Camp Trudge

am living at a Campground for the week. It saved Dana money in travel for his work. They have Wi-Fi but it took me two days to find an outlet near the signal. Dana is working up here so I get to focus on my job search at last. I intended on working on it all day yesterday. His worker was pc'd and late and came to the site to tell me the bs and ask me to babysit for him so he could work..... I could NOT say NO although the sole reason for me sleeping in a tent was to utilize the wifi and take a break from caretaking and escape all of the BS, I agreed. I then waited for 5 hours and they never returned. Dana finished the day's chimney work in 96 degree weather and also was told 'I'll be back". Today we did not expect to hear or see this guy back this week or ever. WE know this is about the hangover and being in jail till 5 am not about the kid. If it was he would have not left him with his mum to go on a bender and brawl spree. I lost a day and I was not happy as I did not venture away from the TENT either not wanting to miss the drop off. I adjusted myself without serenity yesterday and planned to dedicate TODAY to my responsibilities without interruption. Forget about enjoying it up her. Just as I was getting the worker arrives. This is about 30 minutes after Dana left for their job site. This, also with announcements of co- camping and would I mind taking the boy today..... I clearly stated that I had critical work to do today but that I would and that only because Dana is working half a day as we were supposed to half 2 hours in this week where we were alone, prior to his gkids coming too. I am tired of day-caring. I am tired of not seeing my OWN nephew and niece and them not being included in Dana's 'family' SICK SICK SICK as it IS and has been, all this starting off at 6:30 am..And me crying, REAL emotional PAIN missing MY family in a mildewed smelly tent. ( Now have P E R I O D to boot. - ICK) feeling unvalued and my individual separate needs not being remotely considered and this being dressed up as a work week not a family for Dana week. . I am not a side show kind a girl nor a nanny anymore. I have had it with his daughter's disease and her f-ing up his worker's head ( less the third time)and me agreeing to this week in a TENT b/c I have no cell phone or inet. Instead I am presented as day care? WHERE is MY nephew in all this?? How easily could HE be here too? I will tell you. He is being cared for during summer vaca by a family friend in the same TOWN I live in yet my car was not fixed not my computer until NOW JUST in time to be here for DANA's life and to rescue HIS family. FUCKING selfish. The FOOLISH man forks over rent money for his adult daughter he stopped enabling years ago who cried no child support after having another one when she was UNstable. SLit wrists AGAIN 2 weeks ago MAY follow up in THERAPY but for sure is NOT a drunk! Her electric was off but she buys 500 $ purses.... and truly WANT her to havce VERY THING she needs to feel happy. THINGS money what have you... I cannot believe any one gets away with telling a court they are UNemployed when 2 hours prior and 2 hours after a hearing they ARE working for tghe SAME landscaper without an actual interruption. She DESERVES to have MOENY for their duaghter. What is with men who say well I bought her an aoutfit last weekend and thing that qualifies as support? I thought these were non negotiable balck and white areas. NOt grey areas where people's jealousy can still wreak havoc in the life of the x? Perhaps because he has been requesting 50 50 custody since long before she attempted to run him over, accidentally. And they also have endless trails of domestic orders between them and STILL not SUPPORT order in STONE? It also seems these domestic violence cases weigh little in support orders. I DO understand why, but it is NOTHING but FRAUD for this one. The grandparents are fotting the bills, providing the roofs, food and clothing on farmer's wages and the 'adult' parents are getting wasted and fighting all night. P U K E
My Dad was too far gone in his own disease to ever take either grnachild over night nevermind twice a week and weekends. How Ungrateful she can be, and how it breaks his heart when she says I HATE YOU to him for 6 months straight. Once the kids are born you can say anything and do anything to your parent or you take the kids away? That is my only real resentment, not seeing the grandson for a MONTH after being confronted with some real facts about herslef and her imminent need for cousneling after the last suicide attempt. Turns out this was not 'real' ( I disagree) it was escape to the psych ward after being busted cheating and lying by men. It is so sad. he has never ONCE paid a sitter in her LIFE! And I, sober, through NO choice of my own, cannot afford a phone and never ONCE did he offer to contribute one penny so I could actually call or receive communications for a JOB. The only reason my car is inspected is b/c my father and I