I miss my SISTER

After reading online at Mad In America I was inspired to thought. I also found the Treatment Advocacy Center online. I have numerous frustrations with NH Hospital where I prior thought them to be one of the best psychiatric facilities in the country. At this juncture I am communicating with a kind social worker. The root cause has not been addressed for her, she has primarily been 'observed'. Some of the problems are a result of their discharge paperwork in May. Because they have not re-visited a diagnosis of BP from 10 years ago, she was written as depression with psychosis and narcolepsy. My sister is nearly 40 years old. She was in a prescribed drug psychosis for 5 months. I picked her up in MAY ( started in Jan-Feb) with this discharge paper having a stimulant on it. She deteriorated so rapidly that I was the petitioner of an IEA last week. She was accidentally (?!) released from the yellow pod a week prior 7/13 and left outside in 96 degree weather until I drive to and from Nh Hospital to determine she was never brought there. Then back in my apt with delusions and psychosis which is legal and ok except for her they end up in a suicidal state repeatedly. I am afraid as the petitioner I have sentenced her to community commitment.I am asked to go to a Probate hearing. I am asking for temporary living accommodations. She wanted to stay with local Family Health where she had a PCP for years. They referred me to RB prior to the IEA. When I called there, I was sent back to CHFHC. In the meantime she left a suicide note. I think they are doing this so I reneg on my decision to no longer house her. He said this would take the responsibility off of me. I said it does not improve my health or decrease the anxiety I feel in seeing her slip through the cracks in Cowtown NH. Our Mom died homeless in NYC of paranoid scitzophrenia and complications, our paternal grandmother ( Editors at Random House for Sinclair Lewis) took her life and ad nauseum with the family tree. I am a recovering alcoholic and was told at NH Hospital 15 years ago I would have to take medication for the rest of my life, I am sober 16 years and medication free, and I am OK!! Not a glittery financial success , but INSIDE i am GOOOOOOD!!!! I worked my ASS of to be this way. Why can't they do more than observe her on a camera? She has met with a treatment team once for 15 minutes in 10 days ( AGAIN). Maybe because I sent a fax describing her symptoms that followed the very SAME NH Hospital discharge and that I disagreed with the meds and the diagnosis and requested they revisit the sleep study as stimulant;ants are further aggravating her mental illness.? It's let's find a way to legally keep her controlled can we not get to the root cause of the problem and allow her the dignity of choice? Lastly should her choice be to return to the numeorus Dr's that prescribed her stimulants that aggravated her documented and existing depression this will never get better. Is itt is her choice? ethically I think NOT. is this an addiction problem now or is she permanently insane? She had never before the last 6 months thought anything about the FBI, delusions of grandeur or persecution, nor been suicidal. She was always an alcoholic, yet prescribed stimulants for narcolepsy via a sleep study 8 or more years ago via Concord Psych or Hospital The Dr's should be coordinating and talking to HER, as this is not helping to mend the betrayal she feels towards me. TOUGH LOVE TIME! She used a Rx’d medication that she was taken off of, therefore she is out of my apt. Consequences= not enabling her to remain sick. OR It does not matter how I feel , it matters that she has support…. If she complies with a lithium or whatever she can stay in my apt? How long has it taken them to try another medication? 5 MONTHS and a ranting fax from me ??? WTF Adderal psychosis may have permanently depleted the dopamine generator in her brain. Their narcolepsy diagnosis and sleep study is a license for her to take stimulants. I NEVER believed it and I never will. My dog is half dead with Lyme Disease and my other relationships are unsatisfactory. I am going to revert to knitting and eating out of a can and looking for a better paying job. I am still proud of the progress she has made it is just killing me to think of her in there locked up crying feeling unloved that she cannot come ‘home’. This was the hardest thing I have EVER had to do sober, because it is coming from ME not just getting through some challenge externally. I feel like a horrible person. I feel like it took a village for me to get well and her village has been set ablaze , hit with the lightning bolt of mental illness and chronic substance abuse, loneliness, fear, bad relationships barren smoldering and she is a helpless child being court ordered to crazy avenue in a crappy small town. She lost all of her stuff, her family, jobs, apartments… all of it…so what… nothing is recoverable without her MIND. God damn it I miss my SISTER. I am all about inhaling and exhaling right now. The gross pressure to fill the beds at my work with people that do not want to be in treatment for substance abuse. Answer phones and do intakes for a Walmart wage... I am so ungrateful right now. Luckily the women here are very supportive. I can get that in my own life I cannot take that in lieu of a living wage. It is humiliating living with the constant worry of how am I going to EAT. I have no inet or cell phone no LUXURIES. A kind friend helped me eat and helped me at the VET with my dog. We ate somewhere decent where they did the Bruschetta RIGHT. I remember a time when I always ate well. It is nice when the dog is up in the am and Dad comes over to see if I have enough milk for my coffee and is working diligently on the NYTimes Crossword. The morning glories my sister helped to replant are bolting up along the field stone and barn, the fireplace and though I have no real garden this year it is enough to find peace amidst all of this chaos. I know I am not alone just feels like it sometimes. This too shall pass..... I NEVER liked slogans.

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