been in a semi-coma with a sinus infection.

I have never been artistic. I am a superficial airhead Gemini. Each and every one of these kids in my life MAKE BETTER DOODLES than anything can do with a camera. I am NOT an artist, and ABHOR CRAFTS. If there is anything nearing the craft category that I can do and tolerate is knitting with SNOBBY fibers or weaving, pottery, which is not an option today where I live... Patterns and crocheting and stencils and glue guns all make me hemorage. Or what's even worse, crafty trend of late, the SCRAPBOOKING!
Entry level SLR's and photoshops are what dj's were to music. Art will never be a word heard responding to observations from my perspective ( add camera, rural locale, environment and subject matter ) Inspired NOT by memory picture books or in hopes someone will look back in 30 years and ooh an ah over crap they just skimmed over humoring someone. Nor the other end of the 'spectrum' look how dark her insides were obviosuly if she took these shots...
If I can impart what I see, feel or felt in a moment, and this EXPRESSION BE OF authentic nature and provide SUSTENANCE to someone I care for then I am satisfied.
If I learn and ever obtain an slr then we can talk what IS art? Because this is where I will have to start HA HA!

http://psychoticlettersfrommen.blogspot.com

good read and topic
http://psychoticlettersfrommen.blogspot.com/2009/05/customer-disservice.html
my response



My sister sells....
CARS
Yes she is the only female there. Last week she returned from a bathroom break to find her phone had been moved slightly from it's usual spot.
This flip phone now had a new background image.

BALLS dick pubes you get the picture...

Usuing my HR background I suggested that she just tuck it away pretend it was not noticed and make a beeline ofr the best sexual harassment lawyer in the EAST.

That would be incongruent with her instant gratification whats in it for me 'coping' methods. OH no we have to go have a cigarette with the moron
She looked and said, " Do you like your job here?" YES he studdered.... She said How much?
He said very much. Like paying bills and feeding your kids? SO DO I
She proceeded to extort 1500 HUNDRED dollars from him and fix the tranny on her BEAMER

TRUE story
I have some good ones but it is too late tonight... great blog post and topic however!

the bookshelf is scitzophrenic

My bookshelf since I am new to blogging and cannot find the gadget widget thing

I spy with my little eye the Portable Atheist ,then we have How to Find God, and somewhere in between is the Art of Happiness, Pema Chodron writings, Paramahasa Yogananda, Clear Mind Open Heart, Native Legends, the Invisible Man, Nickel and Dimed, Teach Only LOVE 12 step guru guy I got at treasure house at the town dump
the next shelf is the LIGHTEN the frck UP shelf......including all of Marian Keyes Sushi for Beginners, Cracks in my Foundation, This is NOT Chick Lit, Me vs Me, the Reader, , the 12 step BUSH Recovery Guide

Then the shelf of books written and or edited by, long suffering dead alcoholic grandparents, great aunts and the WORST by far is my suicide shelf

this consists ofmy FRIENDS' books shelf , actual published authors, I look at and wonder why why why did I not receive the TALENT GENE?

Livin the dream

so June 2nd ( well it is all a blur anyway) is my anniversaire of one day at a time....Dont get me wrong I am grateful and all about my spiritual growth, and helping others, carrying the message, not my message, just when I almost had 'forgotten where I came from' I came down with the most miserable sinus infection... the ghost of addiction past...in the form of nasal POLYPS.

AwesOME.

OM.

I actually spent last night with my FAVORITE KIDS see my flickr page for the wholesome me, and name dropped to a 12 year old.
YUP
PATHETIC.

Who else do you know Becca?

I being an HONEST sober woman with dignity, corrected and said USED to KNOW, as in not on my face SPY book, or tweet page blog text IM or blackberry....

But Lets say this my friends have published more bboks than I have read in the last few years, and I well stay up late at night, trying to re-engage a mind that not only is diagnostically Sick AND worng BUT UNFOCUSED, SO i JUST SURF OTHER BLOGS AND OTHER ACTUAL PHOTOGRPAHERS PAGES IN FLICKR and forget that my ego once served a purpose.
Ego deflation is one of the results of properly working the 12 steps as is humility. It says nothing baout forgetting the people you knew, or best friend dated, or best friend's father was ____- etc....And just as I had nearly forgotten about these folks in the ghost of I wiss I had a trust fund past, I got to tell the kds ALL OVER AGAIN.
Least important to them was the 90210 actor who I kissed in high school and , seeing its John Cheevers borthday today he is gay now. I acted in Howard Stern biographical as an extra oh yeah hired for LAw n Order but binged through it.Just like my education