are SHARING IT. I do my father's LAUNDRY and clean his home. I guess I enable HIM to be OLD and live in SOME peace after we tortued him with our mental illness and chaos for YEARS. There is my healing, my amends in action one day at a time, learning to live in a cooperative spirit there and to my great shock, at 12 years of recovery for me, the booze and the p o t is no longer in his house. After , ONLY ( 'real alcoholic' the health scare and 14 day stay on the cardiac unit) did this let up. I LOVe my Dad I cannot imaging throwing kitty litter, dirty in his face no matter how drunk I was. And then OOPS BOTH parents forgetting the car seat at the day care center every single time. he drives 2 hours down for that.... She chose to purchase a brand new suv in rental assisted living... I hate that I never know when we will see both kids and her family is now split up and my heart feels so fucking fragmented between my blood and lack of them presently HEE, and his... I HATE kids being shuffled around like burdensome blockages to the next drunken text war or bar fight or new man.
I hate my life I hate that I thought it more responsible NOT to have my own kids when I could not provide for them and to me child support is NOT a guarantee no matter how dead the beat is on the sperm donor. NOTHING IS MINE right now and I need MY little George and Alexandra too... My role as an aunt I took more seriously than these fuck ups do parenting. Who does not arrange child care prior to the work week EVER?I need to stop complaining and be grateful from sobriety as I am NOT subjecting blameless kids to my insanity I think that lack of money is such a SHAMEFUL like a landfill of hurt when people lose it after holding it responsible for their self esteem and hide behind it to continue using with justification. I am GOING to pursue every opportunity I can while maintaining my dignity and sobriety to get earning the money that I need MYSELF, when I WILL call my OWN shots again.. day ONE period in a CAMPGROUND and I already HATE bugs, who when DEAD appear to be after me still. My perfect attitude presenting for coffee and this boy, sitting on the picnic bench at 6 :30 a is a stranger to me but turned out to be a really a good kid, we went exploring and found a den. He said it was a bear den. I said it was a tree root. Last night Dana and I found a meeting in Campton last pm that was a breath of fresh air. I am confused why I cannot find a better man to love, why there is not a better sober man around, yet he would let me rot in a street before he ever paid a bill of mine after 7 years??? He LIKES that I cannot fix the plumbing where I live, that my disabled Dad depends on my 'slender' income to LIVE, which makes me helpless to improve my environment, or get a heating system or cook for myself for that matter. Now OFF LEASH AT LAST I am confined to a cement rec room for vacation for internet access... Because 'DANA' does not need it or value it he does not care that I am forced to chain myself to the fucking computer he broke 4 months ago and failed to FIX , promptly enough so that my job searches would b sufficient for unemployment benefits. Such a coincidence he did not offer up even 50 bucks to help me purchase the windshield replacement my car needed after I did get the computer back so I COULD get to the library... This is NOT a helpful guy this is a selfish man. Here I sit sued as a nanny NO call never mind ONCALL, IN BETWEEN GKID STINTS WE ARE GOING TO THE BLUES FEST which I am really excited about. This will be for 2 hours thoguh, of a WEEK. The ratio is WAY off. His friend is opening the festival and HAS FREE TICKET AT THE DOOR FOR HIM , NATURALLY. together and be KIDS... happy joyous and free from the digital obligations and parental stressors they all hear far too much about,. I am still grateful for all of it sick and all, and do not fret I won't DRINK ovewr not having a phone to call for a job nevermind MY SPONSOR. At least they DO have showers here that do not take quarters. The brook is shallow but crisp and clear like the Kangkamangus.
I wanted to reply to Dave but can not log in to wrd press right now

There is NO other joy I experience that is more restorative then when I am either in nature with my dog, or when I might have been useful/available ,and REALLY, truly, present for others. When I am able to be in a day that unfolds not according to my vision, but still be giving, in a loving way, with accountability for myself . I have always been tuned in to the under dog, sensitive to their plight. Words, actions, I or another person subject myself or inflict onto others that are unacceptable, hateful, or racist are spirit killers. I am struggling with feelings of anger and shame lately. I cannot OM my way OUT of frustration when I need to take action or responsibility and there are limiting factors beyond my control impeding my progress. I just fly off into near rage ugly mean yelling fits.

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