Gratitude meeting

Tonight I am UNgrateful because I make my list but I am going to bed hungry. This after watching my bf chair the meeting and the topic of gratitude makes me ill. I am grateful for sooooooo many people in my life in and out of AA and yet I get to start my claim over because the 'benfit' year ended. Did I mention thye screwed this up 4 times already and my disabled father depends on this money for his insulin and heart medications to boot? I am HUNGRY ANGRY LONELY AND TIRED yet the guy sports a new PLOW on his new truck... I can accept all of this but not when I spent last night cleaning up an enormous amount of blood and more and most importantly loving and caring for his sick daughter and the kids that are my heart. After taking time away I jumped right in like the strong Becky just thrives in turmoil chaos and active alcoholism when kids are around I just leap into my old behaviors of care taking and fixing and trying so hard to protect them from seeing the truth and feeling anxiety at school all day. But it was too late the 3 year old girl snuck in behind me and the boy knew at least this time it was not self inflicted. His Mommy had a natural problem and came home alive in a cute hospital gown with too many bracelets. I hate that I love them all so much because I am so tired from dealing with my dying dog and my Dad's blood sugar and getting over my resentments I drop off in the glass recycling bin ....I know I did not cause any of it, and that I can't cure it. my sister is on an up now which creates a double decker trolley ride for me this week. I know my higher power has something in store for me that includes a job or at least friendships that are reciprocal. IN fact I mustered up all of the recovery in me yesterday to go see my friend despite the drama trauma because I needed her to help me wind the bobbin . I needed her to laugh with and to reminisce with, and to admire. She literally sings in the choir, loved a jazz musician I know, and was married to Hungarian carpenter prior) and has maintained a family and marraige full of chaos withOUT a 12 step program. She never really understood my diseases and it is nice at 40 that I no longer identify as a bipolar ptsd add ocd diagnostic mess in recovery but lacking confidence. I am so relieved to be off of an ssri and after 5 years off booze and my booster NO mood stabilizers... who woulda guessed??? And tonight on tv Diane Sawyer interviewed foster kids on psychotropic drugs... soooo sad....
Back to ME
...I am okay today and although emotionally sensitive and crabby when I am hungry I LIKE myself. My friend makes amazing technically challenging quilts and she truly loves doing it. I am NOT joining the club because I am NOT having any new hobbies until I make a mitten hat and sock that actually fit on a human head, and until I can actually draw. My friend Barbara sent me the most loving note this week too that made me feel soooooo WORTHY of happiness. Both women dated my Dad and both women are musical B taught the harpischord at Juliard and when she plays piano you are humbled. SO I guess tonight I am grateful for the mother love I really do have in my life despite not having a mother's love, finding it, and losing it to cnacer and scitzophrenia... Stuart Smalley/Rebecca H tried to save her family and lost. ANd tries today to set an example and the disease still takes our sisters, daughters, and their children's innocence RIGHT when I refound mine.

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