How do you like my blog NOW?
Why would I indulge you when to do so leaves me with questions that I cannot afford today? Starting with have you NO conscience and ending with why is it that you are the only person that IS available when I need a ride? Why is it that I am happy to NOT re-enact that abandonment turmoil with you and after listening to your enlightened perception of happiness and recovery that you really have NOT grown a bit?
What is the lesson this time? ( Raising my hand... pick me I know I know!)
YOU don't GET a piece of ME!
EVER, if I am helpless financially and need a ride because I cannot afford a new windshield to get to a library to look for a job to get a check to get my phone back on and to get groceries and smokes, OR if I am living off the interest of a large sum of money wiseley invested. I am NOT here to be any man's viagra, midlifecrisis prozac, and NO you CAN NOT look at that nude picture of my sister I tried to skip and jerk off to it later.
You remain the con artist of love and I have been UNWAVERING in how I present myself to you since our relationship ended ( you foudn out what it woudl COST to pay the piper in mediation and get out I mean without a GOODBYE?) And you say ' I was in pain TOO?" REALLY???? Because I see you with an intact marraige and your custom built home with your thriving business, and me in a troubled relationship with a man who does not HIDE his flaws, just now past any reasonable age to have children, unmarried, jobless, isolated in a collapsed mold encrusted apartment with broken pipes and a rotted entryway door sans inet and phone trying to REPAIR THESE issues that are a result of the amend that YOU SWORE you would make one day in a bedroom confession long ago...YES I actually remember that one. THe leak that rotted my ceiling, flooded the ceiling, doorways, insulation and broke the heating system leaving me without a shower or stove all these years later long after the affair was over... We can pick on his obvious flaws but you know what? He would have recalled that LEAK if he left it there intentionally from his four star accomodations liek yourself and DONE SOMETHING about it. HE would have said hey WIFE? THis is business that apt I built 10 years ago wqith the harlot was destroyed by an error I made when active and failed to repair when I had 4 years to do so but I was too busy screwing to get to it... I am going to be HONEST and go fix it and the predating whore will not be home. THat is what HE would DO. BUT, instead you find opportunity to provide a ride to the library and tell me that WITHOUT A HUG AND KISS YOU CANNOT HAVE A FRIENDSHIP? REALLY FATHER TIME? You thought I would a) be into it? b) USE YOU BACK?? or c) bE SO despeRATE that I would forget the wreckage, pain and chaos that i liked it enough to sneak TODAY?? 2011??? REALLY? I guess you can drive home victimized and I will call DANA the angry immature jealous insecure little man that does not make me happy most of the time ..WHY? Because he MIGHT give me a ride home after the men's meeting where YOU SHOULD BE..
You know I stay with him? You have a man workign his program, a loving DAD and Grampa that does not use those roles as justification to LIE AND CHEAT! He is NO HERO but after 8 years I know this much of him...I also know that he is not above the passive bullying tactics which you pulled today. In fact, the last evening I saw him I was subjected to similar treatment. We watched Ice Road Truckers, for two hours and he fell asleep. Then he awoke to Dr DREW and packed his truck with his lunch and masonry tools for the job an hour away and drove 30 minutes back to his house in a HUFF because he had not been gratified YET EITHER. He said, "DON"T CALL ME FOR A RIDE this week either" THankfully, I cannot afford to call him and fuck him UP!!!
That's my MAN! My boyfriend of 8 years, with 17 years of sobreity...
is there an UNADDICTED match service .com? NO 12 steppers.com? Oh then I would not be attarctive either... SO I will continue to try to work on getting my phone and car together and NOT allow any of you to make me feel 'less than' or superior in your erected arrogance behind your crisply built FORD and TOYOTA trucks and or colonials. I will WALK to my appt tomorrow if I have to.
' You KNOW I WILL! ''
BECAUSE: I have had ENOUGH conditional love and friendship for a lifetime...
RUDE Little FUCKERS!! All of ya!
Except for George. My bro in law. And my Dad. Otherwise? Sleep with one eye open. My adice for the day: Should you have a male friend that can converse with you for more than say fifteen minutes without sexualizing you KEEP HIM! And take him shoe shopping.
Also, you may believe him when he compliments you.
In recovery we say that the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing
(people, places or thing, ie behaviors)and expecting different results?
WE can , I can, remain stuck with only my decisions and soberly made choices to blame. So the other slogan "This too shall pass" I believe and trust that when I am spiritually fit, and when I am not?
I will continue on MY path.
On MY TERMS. ON MY conditions. On my UNPAID policies..
I will DO the footwork and let go of the results.
And I WILL:
(thank you therapist # 1... 1994 Northampton MA)
burn those ' old negative tapes' that tell me I am SUCH a LOSER right now, and get an ipod that chants OM when my dog can't in anymore.