Friday

love.... and loss There but for the grace of GOD go I

Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other.

--Rainer Maria Rilke

well the title above should link to my friend Sarah's work. I learned of her death this week.

if you could only SEE my latest 4rth step on some resentments I HAD to let go of
yes, it's the BEST of Bitch Boy

and well naturally the turn around is enlightening.

I do NO wrong.
I cannot find words to express the pain and shock I feel having learned that someone I loved is gone. She was not an addict, not a drunk, but we spoke intimately about her struggles with manic depression, or today's' bipolar disorder' and I feel guilty, yet again, survivor guilt rears it's nowhere near dormant state.
As a girl at boarding school our boyfriends were best friends. We once boated out to the inlet at Nauset Beach and grilled mussels out of the water. I remember being so happy that she had garlic salt that day.
Sarah, the woman was stunningly beautiful. She was a gifted photographer. A thoughtful friend. I always gave her credit as one of a few friends that actually sent letters and cards that were hand written via the US Mail. I had nearly twenty years of correspondence from her. IN fact before I discovered the announcement, I was organizing my old boxes of holiday cards and letters and I actually thought to myself 'she'll send another soon, I need to stop hoarding dusty old mail and stop all the sentiment. I tossed a photo of her Bernese Mountain dog in her Crested Butte Colorado scenic photos knowing she must have posted it online.
The following day I read in NMH news that she died.
I cannot find words now but I am so thankful my friend Heather a talented skiier and telem arker sent me the details.

I will write more about her wedding in Nantucket. Her parents threw a 3 day bash with all you can eat raw bar on one end of the island, rented out a home for all of the girls, and I got to do her wedding makeup. My old beau came along with me who is also now successful starting his own snowboard company called Rome, and I will remember that time always as one of the best times I ever had and even being fairly new in recovery.... She always asked how I was doing with 'that'

I MISS her. I thought that she was mad at me because I translated some 12 step advice for her when she told me she was mad at her parents, the emails were returned, but not a card I sent... I thought that she would just email me when she was feeling better.

She told everyone she was going out of town and dropped her dog off with her x husband, and whe she did not appear to pick him up, I guess they figured it out.

My grandmother also committed suicide by pills....
fucking bipolars, drunks, depressives, paranoid scitzophrenics,junkies, aids, hep c , wernike karskoff, what a petri dish of mental illness I come from. There but for the grace of GOD go I.

God is within you, never lose HOPE.

I MISS you Sarah

tomorrow I will scan in that photo that you mailed me of us at your wedding

me?

if you could only SEE my latest 4rth step on some resentments I HAD to let go of
yes, it's the BEST of Bitch Boy

and well naturally the turn around is enlightening.

I do NO wrong.

2 comments:

  1. So sorry to hear about your friend. I checked out her photography site. Amazing photographer.

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  2. YOU DID??? WOW well that just put THE biggest smile on my face.
    thank you Dingo

    ReplyDelete