Did you forget that I am NOT WEAK?

Out to Pasture
fter a shit storm last night of Dana and Dad abusing me verbally and terrorizing me I have really had ENOUGH. I have no ability to deman respect unless the both of them are getting my paycheck. I want to leave here and free myszelf. Why did I EVER come back here. I wish I stayed in NY and noone could control and manipulate me. But Nooo thought I would have a dog and garden and some PEACE. Kep this rotted old house for DAD by paying the taxes ( is what it comes out to)and get to live alone, and help him out. Not going ot be a MARTYR here but I DO and have done A LOT for him. NOPE sorry you are subjected to taunting ridiculing berating put downs and yelling slamming doors and you are tortured and terroized MORE when you make a stand, fight back and or then lock OUT hang UP avoid etc... They want you WEAK unless your strength directly benefits them
.I was pushed last night so muych that after 5 years of it I fought back I pounded him in the arm said I was calling the police I have had ENOUGH and he took my phone, continued threatening he would SMASH my computer too, etc while I was irate crying up all night by the way ALL broken out he was taking PICTURED og my freak out saying how ( THE usual) MENTALLY FUCKING ILL I am etc...I grabbed and threw it on the floor and he lunged at mean I side kicked him right in the leg and puch him as hard as I could and said get OUT of my room NOW. I aksed you for an hour and let me finish what I am DOING. I asked you to stop and you not only continued as usual but went and GOT MY DAD over to beat me verbally together in this 2 room apt.....
OVER 150.00 being days 3 days late for my DAD.
So he can go the the bar overeat and have his booze. DAna helped me pay ONE bill and I owe him roughly 70.00
I am SICK of being picked on buullied and used by the people that are supposed to love me.
I now understand why dad's mother killed herself, sometimes you have nowhere to go.

1 comment:

  1. Boo...I haven't read your thoughts in too long, I am ashamed to admit. You are such a paradox-I have lived my whole life admiring you and trying to be you, and then every so often I get a glimpse at your vulnerable side and I don't get it. Don't you see the girl I see, have always seen??? In my darkest hours, you were the one who picked me up and pulled me was always YOUR footprints in the sand, my love. Your dad has always abused you, the choice is yours as to whether or not you finally set a boundary and say- enough! It's hard-I literally shake and fall to pieces when I defend my boundaries, but it is worth it. You don't owe anyone anything-haven't you realized that you are your only advocate in this world/life?? Once you see this, and stop feeling obligated to serve your abusers, and love yourself enough to meet your own needs, you will be FREE to live. Live, Boo-it's beautiful. I love you.