mo fo's all of em

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I am a sober chic of Brooklyn origin, now on the wrong side of 35. Officially out to pasture sans high speed inet I practice avoidance online when not at work. This is constant from Oct to May, this year sans vehicle I took up a debaucheries ( HOLD ‘EM). I still have a lot to say but blame my numerous diagnosis for my utter inability to express my thoughts, feelings, OR OPINION BASED ON MY VERY  superficial infacts coherently on subjects I need ot voice an opinion on.



Please forgive the typos, do not give up, you may extract something that will results in a laugh. I write in manic spurts that co-occur only when I am a)not in the cubicle and b)not disassociating due to the presence of Trigger #1 and Trigger Bullying FOOL #2.


Vents are in the blog 90% digital puke  rooted in anger with mySELF.



SPONSORSHIP:

LADIES? In the future ( that is IF and when I am physically at a meeting not sustaining on my memory and DVR'd episodes with Dr DREW)


Thank you for leaving my life when I could not stop ‘loving, helping and patiently  hangin on to the 'Bring the body and the mind will follow' soother. I  am only harming you. It is enabling you,  hanging on to that HORSESHIT while you continue to drink and pretend you are NOT.
 


AM I capable today? Mentally physically and spiritually if unable to PLEASE you or complete your request or tolerate your abuse or put up with demands today will I say NO?
Don’t ask me to sponsor you and DIE from your UNWILLINGNESS when I really will love you. Get a sponsor who’s need for you is as as long as the life expectancy of their EGO. or their no boyfriend status or their how many pigeons follow you contests)


I'm all TOUGH NOW being  Omost 14 n shit


NO BULLSHIT. Unless we are related thne I have zero SENSE.
WHY? Because I refuse to develop the passive aggressive behaviors I recognize in the resentful people  everywhere by their expressions and affect.
My sis gets arrested right? In a pharmacy with a fake oxy script this after a year from HELL with her disease, divorce and the consequences portrayed beautifully in the 13 yr old girl that is my heart. Raped and drunk and lost last spring and my sister resembling our schizophrenic mother in a most uncanny way because she had to ‘GO OUT’ and she ‘Deserved ‘to after all she did stay home for 10 years that was hard work! She had to go screw twenty 4 guys 80% of them 19 and older in 3 months…YEAH I had a great year meanwhile lost LOTS of OT income and surrendered my pride and joy Subaru.


WORK
Oh..and  you miss coworker? I really really don't CARE if you LIKE ME!


GRATITUDE

Sober unmerged  alive and dignified (when alone), loving animals and e the earth thawing  slowly but surely to PLANT IN.
Grateful truly to be employed I am soooooo fortunate


LACK OF ( gratitude)
Been sick and dying of a broken heart, I cannot see Carey kids EVER. Devastated broken hearted JUST sick OVER THIS.
or any kids for that matter without car as I cannot count on my sister to bring hte kids to me after BEGGING and trying to PLAN ahead god forbid anyone sends an email re: when they will be here and not in NY.
LOVE?  love love love
 NOT grateful for LOSING Not grateful NOT  true NOT Better ot have loved and lost
baloney
DISLIKE  My approaching  OLD OLD OLD age stress level destroying my appearance and lingering ocd and self harm
soon too late for kids
( OK really just noting for effect)
"RELATIONS"
Overhaul required maintenance OVERDUE orange light ON

Not terms of brainwashed regression ie: "Maybe this character defect will finally be removed by GOD?' XXOO!@# wtf when “REALLY” do the work? NO terms are ONLY per your higher power and your capacity for an open mind this means THINKING and honestly assessing everything yourSELF.



I was a human ambien for  paid overworked bored therapists and a human VoHZAC for men. This is a cocktail of Viagra , sprinkle of a human growth hormone ( to fully indulge your mid life crisis while proving that your dick works and an ssri for  prove you are certainly not of sound mind to make a decsion re: paying the piper and leaping without a net. Fuck you too!

categorized under PAIN LOSS lonliness and embitterment, lack of spirt or sparkle, reminder that happiness is NOT a guarantee but a choice I make for ME.

I cant choose what I do not feel.

I know this much I was HAPPY with my subaru and freedom, going to their games home cleaning cooking all of it! Loving them is EASY and it is FUN.
 My SO who loves and I use this term loosely me did his best to interfer postpone interrupt impose restrict control punish haunt and berat eme for having it to give to anyone other than HIM.
GO figure.








Today it’s life on life's terms?
TERMS??  DISLIKE

not the terms of old; active addiction, or terrified and shattered unconfident girl with BPI ptsd add ocd diagnosis‘, OR .. terms I with my rescuing habit courtesy of deficient self esteem , or terms of oh oh look a black and blued body, and I am sober 5 years?? I am ( WAS) hot single no kids too and I picked YOU?? ( rinse repeat rinse repeat)



MO FO's all of 'EM