Friday

Student Loan Be Gone!

When I received a small tax refund I thought that there must have been a mistake. I used it to pay a portion of taxes to the town in lieu of rent from my sister for my Dad. We had a great lunch at the Soup Gallery and I learned that my computer is not worth repairing. I filled the tank up and brought sister to get contacts. A small copay for her and voila, she can see. THAT must not have helped her mental health over the last year. I have nearly 20/20 vision and cannot fathom living within a further blurred world view. A statement from the IRS indicating the difference applied to my debt and the balance owed being zero was in the mailbox. This is a relief. I In the last 8 years I had 2 decent jobs and two job losses at the 3 year point. During each I set up repayment plans based on my earnings and forbearing both ove the years it seemed insurmountable. I will not borrow any money for education again. I am determined to get a job again with benefits and real tuition reimbursement. For some reason I receive delayed email rejections from jobs I am qualified for. I have had rejections in email for two straight YEARS. Job searching has been reduced to an online series of questions that should not be asked according to exisitng labow laws until after hiring starting with a credit check and ending with a track age questionare and disability, ethnicity, and veteran status. In this economy, and having had to unexpectedly support my 40 year old sister on 8 bucks an hour take home for the last year let's just say my Verizon account for wifi and my cell phone are no longer. Adjusting to going without anything extra was not a big sacrifice so she could eat and remain out of the shelter. I am accustomed to living on the cheap. BUT the repercussions on my credit report are preventing me from getting an interview let alone hired. I will not regret this but I am becoming frustrated lately. I am run ragged driving my sister daily and then my Dad on my day off to lunch, the store, walmart pharmacy, errands, child visits, bf's grandkids babysitting, dr appointments. My day starts at 5 am and ends at 9:30 pm and I am BEAT. The pot holes and frost heaves have rattled me to extreme irritability. I would not have survivied if I had been a soccer mom. Yesterday, I finally get an interview request, plus she had even called me! This morning when we spoke everything looked great except the only disqualifyer is if a federal student loan was in default. I said, " Ever?" So I am going for the interview and we are going to wait and see if HR allows applicants with now paid student loan debt that was in default. Meanwhile I continue to do more and have more responsibility at work in a capacity I am not trained in for the same money. The prognosis for most of the clients here is NOT good. It is discouraging and I see why there is a high burn out and turnover working the the recovery field. We ask people with extensive criminal records to walk MILES to the nearest town and apply for jobs in the cold. They have no phone, laptop, inet or transportation. And if I am struggling to get a job and survive at my rate of poverty pay scale then how many challenges are they to overcome to remain sobr and out of jail? No rent=no roof. The shift to transitional living is here and I do not anticipate it fairing well in this area of impoverished milltowns. The next blog post is going ot be titled 'Funny shit my sister says' There is a wombat in the tree" "It is not illegal to be an oracle" " I am dowsing your job fate" ( with yarn and coathanger) " I can go to Pakistan for 6 months out of the year" "I am not posting too much on facebook" ( nearly kicked out of the library) " You(me) are going to be the richest woman in the world with this whistleblower lawsuit' ( I still have no lawyer no ratainer fee and no idea how to fiel one on my own and statue of limitations is near running out. I am gaining weight and have bald spot on my eyelid fucking ocd. What I need to do is quit smoking and get back on my exercise routine. If I used the tools and program I have used successfully for nearing 17 years to my nicotine addiciton I woul dbe free of it. Then I could stop bitching about money. Supplying her and me for the year is partially responsible for us not having a cell phone too. I hope I can get the mower fixed so I can work outside this spring. The gardens I started mean nothing without Ginger and Chelsea. I'm STILL grieving the loss of my dog(s). I am experiencing very littel joy in my life. I am relieved that the crisis has passed, that my sister is taking her meds, bt I have not felt like ME in such a long time. I miss my life, my room, my things, my BOOKS, my kitchen utensils, my bed and my remote. Living with my boyfriend who is a crab ass is something ELSE. Paying him to use hios words as weapons daily berating me for caring for my Dad and sis and ressenting each and every trip I make there. I love them both. She makes me laugh every day. I just cannot share my room with her or live with her in the kitchen'living room. I enjoy living in a functional home with my bf. The pipes still burst over there though. I will never escape. I love my Dad and his irritability, restlessness, and perpetual discontent has all but vanished compared ot the old days. All he asks for is teh NYTimes Crossword and to go to the grocery store. Why would my signifigant other resent this? I got the oil changed in my car ALREADY. Leave it alone. I will not look back on this time and wish I was less involved in mySLEF and my BF, or long for the opportunity to love the both of them. we are all sick and everyone deserves love. Noone isbeing enabled. Noone is drinking in thathome. That is a miracle. I am determined to continue ot be an example of sobreity, and support my sister's recovery. Dad will always be closer to Hitchens than to Wilson and he will never comprehend ' take what you want and leave the rest'. All of the bumper stickers and magnets in recovery are not fooling him. Or me. Anyway my heart CAN be in 2 places and more! I worked too hard to be punished fofr the love I try to give. And I fall short every day. So when when I am home by 6 I am chastised. Could he really be jealous of the attention I am giving to them? The conversations are just reduced to griping at me. I have not gone to the movies in 5 years nevermind a trip anywhere. I am sorry but a 12 step meeting is NOT date night. Not even close. Instead of being Ungrateful I should suggest that one night a week we do something together that doe snot involve arguing about money. March is a treacherous month.I am not inspired to knit compulsively anymore and the ground is still frozen so I cannot plant any seeds. "Be always with people who inspire you; surround yourself with people who lift you up. Do not let your resolutions and positive thinking be poisoned by bad company. Even if you cannot find good company to inspire you, you can find it in meditation. The best company you can have is the joy of meditation." Paramahasa Yogananda

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