Next in ranking was my roommates Dad was Larry Brown a famous NCAA Basketball coach, in between years some meorable convicts and sociapaths, UMA , and then Bill, who after I got sober could not stand the sight of me, seems my presence interfered with his writing, I questioned his AA bashing in the New York Post I was obviously a Calvanistic follower. Talentless bipolar wack job well I did wish I could drink still but truly wished him success at the time my best friend and her friends and their friends supported his couch surfing ass bc he had potential. YUP potential.
You're smirking inside right? YOU KNOW this guy.... I had this guy for a boyfriend in numerous forms.
But you're wrong
He got a fucking ACADEMY AWARD yeah for some no name movie... the Departed. UGH I cannot even write a POSTCARD, or get a half assed one to the mailbox.

It's BEST I live in NH tend my gardens and post a little blog about my dog and my garden, my boyfriend ( see older posts and the use of the C word) and the authentic joy I have in my heart today. I am not being sarcastic this is truly a miraclew. I literally left NY to be a real, PRESENT aunt, to learn to love authentically, and well guess I am still 'GROWING'
SERIOUSLY!


see older posts re: the sick prick GOD is. Always the irony with that one....
My niece and nephew are now living in NY.....
the man I loved proposed I accepted to discover he was married to someone else and now I am OLD

Got sober, found my mother homeless in nYC loved her, relapsed, and she died promptly after I got my shit together
Appreciated my music and my instrument was less insecure about it sober, to misplace it. Then one spring I am planting lettuce and find it in the rototill clippings, yup German Shepherd HOG WOG buried it there. Guess she HATED the sound..


My boyfriend got me a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas, It was a TOTAL SURPRISE I mean , ON DEMAND nervous breakdown youre never getting sex again tantrum way, he is the best man I have ever known and I wanted this because Iam going to be 40 in 2 years,and if you think I am EVEN going to your friends for dinner etc so BITCH BOY gets the ring on me and reveals his sudden (to me) conservative views during presidential election. Back to threatening to withhold sex, Hannity is NOT allowed in the bedroom.


I do love him he is here now watching LIFETIME I shit you not. A LMN movie.
The MASON MAN.

Yes it is best for ALL that I live in NH and go to meetings and fucking KNIT.

Half Moon

Sober Festival Sugar Shack Campground NH
The sequence of baby pictures was taken while Cassie was telling Haleigh gently NO, and removing her finger from her nostril
I did not realize how hysterical this was until I viewed the pics and saw the progressive frustration this baby expressed the pic on the top of the page was prior to and cassie yelled WOW here baby nails are sharp!

before and after try again

after about 7 years

Before and after garden(s)

I have lived her longer than anywhere else, consecutively for 7 years now. I had forgotten just how far I had come until this sinus infection form HELL came along and has kept me home from work today. I am freezing so stayed in and finally tacked the old dusty basket of old photos I have been ignoring for years. This was done with cuttings from various friends gardens and at times a few purchases from perennial sales but other than that all by hand and by SEED. The only way I can afford this....
This is the most labor intensive garden I dare say you will ever see.
My wheel barrow has a flat. There are numerous tress that produce a literal TON of waste annually that I dispose of by rake scooping. Mind you the ice storm remnants are lingering as well. I drag these posts and branches way out back to a ridiculous looking burn pile.
This year I purchased seeds for 25 cents. We shall see how they grow and taste.
The garden hose has not worked since 2000....I fill (with an ancient slow pump) pickle buckets of water and drag them all over the place. It is a pretty large space to be carting water around. When the pump breaks and it ALWAYS does go to the creek and fill up.
My mower and weedwacker broke, twice until I charged a new one from Sears which also broke yesterday.
Someday my prince may come... preferably riding in on a new top of the line John Deere with a top of the line brush hog.

planting SEEDS

This year I am going to do it RIGHT not let myself succumb to impatience and skip hand weeding the lumps of clover and way too long whatever root tilled up all over the place...

I WILL draw a PLAN and I will know where things are when i am weeding instead of guessing it is not a weed only to wonder where the hell the snow peas are in six weeks....
Ginger waits in the tall grass on a Flea and Tick Search and Rescue mission, waiting for the weeds I toss back there, leaps up and grabs them like snowballs. I tried to catch it but got dirt in my phone and camera.. got one shot post clover weed chomp.

Saturday night CHAT on IM with my very understanding friend:


Becca: dana took his ring back and called me a numb CUNT in the parking lot of a mtg
I left
Becca: he is an insecere little jerk

Becca: i cannot beleive I am so stupid

retired36: wow wanna come over to comiserate
Becca: maybe I feel bad bc I left ginger alone in the car watching HIS gkids and Rain this afternoon

Becca: I almost drove over

Becca: I locked my doors too
Becca: he is one to come back and try to apologize

Becca: ugh
retired36: come over
Becca: I am researching lol

Becca: At home, we excuse our tolerance because it's none of our business, if we aren't the one being abused, and if we are the target of the abuse, we deny our own power to free ourselves. We have the "someday my prince will come" complex, that looks to another to rescue us or rescue others, but we do not look to ourselves. And herein lies the rub.

The only way for a victim of verbal abuse to be freed is to free herself. Both the victimizing "other" and the victimizing "self" must be confronted. Both must be stopped. If all else fails, separating from the abusive other will stop that abuse. Since we cannot separate from ourselves, we are left to convert the hostile energy directed at and against us, to strong energy working for us. This is a complex process that takes commitment, courage and
Becca: victims become believers and imitators of the hostility to such an extent that self-doubt and self-blame, even self-hatred, become second nature. To free themselves, victims must draw upon all three elements: commitment, courage and "know how", with a depth of conviction and determination known only to the violated. Without it, there will be continued whining, complaining, crying, describing, repeating, but never moving and liberation.
Becca: see I do not wnat ot be whining I want to liberate myslef
Becca: and why do I repeat tis
retired36: come over
retired36: lol
retired36: vent
retired36: i am listening
retired36: reading
Becca: Do not join a group where describing your plight and staying in it brings sympathy without movement. Liberation psychology is designed to teach us the principles of the inner world and how to live with integrity in this world. Reading, studying and discussing what I have written would be a most helpful tool. It is hard work to free ourselves from the emotional attachment to psychological abuse, but it is the greatest gift you could ever give yourself. May you have the necessary commitment and courage needed to do the work required to psychologically liberate yourself

Becca: http://www.mtoomey.com/womenasvictims.html
retired36: lol
retired36: keep going
retired36: i am with ya
Becca: k

Becca: this is part of it

Abuse that begins in childhood takes the highest toll. Children are just forming their view of the world, their sense of who they are in relation to the world, and where the power lies. Abused girls tend to learn that they are unworthy and have little or no power and that the bullies are superior and have all the power. Some abused girls react rebelliously and counterattack, becoming abusers themselves, but they are the minority. Either way, childhood abuse takes a toll that has a lifetime effect.

The most devastating toll is the self-abuse that evolves out of being abused. Children think they deserve the abuse, and they turn on themselves. Instead of learning how to live intimately and at one with themselves, in keeping with the integrity they were born with, the
Becca: me nw
I have been really hurting myslef lately a lot I noticed it increases w/stress of my own doing yes but also his anger
Becca: her:
So. this unworthy, bad, still not small enough girl, can make no sense out of abuse. If she can't figure it out, she must be stupid. They are right. She's also stupid, very, very stupid. What hope is there for her? She's unworthy, bad, and now stupid. That unbearable combination of traits becomes her self-image. That is emotional toll.
Becca: this is where Dana adn I are at :

guillotine of a psychological beheading. She begins to hate herself. She's failed at everything she's tried. The abuse continues. She has blamed herself for every failure. There's nothing left but to despise who she is. If she were more worthy, good, smart, and successful, all would be well. But she is unworthy, bad, stupid, and a failure. She deserves to be abused and she most certainly deserves to be hated and despised.
retired36: ok now getting out of it all
retired36: digging out
retired36: that is what i am doing
retired36: new job
retired36: new life
Becca: The destructive effects of abuse have done their job well. She no longer needs another to violate her. She now knows the routine and she's caught in the corrupting pattern of it. Her inner dialogue will now be an inner diatribe. She will harangue herself. She will verbally and sometimes physically mutilate herself. Her success is measured by her suffering. Suffering is her lot. The emotional toll is now an emotional rack that gets stretched regularly by hersel
Becca: c'est MOI
retired36: out of the wreckage...
retired36: into the light
Becca: I have reinventeed my slef so many times
retired36: no longer reinvent
retired36: go back
Becca: and then I end up in less than satisfying relationships
retired36: to basics
retired36: they are getting better
Becca: yes good idea
retired36: not abused
retired36: not married
retired36: sober
Becca: I know I am GOOD
retired36: next
retired36: you are growing
Becca: he cannot take that away from me
retired36: you are awesome
Becca: I wont allow him to
Becca: i feel weak for feeling PAIN
Becca: thanks
Becca: according to him I am dysfunctional crazy and fucked
retired36: hey he is not you
retired36: cannot damage you
retired36: takes one to know one?
retired36: lol
Becca: but his words hurt he played that talking heads song oin my voice mail on the way to the mtg
'we're on a raod to nowhere'
Becca: that set me OFF
Becca: seriously
Becca: this was all over an argumetn over CARS
retired36: i agree that would set me off
Becca: getting to adn fro
Becca: I aske dhim a nhr prior to be at my house
Becca: he was late not typical, and had a fit bc I dorve mySLEF adn did not go w Jill adn rain
control fear insecurity
retired36: next
Becca: I explained she lives NORTH therefore she can drive herself and her dragged around enough for the last week kid home directly afterwards DUH
Becca: next is nothing but further character defects
Becca: I cannot beleive he thinks after all of this time he can get away with that crap
retired36: i agree
Becca: I may have made it worse
Becca: I said pls do NOT talk to me ( VALID I think as he demanded his ring ) he starts insultiung me and my DAD in front of BOB RIan MItchell jills x husband and everyone esle so I said stop it DAna , he did not so I left he said GOOD and really looked liek a DICVK I think I hope
Becca: I once told him if he ever used that phrase we were done
Becca: I just cannot toelrate that numb c___
maybe one alone but not toegther
Becca: JIll got a 90 on a apaper IW ROTE in a really rough format Iam so not stupid
Becca: scattered adn add ytes
retired36: you are soooooo smart
retired36: you know that
Becca: maybe he does nto like me being involved and interested in her schooling
Becca: no I dont
Becca: i failed chmeistry remember a few yrs ago when I was wiping asses at the nursing home
Becca: this is another awesome one
http://www.pinn.net/~sunshine/book-sum/v_abuse.html
Becca: HE should BOOST me he does not
like EVER
Becca: and this will not change
retired36: i agree
retired36: but he has a good heart
retired36: just might not be right for you
Becca: big deal if the person your heart is supposedly dedicated too is shit on by the ehart what good is it?
. Undermining

"By undermining his partner, the verbal abuser is saying, When I erode your confidence and lessen your determination, you are easier to control."

10. Threatening

"With this very obvious means of control, the verbal abuser is saying, I have Power Over you. I am in control. Do as I say. If you don't, I'll . . ., or if you don't, you might get hurt - implying physical harm by a fit of rage or by an unspoken threat like punching the wall."

11. Name calling

"By calling names, the abuser is saying, You do not exist. You are annihilated, you are now BLANK. Now that you are wiped out, I'm in control, just like in a war."
retired36: you need to blog this
Becca: great then never get a job lol
Becca: ok maybe that is an interesting ide like blog the chat?

retired36: lol
retired36: you can make it a job
retired36: lol
retired36: breathe
retired36: in and out
retired36: he is a breat
retired36: brat
retired36: insensative sure
retired36: so move on
Becca: yes he had a fit last summer at nescypaa too
retired36: make the list of good and bad
Becca: First I was embarassed then ashamed then embarassed again for my ego, then perplexed that a) he behaved this way and b) that I give him repeated breaks due to his PAIn and arthritis adn now interfueron
Becca: a T list pro and con ben franklin has ass?

Christmas with the Gourley's

Christmas with the Gourley's
Jeri and Ray Senior, Ray Jr, Noel, Dale, Dana and Dede, their spouses Tracy and Phile, and Phile and Dede's children Zachary and Alycia
Jeri is an RN and they have traveled all over the world. every year they bring s work of art home and jewelry for all of their kids and the above. Even I have an African bead necklace, finger symbols and a fan from Spain, today IO had to take a photo of a sculpture that was handcrafted in Juneau Alaska.

monkeys at typewriters? bbc

I was surprised to learn that my employer purchased a thrift savings and loan bank to meet the qualification for TARP. Before I wrote this I confirmed that it was public knowledge ( or effective journalism) prior to our email...
Not as surpised that an article in the Sunday NYT displayed the .08 degree of seperation of Paulson and his former coworkers at Goldman Sach's , heading up the team. I asked Our fine Congressman Paul Hodes this question about accountablity and selection when he came to our worksite. Is there not soem ethical liberty taken when you select your friends?WHAT? NO PHD ECONOMIC PROFESSORS FROM the top universities of other countries and COLUMBIA, WHARTON, PENN, YALE, DARTMOUTH, OR HARVARD ON THE LIST? I don't understand how scholars of pre-depression and post depression economies would not be vital components.
On the way home listening to npr, BBC, a critic of bloggers made me question my vanity and need to express myslef, not indulge in digital narcissim. Did anyone else hear that interview? The woman from global voices was much more tolerant and appreciative of the internet. It is not fait to compare kids online looking at videos to adults who do still read actual newspapers, and whom pay for them too.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/becca6296/2949572370/